When does Sexting become cheating?
It’s in the newspapers, you hear about it a lot, sexting as fun, but if it is your husband or wife doing it, well then, is sexting cheating? OK so you pick up your partners mobile one day and there is a message, something like “Hey Big Boy/Girl I want a piece of you!” You are in shock and you confront your partner who a) laughs it off and says it is a colleague from work messing about or b) goes bright red and says it was a stupid sexting site they signed up for and they haven’t met the person sending the text it was just a bit of fun. How do you react? Most of us might be highly suspicious and want to take it further, naturally we don’t want to believe our partner is cheating on us, but the words stick in our mind and we cannot sleep until we know the unequivocal truth, and we struggle with the thought “is sexting cheating?”
Is this stupidity cheating?
Is Sexting Cheating?
So, what if we discover that it is true, the person at the other end is some anonymous person paid to reply to texts with crude and sexy remarks, a sort of text version of soft porn, what do you do then? Is this stupidity cheating? It is more likely that this is a scenario where the person receiving the text is a man; that is not to say that women do not like some types of soft porn, I am not so naive or arrogant to say that there aren’t women out there who enjoy some smutty texting! However, the person sending the text could be a 75 year old granny from Alabama, the pictures on the website photo-shopped models and your husband is paying stupid dollar for the gratification of some texted thrills. Whilst you will no doubt want to have a conversation about why this kind of stuff gives him a thrill whilst producing profit for AT &T; it is going to be difficult to accuse him of cheating. Many men would answer NO to is sexting cheating in this case!
Co-worker texts, is sexting cheating in this case or an emotional affair?
On the other hand, the story about mates from work messing about may be true, or it may well be a co-worker, she just happens to be female and you discover a whole series of texts, including some hair-raisingly lurid ones penned by your husband. Is this sexting cheating? A torrid text affair is a type of emotional affair in that your partner is sharing intimate secrets with another person, secrets that you had no idea existed and ones they do not wish to share with you. It is an emotional betrayal and whether they have slept together or not, your partners’ behavior has put your marriage/relationship at risk.
The first problem may well be that your partner lies about the texts and it is hard to spot the lie, although your gut instincts are telling you something is wrong. Can you figure out if he is lying? How to spot a lie!
Sexting is not confined to words; all too often the exchange contains photos too, as in the case of Congressman Weiner whose locker room pictures got him into hot water. At this stage, the general public, if asked, might well say that the exchange of compromising semi-nude or nude photos is definitely cheating, as it implies intent. The intent is to flirt, outrageously close to actual physical contact without actually following through. The issue here would be whether the wronged spouse, felt that the “sexter” intended to have actual physical intimacy with the recipient of the texts?
Sexting is Betrayal
The argument from those caught sexting is almost always that they had no physical contact but they seem to have missed the concept of betrayal. If someone, in a serious and permanent relationship, communicates sexually with another person, outside of that relationship, they have betrayed trust. It is almost irrelevant that they have not physically consummated the betrayal, although it is likely that given time they will. When sexting involves a person that is known, that is physically available, it is almost inevitable that a physical infidelity will eventually take place. Part of the argument against sexting as cheating is often that the betrayer is discovered before physical intimacy takes place and so the sexter can, justifiably, claim that it is not a “real” affair. On the other hand, there are some sexting participants who never meet, and are only interested in the fantasy element of the texts and pictures, without wanting to go further. This is more often the case where one of the parties is a professional in the sex industry whose sole purpose is remote gratification, and where money is exchanging hands.
Whether you personally believe that sexting is a bit of fun or a pre-cursor to a full blown physical infidelity, there is no doubt that it causes untold damage to relationships. Certainly there are parents who are advising their teenage daughters in particular of the dangers of sexting becoming an uncontrollable physical situation. In some states there are laws being passed to protect the vulnerable from the potential dangers of sexting.
If you have a story of sexting, either for, as a harmless pastime, or against, as a dangerous form of infidelity, we would love to hear from you. In the meantime, let me know your thoughts on this question– Is sexting cheating?
