Why Do Men Cheat? The Answers May Surprise You!

    April 11, 2011 · 384 comments

    in Cheating, Why Men Cheat

    No Gravatar

    Unfortunately when the question arises why do men cheat, we need to clear the air and say once and for all that it is a proven fact that men cheat more than women. Women are not angels by any means and of course, there are some women out there that cheat just as often as men do. If you are in a situation where your partner/husband is cheating on you then you are probably asking yourself “Why do men cheat?”. Well there are several factors that come into play when a man is faced with the decision of whether to cheat or be faithful.

    Why Do Men Cheat image

    Do men cheat because of sex?

    Why do men cheat– because they are not getting enough sex?

    Well in some cases this is definitely the reason, but for the most part, men cheat because they have the feeling they are in some way not getting the emotional support for their partner that they deserve. Women are usually in the mind that if their husband is unhappy, give them sex. Although I’m sure the men in our lives are not complaining about the amount of sex we are giving them, they also need to feel that they are appreciated for their efforts.

    For most men, their goal is to provide a safe and loving home for their family to share with them. The stress of this can sometimes be overwhelming for them and a little affirmation that they are doing a great job taking care of the family goes a long way.

    Why do men cheat –because I don’t look or dress the way I did 5 years ago when he met me?

    If your a stay at home wife/mother it is so easy to get yourself into a daily routine with the house work and kids and find yourself wearing a comfy pair of sweatpants all day. Or maybe you are a business woman by day, that all you want to do is get home and put on your stretchy pants and t-shirt. I’m sure there is nothing more a man would want than to come home to his wife standing at the sink doing the dishes in her Lingerie, but the truth is that’s probably not going to happen. But making that effort once in a while will definitely help to keep the spark alive. He had to have been attracted to you in the first place, so every now and again, remind him why he fell in love with you!

    Over 60% of men that were questioned about their premarital affair said that they felt very guilty about cheating on their spouse or partner and could have sworn before it happened that they would never have done this to their spouse. Knowing this statistic is very scary because it shows that even guilt will not stop your partner from cheating. This being said, it is now up to you to make sure your marriage is where you want it to be and is heading in the right direction.

    Do men cheat? Well of course they do, but so do women. Just knowing the steps you can take to hopefully prevent it from happening to you is a great head start. If you want to know more on this topic, check out my book, Reasons Why Men Cheat

    Below are my other popular posts about why do men cheat, feel free to read them.

    Is He Cheating on Me? Why?

    Is He Cheating on Me? Why?

    For most women who find out that their husband was cheating on them, the first considered reaction, and question they ask themselves is, how could this happen? You may not have had any idea that your marriage was in trouble, or maybe you had asked yourself, is he cheating on me, and dismissed the notion as foolish, ridiculous, and unthinkable.

    Is He Cheating?

    Is He Cheating?

    Five Cheating Signs to Look For Before You Take Action If you are asking yourself the question “is he cheating on me?”, then, whether he is or not, the fact is that there is something going wrong in your relationship. Everyone encounters good times and bad times, but it’s how ...

    Cheating Men – How to Deal With the Situation

    Cheating Men – How to Deal With the Situation

    If you are reading this then you are probably suspecting your husband or partner is one of the cheating men. And like many other women out there, you are hoping he is not one of those cheating men. But the reality of it is, if you have no solid evidence you must get ...

    Cheating Man – Coping With the Pain of Your Husband’s Infidelity

    Cheating Man – Coping With the Pain of Your Husband’s Infidelity

    Loving a cheating man can be beyond heartbreaking Finding out that the man you fell in love with, and devoted years of your life to what you thought was matrimonial bliss, is in fact a cheating man can be beyond heartbreaking. Finding out about your husband’s infidelity no doubt has ...

