Life after the affair
You likely aren’t quite sure how you ended up at this particular point in your life, coping with the ultimate betrayal from the man you most love in the world. Yet here you are. For many women with cheating husbands, life after the affair can be incredibly painful yet at the same time can also be a real awakening of sorts. You are, in a very real way, seeing the man you married in a new and different light, and you likely are seeing your relationship completely differently, too.
Help needed after the affair
If you are anything like me, after the affair you realize you absolutely need critical relationship help now. You’re tormented by mental images-sometimes before you even discover any sort of specifics from your cheating husband.
Your marriage doesn’t stand a chance for making it through the cheating until you come to terms with a really essential decision: are you going to deal with the affair details and just how the heck are you going to do this?
You and your husband, with some hard work, can pull through this. But your combined efforts may not go anywhere if you don’t agree to talk about the hurtful specifics, as well as exactly how to deal with all of them in the event that you do. Counter to many typical assumptions, for many of us the best path may be not to talk about all the dirty details of the affair-you may come out in a better place if you don’t go there. For some women though, it might be essential to get some of the specific, painful details from your cheating husband before you can move ahead. It is important to remember, there is life after the affair!
In this article, I’ll present you with three take action steps, ways which will help you make this specific and crucial decision: how to deal with the after the affair details.
Openness: Should It Involve Affair Specifics?
Yes, openness is essential for a healthy marriage. But when a marriage is strained to the breaking point, you may need to be really careful. Getting through the first few days and weeks is no walk in the park. After the affair, you need to conserve your strength and keep a clear head. There may be a lot of heated discussions, raw feelings, and tears for sure.
Whether you have been broadsided by the revelation of a spouse’s affair or even you are the particular one who cheated, there are a lot of feelings and emotions which need to be faced and coped with. In addition you will need to master techniques that can save your marriage – techniques like openness.
However, being open does not automatically imply that all specifics of the affair need to be discussed for you to survive infidelity.
In some situations, figuring out the specifics may result in a lot more damage than good. For instance, if your spouse’s affair was long-term and went much deeper than a one-night situation, there would certainly be a great deal of specifics. This might end up being too much to handle, and give rise to images which may not only stay with you for weeks and months, but may torture you and need the help of a good therapist to help you overcome. It is important that you do not turn away from help after the affair, however hard it is to tell people what has happened.
This is why I feel it’s essential to understand the right actions to take right now. I wish I had the clarity I have now when I was going through this (and I got this clarity not by working on myself, but by helping other women get through what you may be going through). The way you handle this can very easily affect how long it will take you to get through this, and in some cases, if you ever will completely recover.
After the Affair Three Action Steps
Here are three clear action steps you can take right now.
Step 1: Decide on how you are going to deal with the specifics
You are the one who needs to decide how much of the specifics you get from your cheating husband. The cheater might think it will help you if he gets it all out, in fact it may be helping him more than you. And sister, you come first right now. You need to know how much you want to know or can handle knowing. This is critical.
You are the one he hurt. If you want to save this marriage, you need to decide if you feel knowing the details will help you or break you in getting through this awful, painful time.
Most women I help tell me they have a short list of basic items they need to be answered. We all have a sixth sense about relationships and let’s face it–guys are just clueless. We might have felt that things just weren’t right and he may have brushed you off.
You need to know that yes, you were right. You need to re-connect with your true self. Don’t let his lies, his brushing you off, cut you off again from your true self.
Step 2: Write down your short list of questions
Write down your list of questions. I recommend this be a short list, don’t go on and on, that can wait. Read this list over a few times until you feel you have it right. You know you have it right when you do.
Think about this list for a few days. But a warning here: don’t obsess about it.
Ask yourself if what you are asking about is truly helpful and necessary for you to move through this to a better place.
Keep in mind the obvious–once you ask for and get the details you truly need now, you can’t undo this. So please make sure you give it a few days–read the list a few times and decide if the answers will lead to unbearable images in your mind, or if the answers are what you need now to get to a healing place. You have to remember, that now, after the affair is over is when you have to be in control.
Step 3 : Set clear guidelines with your husband before you talk
If you know you can’t move forward without getting some specific answers, and you are sure you can handle this, I suggest you set clear guidelines before you talk with your husband and ask him the questions on your short list.
You may want to launch a surprise attack on your husband (after all, what did he just do to you?) launching question after question at him.
I would hold off. These kinds of conversations can get ugly fast.
I would suggest you give the cheater a heads up that you want to sit down for some Q and A.
You set the guidelines. You might say “I only want you to answer the questions, no excuses and no elaborations.”
