Why He Cheated on Me?
You may not have had any idea that your marriage was in trouble
For most women who find out that their husband was cheating on them, the first considered reaction, and question they ask themselves is, how could this happen? You may not have had any idea that your marriage was in trouble, or maybe you had asked yourself, is he cheating on me, and dismissed the notion as foolish, ridiculous, and unthinkable. Now faced with the harsh reality of infidelity, and once the initial shock has passed your head will be full of these questions, which you may or may not get answers to. It is no good me saying don’t beat yourself up over this, because you will; but I can say, at some point you must stop beating yourself up over this! You are going to get angry with yourself, and believe you to be naïve, stupid, blind, not to have “seen the signs†and known that your husband was having an extramarital affair. This is a normal reaction, but pointless, your husband did not want you to know he was cheating on you so he hid it, and he was successful, for a while, now you know about it, you have to forgive yourself for not realizing before, and let that question go.
Is he cheating on me? How could he do that to me?
There will follow a series of questions you will ask yourself, questions that actually you need to ask your husband, but not right now, not until you are ready to handle the answers. You will want to know whether anybody else knew about the affair, have other people also betrayed your trust by not telling you? You will need to know how long the affair has been going on, and this will be very valid if you want to put your marriage back together the length of the affair will give you answers to when your marriage started to go wrong. That terrible word trust will rear its ugly head at this stage, can you ever trust your husband again and has this happened before? If this is your husbands’ first extramarital affair, then putting your marriage back together will be easier than if he has been unfaithful on a regular basis.
The other aspect to trust is whether you can trust yourself again; your emotions are likely to be extreme at the start, and perhaps that is not a natural or comfortable state for you. Extreme emotions are painful and frightening, and in the context of a lot of infidelity going on around you, reported in the newspapers and discussed in many hairdressers, you may wonder if you are overreacting. The answer is no, you have a right to these feelings, a right to feel hurt and angry, and scared, and a right to wonder whether you are crazy to still love your husband after such a profound betrayal. You loved your husband yesterday before you knew about the affair, the knowledge cannot automatically switch those feelings off, and if you want to repair this marriage, it will take a lot of love, so hold onto that feeling for now.
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sareena, i read your artical and at first I thought maby you were worried for nothing, i mean everyone has cell phones now adays, and with some jobs (if you travel) or (commute) actually its very safe for him or anyone to have a cell phone for protection. He prob. wanted to go looking like everyone else and have a cell phone on the business trip.
As I read on, I do have to agree that since he does have a cell phone now, he could have called you from the phone so the number would at least show up on your caller id for reference to get ahold of him, also yes a 20 second phone call even if he had to leave you a message saying he would not be in would have been the thing for him to do. Without getting mad you need to investigate a few things. try to find out who this friends daughter is and her age and where she lives and kinda keep an eye on that and where she works even.
Some things to analize is could he be snappy because of money problems, and again maby work is putting a strain on him? If that isn’t the issue, than I would truely consider that he is hiding something signifigant from you and you need to just kind of point out the changes you see that you don’t care for and how they immidiatly impacted you and how they are long term impacting you and if there is “anything you can do to help”
I would listen to your “gut” feeling, but do not accuse until you investigate and watch and watch some more. keep yourself a private note pad and write down upsetting conversations so you can go back to them with the dates and what happened to put this puzzel together. HIDE IT WELL it could cost your marraige if its ever found!
Then in the end, you can see the lies, because you kept record of them. If he has a computer, cellphone, bank account that you normally have access to watch them for unusual things. go to history on the internet and see what is going on. (trust me I am there with my husband) but he locked the computer now so i cant look…Â but my gut tells me much more than the issue your describing with yours that is for sure.
You can not blame or accuse until you have solid proof, sometimes you may never find out.
you don’t really give enough examples to really see if cheating is going on, and shaving before work etc is a normal thing to do if he works in an office or representitive job, you have to look and smell good in todays work world, that is how you play the position and get promoted it doesn’t mean cheating its sad but that is society. for woman a long skirt vs knee high for office your more apt to move up the ladder at work if you hitch it up and unbutton a button, that is the way it is, but its not cheating, just eye candy.
I have been on business trips before myself and they can be demanding and i can see how innocent that occurance could have been with him, yet it could have been a cheating occurance, like i said you are going to have to keep notes, times, dates etc and keep an eye open more.
keep me posted.
c
Dear C
your relationship is in trouble..and unless he will talk to you about it, there will be no way forward and it will get worse!