    Tagged as: why do married men cheat, why do men cheat on their wives, why do people cheat

    • Dmontybox

      Everything was perfect. As perfect as can be.. yet I cheat on her with my ex and I can’t find out why.
      She said she truly forgave me…but I still can’t forgive myself…

      • Tammy62

        Dear D
        you are holding onto something from your past..work out what is still unresolved..did your ex leave you? if so, maybe this is your way to prove to her that hse is missing out..a sort of odd revenge?
        is your current girlfriend so perfect she makes you feel unworthy of her? The only way to forgive yourself is to figure this out..and I strongly suggest that you get yourself a reality check sooner rather than later..nobody is perfect, we are all human with flaws and irritating habots..stop idelising your girlfriend..and cut off all communication with your ex..move forward but in a more realistic manner!
        Tammy

    • Anglbabies4

      How to you forgive, but can’t forget…how do you get past it all?

      • Tammy62

        Dear A
        I can only say that it takes time and a lot of open communication..no secrets, no lies, and patience…
        Tammy

    • ms. drained

      drained trust

      I had a long distance relationship he is now in hong kong. I love my ex boyfriend so much but we broke up last monday cause someone told me that he’s cheating on me that he has a girl and this is the second time. the first time he cheated on me was last year when we were still together same country, same school I felt so stupid cause the girl that he’s flirting was a really a good friend of mine. at first i don’t put any negative thoughts about it cause i trusted him sooooooo much when i asked him whose with you he will said that he’s with his friends and with that girl but i didn’t give any complain i saw them together on the library on in the canteen i don’t give any words but there comes a rumors that some of our friends were teasing them already so i just told him to stay away from that girl and he said he will. then one day when we had a fight he broke up with me 1st break up, but after a day he came to me and said sorry and he didn’t mean it and i asked him where did he go when we broke up yesterday he said that he watched a movie with that girl but i didn’t give any negative thoughts about it i just put it in a positive way and same thing i just told that stay away from that girl and he said he will. so i thought he did but one day i was checking his facebook i saw their chat with that girl and its so painful to find out that he never stopped and they started last year May until the day of september the month that he’s going to leave to go to other country. i found everything a week before he’s going to leave so my mind and heart wants to forgive him as soon as possible because in just a week has left for us and i want it to be memorable so after a day, he came to my house at 3am in the morning asking for forgiveness and he even wrote a letter nd baked my favorite dessert. he said that he will never do it again. so i forgave him for the second time around i heard so many things about he did with that girl. they kissed they go out and i asked him if he said i love you to her and he said no he doesn’t love that girl…but when i get the chance to talk to that girl my friend she said that he did he said i love you…its very very painful to hear it…i thought im just the one the only one…when i asked him why did he say that to her he said that i dont love her i just used that words jut to get her feelings. what was that? is that possible that he doesn’t love that girl he even kissed her and said i love you?? and then recently i got another chance to talk to that girl she said that my bf called her when he was already in hong kong that was november that he’s saying sorry to her and he even told to her that he is committing the same sin again so the girl my friend wants to be honest and she told me everything she know..and then another pain for me that why can he tell it to her why not to me why can he be honest to that girl why not to me? why? so i talked to him what is it all about the another sin and he said that its just a textmate for a 1 month it started november and he ended it 1st week of december..he said he stopped it because he love me how can you say he stop? its been a month? so i break up with him i didn’t talk to him for like a days but he keeps on texting and calling me he said he hadn’t slept for 2 days and eat properly and then he’s asking my forgiveness nd just believe in him that he’ll change and he’ll do everything to win me back..im not afraid to love im just so afraid to trust…i love him so much and i couldn’t imagine him being with some one else and he also think that way but i told him that we need to breath in and just realize everything he’s asking me to trust him again i cant answer it cause the pain is still here the trust that i gave to him was drained already but he’s asking for another chance and he’ll prove it to me he’ll court me no matter what and i gave him another chance to do it to win me back…and suddenly after i took a shower he’s calling but i didn’t get a chance to answer it so when i called him he’s not answering it anymore then his housemate called me that he was overdosed and they’re taking him to the hospital…i was so furious and im getting crazy worried i don’t understand the feeling.but now he’s stable and conscious. i was really eager to fly to hong kong but one of my friend told me not to cause she said that he’s gona use that to you if ever you go back with him. a part of me always want to forgive him and give it a try again but im just too afraid to get hurt and feel the same pain that he’s gona do it again. i’m not ready to let him go….not ready to see him with another girl that another girl is making him happy. but lots of my friend told me that let him do an action first before you go back to him and think first think everything…all i know is that i love him..am i stupid? or what should i do first? i was really having a hard time right now?? please i need an advice…