If you feel it might be helpful to you, you might consider making a comment below–you can make up a first name and you don’t have to enter your email to do this.
I would be very interested to know if this three step plan helped you, and to know about your experiences in handling affair specifics. If you chose to ask about the details, did it help? Or do you regret asking?
What advice would you give others?
OK. This is my quick version of what to do after the affair and how to deal with getting information from a cheating husband. But it should at least give you a starting point.
Wishing you well on your healing journey.
Tammy
PS. Because getting helpful advice during difficult times is always a good idea, you may go looking for advice online in order to begin your healing journey. There are quite a few online resources for you to consider. One of my goals with this blog is to review the truly helpful ones, both as a personal resource for my ongoing healing, but also for those women I work with who are confused, hurt, and struggling. I hope the resources I have chosen to review on this site help you find the confidence you need to move on with your life after the affair, guided by the resiliency and inner strength which are your birthright as a woman. This is one I particularly recommend: How to Emotionally Survive Marital Crisis Free Report
Dear Tammy,
2 months has past since the last time I write to you, still i have doubt on my husband…
Several things happen.. As I said previously that I don’t trust him.
Even though the woman has resign.. It doesn’t really make me relieve. I still suspect that they might still contact each other.
My suspicious is correct. I forward my husband un-answered call to my phone, from there I know the woman still contacting my husband. I spy on my husband via the GPS.. he doesn’t know about it.. he thinks I hired someone to follow him. I know where he is going. 1 day on 7 may, 1 week after they do not work together, via the GPS, I know my husband is going to a different place that he is telling me… I rush myself to the place to the GPS spotted. It directed to a mall… I wonder, where should I find him later once I get there…but… I was very lucky… once I enter the mall, I saw both of them in a restaurant. I have tried to cool down.. but once I sit together with them… I can’t help my self. I pour a glass of water to the woman, and I call him a bitch. Everyone at the restaurant were looking at us… It was quite embarrassing, but at that moment…I don’t care.The woman finally went off. My husband excuse was that he is only want to help her to get her another job as he knew there is job vacancy at another place. That he also wanted to tell the woman, that they can’t have any contact because I don’t allow it.. Honestly.. for me those sounds like excuses…That day I had the most ugly fight with my husband. We yelled at each other.. but…. It doesn’t really solve anything. He still think I am over act, and I think he mad at me because he got caught red handed.Days goes by… we act like nothing happen. We never discuss about it again… but I never forget about it. It still hurt me. On 18 May, again I find out he is going the a different place as what he told me he is going. But this time, I don’t rush to go to the place…as I need to work. Later.. I found out that the place he went, is near to the woman mother’s house. I am very sure that he went there to meet her.
I ask him whether he went to that place, but he lied. He said he did not visit that mall. 2 week later, I went to the mall, just to assured myself and to prove to myself, that he is lying… I checked whether the car my husband drive has visited that mall on 18, and it turns out, it did.
After he came back… his attitude to me has changed. I really don’t know why…
My husband has 3 cellphone. Only 1 is post paid, which means I can have the print out detail who is he dialing or sending sms with. I never find he call that women using this number anymore, but only God know whether he still contacting her using the 2 others. I have ask him to reduce his cellphone, why use so many cellphone, but he refused.
Tammy… over all, after the 18 May… he did change. He’s been nicer to me, however, he never said the words “I love you” to me, unless I said it first.
Finally he knows that I have forward his SMS and his call to my phone, but he did not angry with me..
Now, I never know how is his feeling. Whether he still love me. I feel un-loved by him. I feel that he is only living this live and still with me only for commitment sake. Every time I try to bring up this subject, he shows no interest on talking about it. Instead he seems very irritating with me and my feeling. He said he doesn’t understand what I want more from him. He has been nice to me, never do any “strange” things anymore. He always straight home from office. Always tell me where he is going. He said he doesn’t see a problem with our relation now.
Tammy… I think I am going to be insane… I don’t believe him… Every words related to that woman, irritate me. Hearing people mentioning a word on her living area, her former school, name similar with her, everything… it irritates me..
I stalk her on her twitter… I am guessing her tweet prior to 14 Feb was for my husband. Those “I love U for a thousand years”, “Those I miss you like crazy”.. Impossible those are for her husband rite?? And if she post something romantic words now, I am still thinking, that it is for my husband. Tammy.. how should I continue living this live???