Write a list of all the things you are worried about and then make him sit down and talk to you.
If he won’t talk to you, tell him he is risking the end of this! If he does not care about you leaving..get a lawyer…this cannot go on and you know it.
Time to get tough girlfriend!
Tammy
Dear S
NO, you are not being paranoid, something is clearly very wrong, and yes it may be that he is cheating!
OK, so you knew each other for ages, had children but only recently got married…and it sounds as if this has freaked him out. There may be a lot going on at work that you do not know about, and maybe he feels the pressure but does not want to tell you. He may be seeing another woman, but at present you do not know for certain.
Whatever is going on, it is destroying your marriage, so you have to confront him, but NO shouting…this makes it easier for him to get angry, pick a fight and walk away without answering you.
Wait for him to get back, arrange for someone to have the children and then sit him down and explain that you are worried about him! Do NOT accuse him of cheating, ask him what is happening at work that makes him so angry? Let him know that it is ok to tell you the worse, is he in danger of losing his job and scared to tell you? Is there somebody at work making life difficult? He was and is a good man from your experience, but now you know he is lying to you and however awful the truth you need to know.
You may want to write this all down before you talk to him, to get it straight in your head. You could ask him if he feels trapped now he is married, whereas it was fine before..but that in your eyes it is a good thing to be married…and you want to make it work!
By NOT accusing him, by being calm and caring, you should trigger some kind of confession, whether it be work or a mistress!
Do understand that he may tell you something you are going to be very upset by, but you need to remain calm…
Let me know how it goes? Thinking of you
Tammy
i think he has always liked porn, i mean every guy does. but the thing that is new is having only that on his cell phone, and no pictures of me. also the password on his desktop is new. I bought him a laptop last christmas and i have a laptop, both have password lock because of the teenage kids (you know they download crap and virus risk) so with the new laptops we left the desktop for the kids to use, even though the desk top was his , before we got married it turned into the kids with the addition or our own laptops. well I found by accident that it had been password locked. when i confronted him, he asked me why I needed to get on his computer, i said yes its yours and we turned it into the kids when we got our laptops, and he said what did you have to do on it so i told him i wanted to transfer old pictures so he unlocked it and stood beside me while i did that then locked it up again with password. I said whats up with this and he said its my fkn computer and i don’t want shit on it or viruses. I said we put virus protection on it its supposed to be the family computer he said its my fkn computer so everyone can stay the fk off it.
so with this said and the fact he has no problem taking me to the beach but we don’t go out to dinner. I ask him to go meet his friends, that gets ignored. he is going to a concert with his brother but his brother didn’t get me a ticket to go.. its a bunch of things.
My husband and I have been together for 8 and a half years, been married for almost three months. We have two children together. I have know him for 26 years. About a month ago he has been acting out of the norm. He has been very snappy and angry at everything. He will leave for work (clean shaven, showered and teeth brushed) in a great mood but would be, to put a word on it, a jerk when getting home. I always take it as a bad day at work but it is getting insane now. He is now on a business trip. Before the trip he said he had to have a cell phone. Neither of us have had or needed a cell phone..why now? When he gets there, all of a sudden the phone is out of minutes. He leaves a message on FB for my friend to tell me this. He leaves no info on his hotel or anything. Eventually he gives me the info and the first number he gave me was wrong. I had to dig the info up then ask HIM for the room number. Tonight, he tells me to call him before bed. I do that and he leaves a message with the front desk saying he is out and will call me tomorrow. This of course makes me angry so I am up for three hours trying to call him looking like a fool. I finally get him and he tells me “well the boss wanted to go to dinner then he wanted to play darts”. Ok so why not tell me this, why tell me to call if you are not going to be there? “I was being nice and being the designated driver”. He changes his stories alot and seems to enjoy lying to me. One time after a tornado hit our neighborhood, he went to the store but took a really long time. He told me the place was packed. The next day his mother calls wanting me to thank him for checking on her friends daughter. He lied to me. He lies to me alot. Now I have been looking at the warning signs, some of which do not fit his behavior, some do. I do not want to believe he could cheat. I have known and loved him almost my entire life. But my gut feeling just keeps growing. Am I being paranoid?