      • Tammy62

        Dear Ms Drained

        you do not say how old you and your boyfriend are? Also, why is he in Hong Kong?
        From what you are telling me it seems as if your boyfriend is really unsure right now and also needs some proper help..as he has taken an overdose. I do not see how you can help him from so far away..and am worried that you are being sucked into an emotionally destructive relationship.
        I think you need to try and talk to his family and find out what is going on..but am inclined to agree with your friend that rushing off to HK is not a good idea right now. Long distance relationships are hard at the best of times, but in this case I am not sure it is going to work.
        Is he due to come back? if so, when?
        my feeling is that you tell him he needs to get some help and that you will be a good friend, but you feel unable to trust him right now and you two need to talk properly when he returns.

        By all means keep the lines of communication open…but until you two talk honestly and calmly without all this conflicting emotion it will not be a realtionship you can save.
        I hope he gets the help he needs. meanwhile focus on rebuilding your own life, in your own country and getting yourself stronger.
        Tammy

        • Ms. drained

          our relationship lasted for 1 yr and 4 months. on our 11 months he went to hong kong because his job was there. there’s no exact date when he’ll come back here. but he’ll be here on august to have a vacation. he cheated on me twice but deep inside my heart i still want to forgive him and work it out. but most of my friends told me to let him go and love myself and he’s not worth it. but right now though we broke up we still have a communication but as a friend. and he was asking for another chance and he’ll make everything right this time. the problem is i’m afraid to trust him again. thank you for listening to me.

    • msericapittman

      I have been with my boyfriend for over a year now and he continuously cheats on me and when I find out and he gets mad at me. I please him sexually, I’m there for him mentally(I always tell him I love him, how much I appreciate him) I stand behind him in everything he does, I’m even there for him spiritually. I try to get him to go to church but he refuses everytime. And this last time I caught him I was furious. It took everything in me not to lash out at him.
      Everytime I try to break things off he says he’s not “leaving me.” I told him it was the last straw and he assured me that I wasn’t the reason for his cheating but he thinks he needs help to stop cheating. This doesn’t make sense to me at all.
      He asked me to marry him and now that it’s getting closer to the date he’s started an argument and then unleashed the fact that he wasn’t ready to marry me. I love him so much but my mind is telling me to get as far away from him as possible. If you have ANY advice could you please help me?!!

      • Tammy62

        Dear M

        i have only one piece of advice…LEAVE NOW…he is a narcissist caught up in using women to make him feel good..and getting you to work far too hard to please HIM. he does not want to marry you, that is a delay tactic..to keep you close, then he pushes you away..then pulls you back again..GET OUT before he destroys the last shred of your self respect.

        This is NOT the time to follow your heart..your mind is right..get away from this elfish egotistical monster..and yes I am being extreme..i am very angry..YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS.

        Tammy
        PS – go see a therapist..you should not reward a cheater with sexual favors..you need to unlearn this response to betrayal!

    • Sc Gentry

      Confused

      After just 2 years of marraige my husband refuses to tell me that he loves me, and he will not tell me why, he tells me that it is just words, but he tells his daughter in front of me that you can never say those words enough…………………………. he is passive aggresive buy the way. I think that he is punishing me for something but he refuses to tell the truth about why over night he stopped saying those words to me…… I beleive that he still has unresolved fellings for his baby’s mama…. any clues would be helpful…   

      • Tammy62

        Dear confused

        Stop asking him to say it..say it yourself, to him, to his daughter..to your family..rejoice in the words..Don’t let him denigrate this..show him by actions that saying I love you can be joyful and make people feel good.