Still hurting, I was only married for 15 days and found out that my husband was chatting with a female online. I printed it off for proof. he told this woman that he loved her and wanted her to call him on his work cell phone or his private cell. that he couldn’t wait to hold and kiss her. Boy did I lay into him. he could not tell me why he did this. he said he was sorry. That was over a month ago. I’ve try to talk to him, but he wants now part of it. he says he loves me. then in the same sentence he says he can’t promise he won’t do it again.
Not sure what to do. I don’t trust him and am in a lot of pain over it. I have no one to talk to.
Dear Broken Angel
I am glad for your children’s sake that this woman is not pregnant! It is also good that she no longer works with your husband so two issues have been resolved.
Your husband prefers to forget about all this through guilt and a sense of relief that it did not get any worse for HIM…not you or the family..so now you have to take control of this situation.
Yes, he is right this marriage will not survive unless you learn to trust him, but he seems to have forgoten that it is up to him to EARN this trust.
You have to make a stand…and I think you need some help to do this..so go and see a counselor on your own. The terms of this relationship are still being dictated by him and that is why you don’t believe him because he is in control.
He has to talk about his feelings or else you will not know how to handle the next years of your marriage.
There can be NO contact with this woman..if he needs a friend it will have to be you, or a man he trusts..he forfeited the right to friendship with this woman when he slept with her!
Go and see a counselor, get some strength back, you have a fight on your hands…he has to be convinced of the way forward being a compromise..and that involves talking to you.
I can advise you of a way forward but it requires you to be strong and right now you need some help with that. maybe a friend or your minister may be of support? I know this is hard..firstly you need to be absolutely sure you want to save your marriage..then take the step to get some help..then the new you has to start again, with him, to rebuild the trust, but there have to be very clear ground rules..agreed by both, not dictated by him!
let me know how it goes?
Thinking of you
Tammy
Hi Tammy..
The woman is not pregnant… I am glad for this result…
The woman also finally resign on 30 April.
However.. i still don’t understand why our relationship doesn’t get better.
I don’t see my husband being remorseful..
I still feel the same pain until now… I also don’t know if I ever trust him again. He never show me that he want me to trust him again..
Every time if I ask him about something, he will answer me, but if i doubt it, instead of convince me, he rather said :”that is the truth, if you don’t believe me, that’s ur problem..”
He did said, if we really want this marriage to last, I must learn to trust him again…
I do want to trust him.. but it seems he does not give me the reason to do so…
He refuse to talk about feelings, he refuse to talk about all the thing related to this infidelity matter. He acted like nothing happen. He doesn’t want to talk about it anymore.. but I really don’t believe that his relationship with the other woman also has finished.
I feel that he thinks there is nothing wrong to be friend with the other woman.. as long as they can manage it only friend. (meaning no sex). But I don’t trust their friendship anymore… To me it is not OK for them to be friend.
I am very tired with this situation… I am very sad.. we’re once so close and now.. even we still live together it feels so far away.. We can’t talk anymore…
Hi there
if you want to email me directly..send me an email at tammy@surviveinfidelityhq.com should get through to me!
Tammy
Hi Tammy,
Wanted to give you an update. I am still with my husband. I am trying. I do have a couple of things I don’t understand. I would rather email you directly but didn’t know how? Thanks
Dear Marci
I’m not sure that your husband is going to admit to cheating! His buddy did not lie for him..he said he was with other friends..and your husband is using annoyance and anger to put you off asking any further questions. Ok, so what if your instincts are right..what do you want to know? Clearly this was a one night stand if anything did happen..do you want details, or to know it won’t happen again, or why it happened in the first place?
Be clear about what you want to know..start with these friends you don’t know…why was he with them? what had happened at work that day? Try talking around the question you want to ask…and see what your instincts tell you.
If he did nothing then your constant distrust and pulling away will cause the very distance you are worrying about! Be careful here, instincts can be wrong, or he may have had the opportunity but rejected it…
If he has cheated, then yes you will be watching him, looking for signs and they will show..if he continues to cheat..but, understand something. Men can have a one night stand, and forget it, push it to the back of their minds, regret it but obliterate it..because in their heads it was just sex and is not going to happen again.
How you deal with this is up to you. You can continue to push and see if he admits to cheating, or, you can let it be but remain watchful. Certainly if his behavior changes and you suspect further infidelity you will have to challenge it. Wheteher you are the kind of person who can let it go if there are no further signs is not something I can judge.
I know this is hard, but you know your husband better than anyone, so you have to decide the next step. Whatever happens, I will be happy to help further if I can.
