Surviving Infidelity Articles
I have put together a ten part series of articles on surviving infidelity with the sincere hope that the advice and ideas in them will be of some help to you. I guess I am trying to put in words what surviving infidelity has meant to me and how it was part of the major upheavals in my life. I do not pretend to know all the answers and I certainly do not advocate either staying in a relationship or leaving it; each individual must make their own choices!
All that I am saying is, you must recognize the emotional damage of infidelity, but know that with work the damage can be repaired. Surviving infidelity takes work, but it can be done, relationships can be healed.
How surviving infidelity makes you stronger
I am not an expert, but I have gone through the fire of betrayal, fear, insecurity and anguish, and come out the other side. Please accept my thoughts as just that, the thoughts and feelings of a woman who has been there. Whatever the outcome for you, if my articles and blog can help then it will be another way that I have contributed to those for whom surviving infidelity seems such an overwhelming challenge! Know this, you will be stronger afterwards, if you always remember not to seek blame but to look for a resolution.
I hope this Surviving Infidelity guide can help you a lot and I appreciate all and any comments on how it can be improved!
Dear Unhappy Wife
i am so glad your husband made the right decision..sometimes those we love need a firm push in the right direction!
i know that the next few days and weeks are going to be tough. it will hurt for some time, but you have your family and church to support you.
Please feel free to contact us here at Survive, anytime you need some extra support..
You will get through this, just keep the lines of communication open and do not be afraid to ask the tough questions!
Thinking of you
Tammy
Tammy, your post was amazing. You don’t even know my husband, and yet you know him perfectly and thoroughly. What you have told me in one post is exactly what the few others who know have said about him (some of them know him well). After getting your post, I took your advice. I spoke to a minister and told family what was happening, and then I told him he had a choice. Her or me. I told him I had hoped he would come to that decision on his own, but he clearly had not and was not going to. He made the right choice and broke things off with her immediately, but there is no jubilant winner here in this scenario. We are all sad. We have all lost. He will be angry with me for some time, I am afraid, but I am hopeful that we can work together in helping each other heal from this. Thank you, Tammy.
Dear Unhappy Wife
I am trying very hard to be objective in my response but confess to a certain amount of anger and disbelief at your husband’s behavior!
I wonder, does your husband’s married mistress deceive her husband also? Does he have no say in this terrible mess?
I understand that for you a Christian marriage of 25 years is not something you want to throw away…but I do feel that currently you seem to have absolutely no control over what is going on.
Your husband’s arrogance is outstanding and he certainly seems to be in a “have his cake and eat it” position!
Patiently waiting for him to get bored of his lover, whilst indulging in make up , grief, anger sex, gives him ALL the power in this relationship.
I know you recoil at the thought of divorce but I think at the very least you should investigate the option, if for no other reason than to know what your situation would be in this case.
His lover may well be clingy and needy and exciting…so what does that make you? Tolerant, loyal, dependable?
For goodness sake, this man has always been arrogant..you just did not let it bother you until he started to cheat on you! What kind of marriage is this? Do you believe that your children would blame you for his actions? Are you carrying guilt for your lack of intimacy?
OK..so maybe your marriage lost its lust for a while..if your husband actually truly believed in Christian marriage, he would be trying to save this marriage, having had an affair, but also feeling disconnected from you for a while..he would be repentant and then you move forward together.
No, his Christian values are non existent! If he no longer loves you, but loves her, he gets a divorce..Christians do divorce. If he still loves you and wants to be married to you, he stops the affair. She has a husband and she is destroying his life too, with your husbands’ help!
No, you don’t wait around for this to fizzle out, you fight! Get advice on a divorce. Tell your family what is happening. While you keep his secret you give him permission to carry on with the affair.
You talk to your minister and ask for advice.
This man needs to lose his power over you before he will fight for your marriage.He has absolutely no incentive to leave this woman, or try and save the marriage while you passively let him continue in this fashion.
So, he went to counseling and ignored any advice, shocking your counselor in the process. What does that tell you? He is not going to stop this affair. do you want a marriage like this? You speak of still being young enough to love again, but that you don’t want to. this is because you are scared to be alone. Well, guess what? It is not that bad! being treated with such little respect will age you beyond belief and drain you of any joy. Stop grasping at straws. Stand up to him, issue him an ultimatum. YOU or HER…and stick to it.