OK C
yes he is cheating on you..even if it is simply by fantasizing and paying for porn, and/or sex..let me ask you something..is this recent or do you think he has always liked porn?
He is keeping secrets and he is aggressive when you challenge him..and he is keeping you out of his socializing..he is cutting you off.
Make sure you have your own money, in your own account and you can pay your own bills. Start going out with YOUR friends and get a lawyer because I think this may be the start of the end..and you need to be prepared.
Next, when you are feeling confident..ask him directly, “what do you get from this porn?”
Then ask him if he wants this marriage to continue..you need to know whether he sees this as HIS business but the marriage is fine!
Don’t go around the houses, you hae to be direct..this is all too suspicious and unkind..bottom line you need to know whether this is a marriage or just a convenience!
Let me know how it goes?
Tammy
if my husband has porn on his phone where the pictures are and i told him it bothers me because of these reasons otherwise i probably wouldn’t care, the reasons are he doesnt have one single picture of me on his phone. when i found these by accident because we have the same phones, he told me his friend sends them and the automatically go to his pictures, and I know you manually have to save pictures from your text to your pictures so i know that is a lie, so he is prob paying for them to come, which he denys, they are professional, you know the kind you can get sent via paid programms. and the other reason is after pointing it out he has erased them only for me to find them “new ones” a month later. after that he told me to stay the fk off his phone he pays the bill. I told him he could have my phone, i pay my bill, for a week im not hiding anything. I asked him several times to spice up our life and share these things, maby it would be good to look at them together but he seems to do it all in private. his computers have passwords now. I know he is viewing porn, i have found cd’s and asked him to watch together he claims he threw them out but i found them cleaning they were on top of the shelves in kitchen… what is going on here. is he cheating? what is so private? why wont he share? can anyone help….. he also goes out with his friends but anytime I mention going out its too much money. its too close to christmas something. but he will go to the beach with me (its not a public place) but wont take me where there are people… and no I am not ugly. I am 5’2 116lbs naturally med blonde green eyes, long hair. im in good shape for mid 40′s and he is 50. i need help.. i am seriously thinking he is cheating.. but cant prove it.
Can I be honest with you C? Yes your husband is cheating on you 100%. After reading your post it is so obvious but you are blind to it because you are IN the relationship with him. Let me tell you the dead give aways.
1. “everytime we have a fight he says he wants out, he wants a legal seperation”
He DOES want to leave you but he is hinting it and letting you know what it coming, more like practicing his next move on you. Don’t be surprised when he actually says he wants a legal separation and he does go through with it.
2. “my oldest daughter caught him on his lap top looking at porn. I have the
identical cell phone as him and i opened it once thinking it was mine
and it was full of porn”
Sweetheart. Don’t believe his crappy story about his friends sending it to him, that’s the lame excuse they all use! This speaks for itself, any married man that watches porn(with out this spouse) AND even goes to the extent of having porn on his phone (now that is serious!)Â he means he is thinking about sex a lot and NOT with you, he is probably having sex with other women (especially the girls that looks like the ones in the porn if you know what I mean) It’s just a fantasy and he has probably lost interest sexually in you.
3. ” he told me to stay off his fkn cell phone he pays the bill”
He is definitely hiding things from you, like his porn collection and other female contact information, communications with other women and such.
4. “he has started accusing me of having an affair myself.”
Everyone knows that when your significant other starts accusing you of cheating on him/her that is a dead giveaway that he/she is ACTUALLY cheating on you and they accuse you because of THEIR guilt, because somewhere in their silly mind they think if they accuse you, it makes you less suspicious of THEM cheating on YOU!
5. “he has also turned everyone in the family against me”
He is trying to get rid of you. That is the first steps, turn your family against you so be would not be labeled as the bad guy wen he decides to leave you. So he makes you the bad guy and he gets a free pass!
My final analysis is this: He is cheating on you, sexually; most likely (he might not have found another woman outside but there are call girls and strippers everywhere you know?)
He is definitely cheating on you emotionally and in every other way. I might sound harsh but the truth hurts. I can smell a cheating man a million miles away…
XOXO Abbey
Dear C
well I would certainly say that your husband is hiding something VERY significant from you!
He has said he wants a seperation each time you fight but then does nothing about it..it sounds as if he is “practising” the words,,sort of to see how they sound, what your reaction will be etc..