Thinking of you
Tammy
Dear Kenzie
oh, he did no harm …really? That is his “dodge the guilt” comment! He lost his nerve at the point of having an affair, but he massaged his ego enough to enjoy these women’s attention…and he knew he could get away with it because he was away..while you were at home carrying his child.
He had better start behaving like someone who has a lot of making up to do! You need his computer passwords and you should have his mobile phone bill delivered to your home..because damn it, he does not deserve your trust until proven innocent!
You don’t get past the person who cheated on you until that person accepts his guilt and figures out why he should betray his pregnant wife in this way. no, I bet he does not want to dig too deep into why he did this, but he has to..or he will do it again..no question.
Get tough, get answers, find the person you love..and banish this nasty self absorbed betrayer from your marriage.
let me know how it goes?
Tammy
Dear Lisa
ok so you went crazy..and you stopped what was going to happen. However, you did not stop loving him because you cannot just switch that off.
Yes, this was a worse betrayal because it violated your home..and part of me thinks it was either the thrill of the risk that made him do this, or a subconscious desire to get caught. Either way, the hurt and pain will go faster if you knwo why this happened. the only way forward for you is to talk to him, face to face because you need to see his reactions. You clearly have somewhere to go, family, but in another country I am assuming..so tell them you are going home to resolve this, BUT, you might need to come back. this gives you a safety net.
Then, pack your bags and go back to sort this out. You need closure, you need o know whether your relationship can be saved, and you need him to explain. a telephone is not enough, you have to see him to be convinced one way or another.
Go back, talk…then make a decision…you owe it to yourself.
Tammy
PS – if your family advise you against this, remember this is YOUR life!
Dear devastated
your feelings are still very raw and your husband is overwhelmed with guilt, so don’t expect great communication at this point!
Step 1: talk to someone..ok you feel unable to betray him to your family..so find a counselor, a stranger who is qualified to listen but will not judge either of you. I am going to be blunt…you cannot do this alone.
Step 2: give yourself a break! Family don’t need to know what has happened, just that you need some time with your husband alone, away from the children..for goodness sake, all couples need this!
Step 3: stop thinking about the OW..she has to figure stuff out with her husband..and your husband is no longer part of her personal life…he is her daughter’s softball coach..that’s it.
Step 4: start eating properly…make it something you do WITH the kids..teach them to cook, get them to help round the house…make it a game for the younger ones and part of the chores for which you give spending money for the older ones.
OK, now let’s address your pain..it will not go away quickly, accept that. take each day at a time, stop waiting for your husband to notice you, care for you etc…WRITE DOWN WHAT YOU NEED HIM TO DO. Men in this situation are generally hopeless at ESP! He wants to stay with you, he says he loves you, he needs to be told HOW to convince you of this.
Keep a diary for a week…what hurts, what works, what scares you…then show him..ASK for what you want..and go away with him for a few days to talk this through and rediscover why you were together in the first place..heck a motel in a nice location will do. Go for walks, and perhaps just walk in silence letting nature do some healing.
All I can tell you is that it will get better, easier, less painful..but it takes time..and communication..and support.
Let me know if there is anything else I can help with?
Thinking of you
Tammy
I found out 4 months ago my husband had been having an emotional affair, that turned into more. He never told me the truth from day 1 after I found out. I had to discover everything on my own. He was devastated when I found out. He has been trying very hard to say he is sorry and tell me how much he loves me and how it was his bad choices that made him do it We have 4 kids, 9, 6, 4, 3. The first EA he had was right after my 1st child was born. After that our marraige was never the same, I was always guarded and he always felt like the kids took all my time away and he spent more and more time away from home. I wound up raising 4 kids on my own by myself living in a house basically with a roomate who didn’t care to talk to me or our kids. We fought all the time, especially when I was trying to tell him how his ignoring us killed me and wanted to see if he had any feeling left at all. He did not. Then again why would he for the last two years he had another woman on the back burner to run to whenever he wanted while I was home miserable. Right before I found out I had a breakdown because I felt stuck with no where to do. I told him that I didn’t think he cared if I stayed or left. He assured me then that he loved me and it would kill him if I left. This was 3 weeks before I found the fatefull e-mail. Since then he has had no contact with the OW, except for the fact that he coaches her daughter in softball and he has to see her and her husband at all the games. This kills me. I am in a lost state right now. Some days I can’t get enough of him and some days I just want to get rid of him. There isn’t a day that still doesn’t go by that thoughts of them cross my mind. Things are relatively back to normal with us as far as I think he feels really comfortable that I would’nt leave at this point. I just am in limbo right now. I can’t get over the hurt and pain of what he did. I can’t get over the years of me begging him to love me and now knowing why he didn’t. Yes, he is here with me and reassures me it is because he loves me and doesn’t want to be with her, but he is back to not looking at me when he speaks, ignoring me, only wanting me around when it convenient, he wants to cuddle when he wants to and he attempts no sexual contact it is all initiated by me. I am just lost, destroyed, and am losing grasp on my own life. I have not taken care of myself as I have lost 40 lbs. and I am not taking care of my kids the way I should. Please do you have any advice, I am at the end of my rope. I have told no one about this, I am to embarrassed and am protecting him, for what reason I don’t know. Please help.