I’m sorry, i have no magic wand to wave over a man who is so selfish, indulgent and, well frankly, cruel. You do not deserve this. You are worth more than this.
Find yourself a counselor for yourself, someone who can help you recover your self esteem and strength to fight this.
Do let me know if there is anything else I can do to help. You can survive this, but it should be on your terms, not his!
Thinking of you
Tammy
I found out in December my husband is having an affair. We have been married for 25 years and have two children at home, two grown. I thought we had a happy marriage, but the truth is, intimacy is not what it should have been over the years. My reticence in the bedroom caused my husband to search for a lover, but now that I have found the truth, he is not willing to give her up. We are Christian, and I do not intend to be married to anyone else in my lifetime. Neither does he. Neither does the girlfriend (also married). He seems to think he can have both a wife and a girlfriend at the same time. This is unacceptable to me, but divorce is equally unacceptable. Over the past couple of months I have been hoping that the affair will wane, but she shows incredible tenacity. On top of this, she is fragile, needy and distraught over the potential to lose him (despite the fact that she knows he has told me he loves her, is loyal to her, and will not give her up). It is also upsetting to her that my husband and I are intimate with each other much more now (call it grief sex, anger sex, makeup sex, whatever — it’s wonderful and I’m not giving it up now that our bodies are one again). It is hard to reconcile making love to my husband every day while knowing that he spends time on the weekends at the Holiday Inn Express with his lover, but I am patiently coming to terms with it, trying not to obsess about them and what they are doing to me and us, and trying to focus on myself and our children and family (who would be devastated if we were to divorce). I am hoping to play the waiting game, hoping she will give up and move on. At the same time, however, I feel the need to be realistic. In their e-mails (yes, I’ve hacked them), they profess their deep and unending love for each other, craving for each other, etc. etc. It is lovely and romantic and wonderful (for THEM). Obviously it is heartbreaking for me. What should I do? I cannot give him an ultimatum because he has accused me over the years of being demanding and selfish (My way or the highway). This is kind of a deal breaker in marriages, though. I am not willing to share my husband with someone else, and I don’t think we can move forward and heal from this affair while she is still hanging around the Holiday Inn. He tells me that the very little time he actually spends with her is nothing compared to the fact that he is home with me every single evening, has loved me for 25 years, and intends to continue loving me until death do us part. He is serious and true in that desire. So am I — I just don’t want to do it sharing him with his girlfriend. I do not want to wait for years for him to give her up, only to find that he never will. If divorce is imminent, let it happen now while I’m still relatively goodlooking, despite the fact that I do NOT want a divorce. I only want my own husband back with me and only me. We have tried marriage counseling, and our counselor indicated that he has never seen a client more egotistical and narcissistic — refusing to take any blame for what he has done, refusing to have regret or sorrow for what he has caused to the marriage, and refusing to see infidelity as a sin against God and our family. He is so focused on the fact that he is (and has always been) right in his opinions and no one else’s opinions matter. In the meantime, every time he leaves me to spend time with her, my heart is broken anew and I don’t think I can go on. Help and prayers needed!
Be assured, there is always life after discovering your cheating husband! I am sorry that your husband treated you with such disrespect and totally understand your anger and sense of betrayal.
You did not waste 31 years..you have wonderful children and your husband was not a rat for all of those 31 years! You loved him once and eventually you will be able to look back at the good times without the unpleasantness of the ending of this relationship.
If I can help in any way do let me know?
Tammy
My husband had an affair with a woman 43yrs his junior, 30yrs younger than me. He even brought her into our house and our martial bed while I was away nursing in another state for six months. A child was involved, he hide this from me for two years and provided for the child and the woman to the tune of $55,000.00( she was high maintaince in the end not the child). It turned out the child was not his in the end. Its now 8mths since I kicked him out the house. 31yrs of my life wasted, married to him. He did the same 23years too. I put aside my anger for the sake my kids, now I dont need him. Iam still going through the emotions. Reading all your comments makes me realise I am not alone. It gives me hope, that there is life after cheating husbands.