        His passive agressive behavior will ultimatly destroy your marriage..so if he has these unresolved feelibgs he had better go sort them out! make it clear to him that marriage is built on communication and trust..both lacking right now. Tell him this is serious, you see the marriage breaking down and you want to repair the damage..but he has to want this too.

        do not leave this un- discussed

        Tammy

    • shang

      We’ve been together for 7 years now and already have 4 -year old kid. I recently  found out that he is flirting with his co-worker.  They texted and called each other regularly. The girl he is flirting with is separated but has 2 kids. It hurt me so bad. The pain is too much to bear. He is my only and first boyfriend I ever have. I don’t know how to handle the situation. My confidence has lost and suffer self pity. My boyfriend assured me that nothing happened to them and it is just purely a game and flirting but there no physical involve yet. They have been doing this for 2 months. But why I could not believe him? He promise that it won’t happen again. But why is it too hard to forgive and believe? Why I am still in pain and cannot move on?  Is it better for me to give him a second chance or let him totally out of my life?

      • Tammy62

        Dear S
        you have invested 7 years of your life..and have a child to consider..NO it is not something to end your relationship over. YES you need some help, support and to understand.
        You also need to boost your own self esteem and confidence. TELL your boyfriend that you feel betrayed, you need to understand why and you need regular reassurance that this won’t happen again.

        You two need to get some flirting of your own back into your relationship…after 7 years you probably both ake each for granted. The pain will ease, but only if you focus on moving forwards…try not to look back.

        spend some good time with your guy, maybe someone can babysit? get back the connection you two had and the flirting with others will stop.

        let me know how it goes?
        tammy

    • jm

      I have been married for 6 years and we have been together for almost 7..we have 1 son,I love,respect,and trust him so much. For me he is my soul mate,and my night and shining armor. We love each other so much and friends use to call us the “sweet couple” because the way we are. Never once thought in my life that this man will hurt me this much! It all happens when he has to be away from us for 2 years because he has too,and also he is in the military. Everything is falling apart after 10 months he was there..i visit him a lot but I still dont know why he has to cheat!  He told one of his friend that he has fallen out of love from me But then he acts and pretend that he loves me so much!  when we fight so much about something his blaing me for He wanted to abandon us and wants to divorce me  At first He blame me for something I didnt do just to cover up his mistake. He spend our savings, dont have much time to talk to us,I feel so hopeless! But when I found out that he cheated on me,he wants my forgiveness,He wants me back. and I also have a proof that he really did cheat! I did,gave him another chance..but everything between us is completely different! He’s cold! I dont know what to do,I love him but I love myself and my family too! I file for the divorce and see whats going to happen when he comes back for 1 month being away from us again! I dont want to loose him,but I guess everything has an ending..he dont deserve me,and my love!

      • Tammy62

        Dear jm
        I rther think that your husband is staying with you out of some distorted feeling of guilt, and you are right to feel that he has stopped loving you.

        Time apart my clarify matters, but my feling is that you should prepare yourself for divorce..I do not think he wants to be with you anymore, which is a terrible shame,, espeially for your son.

        Try to be fair, don’t keep him from your child. If you can maintain a calm and fait attitude, he may realise what he is truly losing and the marriage could be saved.

        I wish you luck, let me know how it goes?

        Tammy

        • JM

          I will found out what should i do tomorrow after I talk o the lawyer,I wanted to give hi another chance,but it feels like his not trying his best to work things out,on our anniversarry..all he did is sent me a meesage saying Happy Anniversarry and then after 4 days was my bday..he just greet me and he said “atleast I made an effort! Woooo! For me when u say effort is something u do like “Calling and be the first person to greet you! But its just make me feel more depress on how he is! He dont talk to us or atleast wanting to see us by YM. He sent message right before he sleep and then after that nothing else..I dont know how to make hi realize what he has been doing is wrong and make everything worst! It makes me feel like he never wants me back in his life and Your right..i have a feeling that he just wants to be with me just because of the guilt he have done..Its really sad!

          • Tammy62

            Good Luck tomorrow!

    • leya

      we were in relataionship  for 3 years, we are married , 9 month age, we have baby boy now he is cheating with heis baby mother , way do men cheat?