hello i have been married well not legally for 2 years with a man 2 years younger than me. I have recently caught him with another woman in our home but not physically in the act. I went balistic. I confronted them both and destroyed all his clothes. Later on i came to another country and 3 weeks have passed and we recently started talking again. I felt like the world fell in my face and that i couldn’t overcome what happened. I feel used, unwanted, unattractive, betrayed and hurt. I love him, but i dont know if i can ever forget about what happened. I want to move forward with my life with him but im scared he might do it again. He tells me it was a one time thing and that they didnt even get to have intercorse. What affects me the most is that it was in our home. What should and/or can i do to overcome this and continue on living my life with him???
Thanks so0o much!!!
Dear Tammy,
I’m in a position where I don’t know how to move on. In October of last year, while I was pregnant with our second child, my husband of 4 years started working in another state, he leaves town and doesn’t come back until Christmas, during that time he met many women, got their phone numbers and was talking to them, he joined a dating site, and ended up taking one woman out to dinner. He didn’t actually sleep with any women, but to me it feels just like he had. I’m still on the fence as to whether or not I should stay with him. We talk about it, he answers any questions I might have about it, but I just don’t know how I can trust him again, and considering I didn’t trust him completely given that he cheated on me just as we first got together. I know he wants to stay together, he didn’t come clean about what he did until the evidence was staring him in the face, and his thinking was, “well since I didn’t actually ‘do’ anything, I didn’t need to cause you undo harm. I know what I did was wrong and I stopped doing it long before I came home.” In some ways I see him as two different people, the man I love who loves me and would do anything for me, and the man who was a complete jerk, only now I’m starting to see them as one and the same:) How do I trust him again, and how do I get past “the person” who cheated on me?
Kenzie
Hi Tammy,
I have been with my husband for 12 years and married for 2. We don’t have the “perfect” marriage but it is pretty great or so I thought. We argue but doesn’t every married couple? When my husband goes out with his buddies he does not return home till late. He tells me where he was even if it is a gentlemen’s club. I don’t think he has ever lied. The other night he went out with his buddies. I woke up at 7:30 in the morning and he was not home. I called him and his buddy that he went out with. His buddy went home round midnight and said my husband stayed out with some other friends. Friends that I have never heard of before. My husband called me back after 15 minutes and said he fell asleep in his car. He has never done this before. I want to believe him but my instincts tell me differently. He insists he is telling the truth and becomes annoyed when I ask him questions about that night. I have explained that the whole thing does not make sense to me. I am uncomfortable if he touches me now. I pull away. I think he cheated on me. My insincts are usually right. How do I help him realize that I need to know the truth…to help me forgive and to get the images out of my mind?
Thank you.
Dear Kim
what a catalogue of emotional disaster, and I understand your anger and hurt. You need to remember, you have handled some really terrible things and come out the other side. You have tried, you have battled and now you need to refocus. There is only one issue that is important now…your children. You must rebuild your relationship with them and if at all possible your family..these are real relationships that mean something. let’s face it your relationship with your husband is over…it has been over for a while, he has been manipulating you and now you have to walk away FROM HIM for good. This does not mean abandoning your children..they need you, and you have a duty to them..so focus on that.
I wish you luck, thinking of you
Tammy
FAIR????? Do you really think he deserves “fair” He’s lucky you are still married to him. Do you think him exposing you to STD’s is fair?