He sounds as if he is trying to disconnect you from his family..to make it easier to disconnect from you! The accusations of you cheating are a sort of “back story” he can tell his family, or a way of helping him to justify his cheating…yes I do think he is cheating on you, or working his way up to it..I certainly think there are times when he is considering leaving you..and what I have to ask you is do you still love him? Do you want to save this marriage?
First steps
Make a time to talk to him..he will do one of two things…he will either try and get out of it or he will be relieved you are taking the initiative and sit down to talk.
If he tries to get out of talking you are going to have to be insistent, tell him you cannot go on like this with his mood swings, you know something is wrong and you need to see if the marriage can be saved..do NOT accuse him of cheating..the idea here is to let him know that you understand the marriage is in trouble, but you are letting HIM tell you the problems.
Regarding his family, I am not sure whether it much matters at this point what they think..unless you are really close, you could try asking them if they know what is wrong?
You have given me a lot of info in this post..write it down, thinking it through carefully…kind of a checklist of issues, so you know what to say to him, and do NOT get off the track with accusations..just tell him that what he does is hurting you and you know it shows that he is struggling with the marriage.
The bottom line is..something is wrong..you have to talk about it..it is easier to fight a known enemy than this uncertainty!
Let me know how it goes..
Thinking of you
Tammy
CAN SOMEONE TELL ME IF MY HUSBAND IS CHEATING ON ME.
everytime we have a fight he says he wants out, he wants a legal seperation. she shows more and more that he wants to go overnight to his friends house which he never did before. i have caught him in small lies that I have just ignored but its the point that its small lies that the truth would have been just as easy. like is this your glass. no. when you saw him take it out and drink out of it. wouldn’t it be just as easy to say ya that is my glass?
he is a truck driver and lately when he says he will be home on thurs its more like sun cause his truck broke down or he cant get his load or something. yet his personal vehicle is parked at his work and he is out in the truck/trailer.
we talk fine on phone all week yet before he comes home he starts a fight on the phone about something. this week it was because I have an item of mine that I purchaced for sale. I asked him who told him it was on ebay for sale since my number and email were posted and he said someone from his work called him to ask if it was for sale. well the only person that ever saw this item would be his friend and he claims it wasn’t him. I said can i have the name and number of this person from work interested and he said he didn’t know his name so i said how bout his number then and he said i don’t have to give you it. so i said well then, i think it is your friend not someone from work. he told me to stay off his fkn cell phone he pays the bill. I noticed that he recently put a pass code on the desktop computer that has never been pass coded and my oldest daughter caught him on his lap top looking at porn. I have the identical cell phone as him and i opened it once thinking it was mine and it was full of porn and when i asked he said his friend sends it to him and i said well if you respect me you would look at them and delete them or at least spruce up our sex life and share them but he does’nt he just says stay off my cell phone. I told him he could take my phone for a week and I have nothing to hide. he said he isn’t hiding anything he just pays his cell phone bill and to stay off it. and finally he has started accusing me of having an affair myself. if i go anywhere he will send me a text hope your enjoying your date. if i miss his call at lunch im having lunch with my friend and lately its our neighbour that he claims i like. this weekend he announced he is going with his friends overnight to a local beach resourt. i said can i come and he said no its a guys only thing. yet his mother called last night and said he spoke to her and said he feels bad i cant come, and i told her that he didn’t want me to go that it was a guys only thing and she said oh that isn’t what he told me. he has also turned everyone in the family against me. he tells them stuff then they don’t come around like his grown son wont come over or his girlfriend anymore because he told them i yelled at his grandmother, and his grandmother came over here and told my husband that i didn’t yell at her and my husband slinked upstairs said he was tired and didn’t want to visit. help me what should i think?
Gina
short answer YES! longer answer MAYBE…he might be suffering from male impotence or an illness or severe depression..what do you think? How on earth did you get to two years without sex before you started to think it was a problem? Have you had kids? Did you go off sex for a while and he stopped asking you for it? Come on Gina, what happened two years ago?
You know the answer, what I am more concerned about is that you have got to two years without sex, with a highly sexually active love life before and now you wonder? You certainly need to know what is going on, but I think you need to ask yourself, why were YOU not worried the first WEEK you stopped having sex, or at least after the first month?
Let me know…you know there is more to this than just sex..
Tammy
i have been with my partner for 17 years and he always wanted sex more than 3 times a week. but now it has been 2 years since we had sex is he getting it elsewhere