    • whattodo

      Tammy, 
      I have been dating my boyfriend for about 2 and a half years. People always say how we are such a good couple. We have never broken up and really can’t say there has been any kind of over the top fight. He will even talk about how good we are together. We were so happy. We talked about the future, he sometimes will tell me that I’m the best thing thats ever happened to him. I could never describe how perfect our relationship felt. I was at a friends and got on his facebook.. which I never do even though I have had the password all this time. But i did, and i saw messages with a girl that he works with. He started working there sometime in June.and the messages were the middle of november. She said hey to him on a comment and then Hey was like hey whats up and then they took it to message. I guess they had been flirting at work. There was two different days of messaging on there. some things said were just What music do you like, whats your favorite color. stupid shit that still made me mad because Why was he trying to get to know her in the first place. But I also read things like I thought of you today. and I’m kind of crushing on you. and herr.. well she just sounded like she needs to be slapped. She said this or text we need to choose one. She asked him do you not like your girl anymore and he said i do like my girl but its just getting complicated. That hurt because i thought whoa like.. what happened to being in love. The messages stopped after those two days it was the 21st and 22nd. He came to my house for thanksgiving too :( . anyways after that stopped it was early middish december and he said hey can you text me and she said sure. That was the end of it. Now im left wondering what they were texting about.. how often. How did it end.everything. so i find out like january 28th while i was at my friends. I called him and said i was coming and i told him. He appologized, I know that he was sorry I could tell that he was geniune. hes said its all his fault. he said he wasnt thinking and he had no idea what he was thinking. but I really wanted to know why. I know that around that time things were different feeling in our relationship. Like we had forgot to try. We were “happy” we got a long but i can even say it was like we  stoppped communicating. He told me he could feel himself changing. and everytime i asked he would say he rteally didnt know what he was feeling. but i was persistant.. i told him that i really needed to know that for me to get over it. I know that he didnt know what he was thinking to do that.. but i know that that he had to feel some kind of emotion that was from something in our relationship for him to do it. He told me that he was feeling distant. and i knew that that was true. The weird thing is that things seemed to get better before i found this out. I think that he stopped it because he knew he was being stupid. When i saw it and told him I jsut said that he ruined everything. I said it couldnt be the same, I was so upset. He told me he was so scared he was going to lose me that night. I should have i suppose.. but i didnt feel it. Maybe its that i have been with him since it happened and stopped. maybe if i had found out when it was going on i would have actualy left? not sure. Anyways.. he has tried to make it better he has taken full blame and told me that its not my fault at all.. i feel like it is somewhat of my fault.. but at the same time i wasnt feeling myself and it didnt lead me to go talk to some other guy. He didnt hook up with her or anything. the only time they hung out was once at a bar that everyone he works with sometimes goes to .. its right by his work. He really is trying to be reasurring that he is in love with me. hes trying to make all these little date ideas with me. and i know that he doesnt want to lose me.. but at the same time i am scared. because will things become ok? I had so much trust in him and i want to trust him again.. I still have a little bit but only if im feeling like everything will be ok. Am i being stupid to stay with him..

      • Tammy62

        Dear what to do

        you do not say how old you two are, nor how many partners you have had before each other? my feeling is that for both of you this could be the big serious relationship and you both hit a rough patch…this happens as you move from dating to semi serious to OMG this could be THE relationship.

        He wobbled, he lost a bit of confidence in the relationship and you were both a bit unsure…this is part of life! he has not been sexual with her..he clearly broke it off when it got too close for comfort and my feeling is that he sort of made a decision that he wanted to move forward with you.

        Then you found out..and the doubts he was keeping to himself are now surfacing and have to be shared..he has got past them but your discovery has woken it all up!

        NO you are not being stupid to stay with him, unless you don’t love him? Do you feel like maybe he IS the one? If so, then don’t throw this away over a wobble..keep talking, find out his dreams and views of the future, see if you two can figure this out together.

        You will be stronger for it!

        Tammy

    • please

      Dear Tammy .

      where do i start i miss my boyfriend so much. He doesnt love me anymore. we
      been together for 12 years now , we have kids that i love so much.
      everything started about 2 years agor he didnt show me love in the way i
      needed from him , he didnt have time always working on the house not
      know i was alive. and it just seam like its been this life with a old
      man

      I found myself wanting sex with someone other then my man and it
      happened i had sex just this one time and now hes wante me to leave him with the kids. its killing me. please i need help what do i to show him i love him and make him under stand that i was not thinking at the time.