i got just enough facts to devastate me & my whole life shattered as my husbands emotional affair to him with my also married cousin was nothing compared to”my actual affairs. But what I found totally said they’d been together. My x-cousins emails clearly state that she thought he was dumping me for her. A year and a half it went on. And I’d been home for a year and a half to try to work things out with my husband after years of not living a life as a married woman with my husband but that of a single woman. And my husband a single man. I was there to care for two years for my husbands dying mother. Before that to raise his wild teenage son along with my own two kids. I took care of everything very well. I was there right next to him when he had his chance to fulfill a dream of having his own business. He walked away from that business and left me alone to handle all the aftermath hat came from closing a small retail used car lot. He didn’t discuss anything with me before taking off 4 hours away to Santa Barbara to take a job he never asked me what i though about such a move. I almost kill myself but 2 months later I’m in Santa Barbara too. He gets the smallest apt ever and he knows we have my two sons To me he said a lot in those actions. Talk is cheap. Actions speak louder than words. Intimacy starved I was/am still and emotionally I left the relationship. I walked and he never came to get his wife if it was true that he never wanted me to leave. Actually he is a huge liar. On the few occasions I returned it wasn’t but a day til he is screaming at me all these verbally abusive things none true with in earshot of my son who was in high school (i didn’t want to pluck him from his life n friends so I trusted god) To stop the damage my husband was trying to inflict I would just leave. SO then a few years down the road my husband schmoozes me to rethink the marriage now that kids are grown n gone and we have time now to devote to us. I agree. I break off with a boyfriend that I really love but felt I needed to do this and if it not work out get a divorce before I could be with the boyfriend and us be taken seriously. To make a long story short my husband decides to fall for my heartless evil cousin who is so bad she had two kids…not one by her married lover 25 yrs her junior while married to her high school sweetheart and she passes both babies 4 years apart as husbands until the day the lovers wife dies. Then she only saw her lover as finally free and so she totally rips those children from her innocent loving husband telling him finally the truth. This is the woman my husband finds a better companion than his own wife. He even buys me a new wedding ring while we in Mexico. It’s ugly. He only admitted enough to know he is lying and withholding a lot. of info. He was so abusive back then it all makes sense. I couldn’t get a nice honest answer out o him. Yet he had to the nerve to say he was working hard on us. He played the innocent victim and made me look so foolish to my family that is now estranged. He thinks he has done nothing. So if you ladies are getting your man to talk about details to put closure to things and begin to heal-YOU ARE LUCKY & He could be a keeper!
Totally fair!!!
He is supposed to be reassuring you that the two of you are back on track…ask for proof..it is an act of faith from him!
Tammy
Is it fair for me to ask my cheatng spouse for proof that he ended the affair?
Dear H
he lied because he knew he would risk everything that mattered…he cheated because it reassured him he was still attractive and he was heging his bets!
Yes he was selfish, a liar and all that you feel is totally understandable!
Right now you need to focus on buildng up your self-esteem..and let him know that no way is he off the hook with a couple of sorrys…he can help you by spending good time with you, on your own…getting a sitter and taking you away for a while maybe, just the two of you.
Alternatively, he could look after the children while you have some quality time on your own, healing.
As for the images in your head, you have to find some substitute pictures to call to mind when the bad images come. Take lots of photos of your children, and beautiful images you can surround yourself with to inspire and uplift you.
The crying ill stop, but I expect it happens even more often because you are pregnant..so think of your baby, he/she wants a happty mom!
You are the most important thing right now, your health and your peace of mind…he has to help you as much as possible, and give you a breathing space to work this out.
ref my book, yes it’s only available on Amazon at the moment, as I’m not allowed to sell it elsewhere when it is on there. You can download a free Kindle app to read it on your pc or laptop if that is any good?
i do think you need to give yourself some time, don’t make any hasty deciisions you may regret…
Thinking of you
Tammy
Thank you. My problem is that he actually says that he was always certain it was me he wanted and the reason he lied and kept everything from me was bc he didn’t want me to find out and leave him. That makes me think so much less of him, like how could I have fallen so in love with someone and been so duped by someone who made a concerted effort to lie and deceive me, and was so selfish that he wanted me all to himself but was sleeping with women all over the world. I feel terrible about myself and even though I’m smart and accomplished in my career, I feel like a naive little girl and complete idiot that I didn’t see any of this. I really am stuck in the past, I just can’t seem to move on and the visions of what he did with these women are stuck swimming around in my head, how he touched them and kissed them and then called me afterwards to say how much he loves me and misses me. Our former therapist said that I had an unrealistic fairytale of how I thought our life would be and that to heal I need to rewrite the fairytale, but I don’t even know what that means! I don’t think it was unrealistic bc we had both always discussed how we needed loyalty, honesty, and trust to be together so I was just expecting him to give me what he said he would. So for him to get away with 6 years of incessant cheating and then just throw in a few “I’m sorrys” and “it won’t ever happen again” and I’m supposed to just forgive and move on. Is that really what I have to do to get past this? Bc like I said before, he really was a great partner before when I didn’t know what he was up to and he’s an amazing father so is that enough? Is it worth it for me to be so jealous of everything and doubting my self worth and crying myself to sleep and at the drop of a hat when an image or thought pops into my head? I want him to do something to help me get past this and he asks what he can do and I have no idea. He said he will continue to reassure me that I’m who he wants and that it won’t happen again but it’s not like I’m trying to get past a one night stand, this was him being a complete selfish ahole and liar for years. I know if I left him I would still be sad, and also alone and missing him, but maybe I would feel empowered and get back some of the confidence I had in myself before he tore me down. I didn’t think I would still be feeling like this a full year later. Also, is your book only available on the kindle? I don’t have one but do have a nook. Thanks again.