10 days before my wedding, I got into a fight with my fiance over his lying about going to a strip club for his bachelor party… I expected he had, but he and all his friends chose to lie. I was hurt and angry so I stormed out on him and went to my kids’ place to vent and cool off. I texted some pretty mean things to him throughout the day but finally went back to his house where we had been living together for a year… He was now acting angry and telling me he told everyone the wedding was off… for the first time EVER, I looked in his cell phone to see if he really did text everyone that it was off, and found texts to and from a girl along with a nearly nude photo which he replied to saying how “sexy her tight *** was etc… I freaked out, he lied about it, but my gut knew he was lying so I brought it up again the next day and he admitted to inappropriately texting her but only that day… he knew her from work as a customer and it started out “bantering” about sports… so he says… he said he would call her and tell her he is getting married but when I actually made him do it, he was furious… but he did it…I struggled with the choice of leaving or going through with the wedding….and chose to go through with it, but I am still haunted by this….I check his cell records from time to time, and I blocked her number… but I dont want to worry about this the rest of my life… the only reason I stayed is because he is always with me so I dont think it was physical…but the betrayal is still so hurtful…
Only you know your husband. Is he likely to be lying to you? Are you willing to turn your back on a 10 year relationship for what MAY be just a stupid and horrible mistake? Do you think you can bear to continue with this relationship knowing what he has done?
The meeting with her was wrong wrong wrong and he knows that. He was probably flattered by the attention, but to take it that far, in the position he is in, as an adult with responsibility over children (he taught her before she was 18, obviously – and there are some really immature 18 year olds, the “legal” age shouldn’t come into it in some cases) especially those who come from abusive backgrounds – wrong wrong wrong.
Think about yourself first, your children second. And I find my gut feeling is very rarely wrong.
I just caught my husband of 10 years sexting with an 18 year old student of his who just graduated from high school (he was her high school teacher & claimed nothing ever happened until 2 weeks ago after graduation. He claims that he’s had this opportunity many times, and only went there with this girl because they each had been sexually abbused as children and kind of bonded over that fact (this is something he never told me about in 10 years of marriage). He said, and she told me too that they both had agreed to NEVER have any physical contact, however, he did meet her to “talk about a book” in his classroom, in an empty school building, at 10:30 at night last week. I also found out that he was sexting with her & mutually masterbating in our bedroom while I was home showering. He was sexting with her during the day while I was at work and while he’s home caring for our 4 year old and 1 year old sons! He says he’ll never do it again, he’s so sorry (BTW – I caught him he didn’t come to me & confess). He says he doesn’t want to lose our family, he says I’m the only girl he’s ever really loved and that has ever really loved him. He says he’ll never talk to this girl again, that he’ll give up the coputer, his phone, change jobs (I suggested he not teach high school girls anymore), whatever it takes and we’re both beginning therapy sessions this week (marriage and individual therapy). Everyone else tells me, leave him and get a divorce now or you’re just postponing it and you’ll have to go thorugh this hurt again. But I have to believe that when my husband of 10 years looks at me and begs for forginess and asks me to help him get to the root of his issue, that I should at least try. Am I being an idiot & is he likely just pulling the wool over my eyes??
Help Please!
I just busted my husband of almost 2 years of sexting on facebook and he admitted that it was wrong and says he is so sorry and it would never happen again but my trust is broken and not sure if I can get it back. This is my third marriage and my first two husband cheated on me one with his brothers wife the other with a co-worker. So it took a lot and several years for me to trust my current husband he asked to marry with in the first three months of your relationship and it took me almost an year to say yes then another two years before the wedding. So to find out he had been sexting with someone he has known longer then me and it has been going on for over a year is a slap in face that I don’t know if I can move pass. It sucks and he keeps saying he is sorry and that it was stupid but still every time I close my eyes I see the messages and I start crying all over again and I want to just slap the snot out of someone. So yes sexting is cheating.
I have been dating this girl for a little over 7 months. I have been there for her through a lot, and never looked down on her until now. About 6 weeks ago, while paying her phone bill, I noticed an unusual amount of text messages