      • Tammy62

        Dear Please…

        ok, you weren’t thinking at the time..well actually you were, you were thinking you wanted attention, you wanted to feel appreciated..you wanted the illusion of love..and you risked a long term relationship and your family for that.

        No softly softly on this one..you have made a huge mistake, you were selfish and thoughtless…and although your “old man” did not seem all that desirable then, now he wants to leave you relaise what you have lost.

        Step 1 – no BLAMING…he may not have shown you love the way you needed it..did you talk to him about it? Did you try and work on the house with him, go on dates, flirt with him..??? NOW you have to FIGHT for him.

        Don’t for one second let him take the kids from you..that is non negotiable, you are their mother, they need you.
        Keep telling him you love him, but understand why he is so mad at you…
        Suggest counseling…after all does he not believe it is better you two stay together?

        He is angry right now..or maybe just maybe..he was falling out of love with you before and now you have given him the excuse to end it.

        Either way, keep the lines of communication open..never say never..and DO NOT LIE TO HIM…you have to be honest..you have to let him know how you felt, but without blaming..

        example…don’t say..”you ignored me..” instead
        say, “I envied you all the time you spent on the house..I was jealous of it..I wanted more of you and your love..”

        You cannot blame him, he did not cheat..he may have neglected you but it could well have been a symptom of the rut long term relationships get into..and he may not have realized…

        I wish you luck, it will not be easy but if you love this man and your children you won’t give up without a fight!

        Tammy

        • please

          Hi Tammy
          Yes i know i needed to feel attention from him and to be appreciated , but these are all the things he has been telling me, he needed and he doesnt beleave me when i tell him i do appreciate him so much .
           I never asked him;if we should go out . I always felt he should be the one. Their hasnt been one night that i layed down beside him and not wanted to make love to him , but so many time their was this cold feeling coming from him, You know when someone never ;says goodnite or give you a kiss first . it was always me that started sex with him not the other way around it was me that always kiss first goodnite and hello as well. I felt like he really deep down didnt love me.
          And as for flirting with him yes i did tuch him all over , caress him all over before sex and after sex i just loved to run my fingers over his body til i fell asleep. he didnt do these thing to me , when i need to feel him this way loving me body and soul.
          He is the one with the house i have nothing he told me to leave to give him time out from it all . I miss my kids so much, i have to drive by the house on my way back from work and i just fall apart . he wont let me back in and he wont say when i can come back . I did lie to him first about what happned .I just knew i would never do it again so i didnt want him to know !
          But i havent been lieing to him at all about what happend. He´s not showing or tell me that we should be together. I wish you could tell him we should be together so he could hear it from someone other then me. I know he hasnt told anybody about this,

          I need him and the kids in my life im lost without them

          • Tammy62

            Dear please
            first things first..your infidelity does NOt allow him to keep you from your kids!
            Right now I am more concerned that he is shutting you out form them than him…and the lonegr you leave it without fighting for them the more likely you are to lose all custody in the long run.

            For goodness sake, he is emotionally abusing you by keeping you from your children, maybe he wants to punish you, maybe he has stopped loving you..frankly that is neither here nor there..you MUST FIGHT FOR THE RIGHT TO SEE YOUR CHILDREN!

            The rest, wheher you two will get back together or not plaes into insignificance beside the fact that your kids are losing their mother!

            STOP fretting over him…this level of cruelty does not bode well and frankly i am appalled at his behavior!
            GET A LAWYER…do not destroy your future with your children for a mistake in your past their father won’t forgive you for!

            Seriously….take this seriously…you will never forgive yourself if you lose your kids..and don’t accept excuses like he cannot bear to see you…he cannot keep your kids from you..focus on this FIRST, and NOW!