Dear Heartbroken
from what you say, it would seem that your husband was uncertain of your relationship until he made the comittment to marriage.
While you were apart he was still trying to decide if this was the relationship he wanted..but he has now decided that it is you and the children that he wants. This is very hard for you because you had made the comittment…and were faithful to him.
You are struggling with this now because you are pregnant, and in the past this has been a danger point for your relationship. Men are more able than women to seperate sex and love..this is what he does..and you need to know that he has got past this view of relationships. The reasons men cheat are complex but certainly your husband seems to be weak in several areas of this…although I am inclined to believe that he sees being married as a different situation!
The only way you can get past this is to look forwards instead of looking back at the past…but you still have unresolved feelings.
I suggest that you go back to counseling…maybe he attends a couple of times, but you need the support to work through this hurt.
You also need to change the way you two are when you are pregnant..you quite rightly feel that this is a vulnerable time for your relationship…
You need to tell him that you feel exposed right now, that being pregnant is a trigger point..he needs to talk to you about how he sees sex during this time..and he has to be extra supportive, telling you where he is, letting you access his phone, his computer etc..you need the reassurance.. Read my book, Reasons Why Men Cheat.(available on Amazon).WITH HIM..he needs to talk to you about the WHY..because this has to be laid to rest..and you two need to PLAN your future together or you will remain stuck in the past hurt.
Let me know if I can help further…the main thing here is that you must lay past ghosts to rest and look forward..talking about how you BOTH want your marriage to be for future years…important as you have children depending on you two to work this out.
Tammy
Dear Heartbroken
I cannot remove your picture as it is based upon your settings..if you go in you can set your avatar to the default icon and it will use an anonymous picture instead.
Is there a way to take my picture away? I don’t know how it posted. Thanks.
Hello Tammy,
I have been with my husband for 8 years, married for a year and a half. We have a 6 yr old and 2 yr old. I found out 6 months into our marriage that he had been cheating throughout our entire relationship, only stopping once we were married. One year before our wedding I did find a few flirtatious emails between him and another woman but she lived far away and it was clear from the messages that nothing physical happened but it made me suspicious from then on. He said it was boredom (we were long distance at that point), apologized and swore it wouldn’t happen again. Well 6 months after our wedding he forgot to log off of his email (which he never does) and I found a few chat conversations between 2 women, one long time friend of his, and another girl I don’t know who was 20 years old (he was 27). They were from the previous year, while I was pregnant with our 2nd child and they were very sexual. He spoke about how great the sex with the 20 yr old was and also about how he loves me but that what they do has nothing to do with me. With the “friend” she spoke of not wanting to see him bc she cares too much about him and how she knows that he will never leave me.
I confronted him right away and told him to lay it all on the table or I leave him at that moment. He admitted to sleeping with a total of 5 women over the course of our relationship, all of them multiple times, except for the 20 yr old which was just once, although they fooled around on other occasions over 2 months period. We had been long distance on and off throughout our entire relationship due to his job (different countries long distance) so 3 of the women were in the countries he was in at the time so I dealt more easily I think with those, but the 20 yr old and the “friend” were while we were together and living together and I can’t get over them. Especially the 20 yr old bc half the time they were fooling around and definitely when they had sex, I was pregnant and he had so desperately wanted me to get pregnant again so I just can’t understand how he can be one person who claims to love me so much and be excited about the wedding planning and new baby, while at the same time sleeping with some young girl and then talking with her about what they want to do to eachother for months after that and also talking to the “friend” about the same things. He even took our newborn son to see her for lunch one month before the wedding bc he said he knew he would never see her again so he just wanted to say goodbye. I was crushed and heartbroken (still am).
I asked him for a divorce, left for a few weeks and almost cheated on him, but then came back and we went to counseling. He claimed that none of the women were affairs bc he didn’t care about them and it was just sex bc he was bored and/or just bc he could, that they had nothing to do with me or our relationship, I’m perfect, all he’d ever want, loves me and the kids and doesn’t want to lose us. He kept focusing on the fact that everything was in the past and those nasty chat conversations were were from a year ago so he was completely committed to me now which just doesn’t make me feel better. I just can’t wrap my head around how he could claim all those things but continually lie and cheat. I would never do that and now I feel so stupid and foolish and like I don’t even know him. I found all of this out a year ago and even still can’t get past it. I’m also pregnant now again which he is thrilled about but it has brought all of these feelings back to the surface and I can barely look at him without all of the hurt coming to the surface. I cry all the time (including right now) and I don’t know how to heal myself. He’s been the ideal husband and father and has said that he will do whatever it takes to help us get better but there’s nothing that he can do at this point that makes me feel any better and I still really resent him for doing this to me and ruining all the great memories I had of our life together. Thanks for listening and any light you can shed.
Dear Broken Angel
this is a terrible situation to be in..and let’s face it, this MRS X is probably wondering whetehr if she is pregnant is it her husbands’ or your husband’s..so she is in denial..
Is Mr X aware of the possibility of pregnancy? i think that the two of you need to agree how to deal with your cheating spouses…and yes they must stop working together..
Your husband is trying to find another job..is she? it really doesn’t matter who changes jobs, they cannot continue to work together..and they cannot continue to keep secrets from you and Mr X
The two of you have power here..you are talking to each other, you have a common goal..to get at the truth and stop the affair..
You also have children to consider..and it worries me that nobody is thinking of them!
of course your husband is confused..he may have completely destroyed two families with his selfish behavior! he needs to take responsibility..and he must talk to you..
One step at a time..you need support..family, friends, your minister..someone to talk to..you won’t get through this alone.
You cannot do anything about the possible pregnancy until it is a certainty and then you will have to wait for a paternity test..so resign yourself to this not being over yet.
NOT working together may take time..in the meantime..he needs to hand you his phone when he gets home..and stay off the computer..NO CONTACT..nothing you can do about work right now.
Don’t waste energy on stuff you cannot influence…spend your time on getting your husband to talk to you honestly and always tell you where he is..he has to earn your trust back.
Do not promise anything ou are not sure of..sleep seperately if you feel uncomfortable with sex..it will take the pressure off you…how you behave is up to you..don’t over think it..follow your instincts..but make sure you have someone to talk to..maybe sort out some counseling..the rest I’m afraid is going to have to wait.
Let me know how it goes?
Tammy
Dear Helen
I am not sure that this is a marriage worth saving..your husband cheats, lies and laughs at your pain! Your counselor seems at a loss to help you and you are trying DESPERATELY to please your husband sexually with no reciprocal affection.
This other woman seems to be having all the fun! Her poor husband has given up..your husband is planning to leave you..and be with her, but she will get bored of him too probably..so do you want her leftovers?
For goodness sake Helen, where is your self respect? Get out, go see a lawyer..frankly I think he is planning to leave you anyway and is just waiting for the right moment..then he will go, probably leave you in financial difficulty and you will be powerless.
GET YOUR LIFE BACK!
This is not love, it is ridiculous sacrifice…see a counselor of your own, get back your strength and get out.
Tammy
Dear Island Gal
oh my..this is a dilemma..and I’m afraid I am going to sound very moral right now, but I am shocked and appalled…I know that 15 year old girls can be mature, but this is rape..sorry..whether it is your husband or your friend, it is still statutory rape and illegal..and I could not in your situation keep quiet about it.
My advice; speak to this girls’ mother..tell her that her daughter is having sex with an older man and you are very scared it could be either your husband or his friend, but that you cannot in all conscience ignore it.
I’m afraid that is it is indeed your husband who is sleeping with this girl that he is so in the wrong that I could never personally cover for him, if it were my husband!
Your father has his suspicions..and I’m afraid whoever your husband is sleeping with, it is likely from what you say that he is cheating on you.
I cannot give you the usual advice about saving your marriage here..I’m sorry..a CHILD is at risk..and yes I know some 15 year olds act like adults, but she is a CHILD still…and this is WRONG.
Please do the right thing..don’t let this abuse continue..whoever is responsible..and let me just say that if your husband is covering for his friend…well I would not want to be married to a man who thinks it is ok to sleep with a 15 year old girl! he may be covering for his friend because he is cheating on you with another girl..it doesn’t matter..he should be stopping this!
I hope that you understand that I just cannot condone this..whatever the circumstances..the rest of you are adults..she is 15 years old and needs protecting, even if it is from herself!
Tammy