            Tammy

    • Lashaun81

      I have been living with my boyfriend on and off for the past 1 years. This past 1.5 yrs we moved back home and he has been taking care of his sick mother. He proposed to me august and by october i knew something wasnt right. i took the ring off and asked him to talk to me. i stopped planning the wedding and everything for our future together. on dec 30 i found out he had been sleeping with a girl 14 yrs younger than him who lived in the neighborhood. while he proposed to me she was pregnant. a month after the proposal he paid for the abortion. he had plans to bring in the new year with her and not with me. she says shes pregnant again but he says this time it isnt his. He says shes nothing to him. He says she was just a release and an escape from all the pressure of taking care of his mother and maintaining our relationship. i understand i havent been easy to adjust to this living situation because i have had him all to myself for the past 7 years when we moved away together and traveled the country. but where do i begin to move forward im at a cross roads alone without my best friend or together as we face these issues. He wants to do what’s right. He’s giving me his all right now. my fear in moving forward is that i will just be his main chick and i will always have to worry about what he is doing with the others. Mind you he did not use protection everytime he had sex with this girl both vaginally and anally. This is something that scares me because I don’t want to put my health in danger. But i love him so much and he is my best friend. He was the only person I could really open up to after this happened with everyone else i just put on a smile or a blank stare. I knew they didnt care to hear my complaints after all the far worst things have been through in their own relationships. (trust me that is all i heard…oh that’s nothing at least he didn’t do this or that) anyway I want to make this work because i know he really loves me as much as I love him but what is going to happen when the love fades again. He’s not a talker he just stuffs his feelings and it becomes tiresome to have to constantly wonder if something you did or said upset him. I am not the sweetest person in the world I do have a pretty bad temper but I have improved over the years. I’m just going on and on now lol. Any insight is greatly appreciated.

      • Lashaun81

        im sorry that should say 11 years……lol

      • Tammy62

        Dear L

        this is not a good relationship and frankly it seems pretty self destructive! He has cheated several time, has put your health at risk and you do all the work in the relationship. His mother’s situation is not a valid excuse..you two should be working together on this.

        Get to a therapist..emotionally you are a mess and need help to sort this out. It is much too complicated to handle alone..and my feeling is you would be better off out of this relationship.

        Tammy

    • Overseamp

      I was in a relationship for 6 yrs, engaged for 2 and I found out my ex fiance has been cheating on me with his ex he was with before me. I spoke to her and she said they have been in each others life for 13 yrs, almost had a child together before me. She said they have been friends with benefits our entire relationship! He only admits to cheating on me before we got engaged, and has finally stopped talking to her. Can a man really change, should I forgive him?

      • Tammy62

        Dear O

        well, he has truly enjoyed having his cake and eating it hasn’t he? She too has enjoyed this relationship with benefits!

        I would avoid marriage right now..and take your time with deciding whether a man who cheats on you for 4 years is truly your love of a lifetime!

        I’m assuming he no longer talks to her because you found out?

        Can a man change? yes, and no…I would be interested to know whether he cheated on her during their original relationship?

        i would take this one step at a time..full disclosure is important, and was she the only one? he needs to tell the truth right now or this relationship is doomed.

        Are you planning to have children? because I would advise holding off on that for now..whether you forgive him or not is up to you..but try to retain some caution until you see signs he is no longer interested in anyone else..

        You really need to get to the bottom of WHY he did this..habit, because he could? because he still loves her? Difficult questions but you have to ask them.

        Let me know how it goes? Check out my book 21 reasons why men cheat to see if you can determine his reasons!

        Tammy

    • Overseamp

      I was in a relationship for 6 yrs, engaged for 2 and I found out my ex fiance has been cheating on me with his ex he was with before me. I spoke to her and she said they have been in each others life for 13 yrs, almost had a child together before me. She said they have been friends with benefits our entire relationship! He only admits to cheating on me before we got engaged, and has finally stopped talking to her. Can a man really change, should I forgive him?

    • Beccahosierr

      Not sure if it is too late for this… but here it goes… so me and my fiance have been together for just over a year. Everything was perfect until 5 or so months ago. He used to always want to cuddle, sex, always held my hand, talked about me all the time, never talked to other women, and used to be open with me and liked to talk. Well things have changed for the worst.

      Now he stays late at work, texts women all the time, never wants sex( I pretty much have to beg) he will not cuddle with me willingly, I tell him we need to start talking more and all he says is ” there is nothing to talk about” and walks off, he doesn’t say “we” anymore, instead he says that HE needs to go do something and will not invite me unless I say something about it, when he is texting another woman, he deletes it immediately so I don’t see it, and when I ask him why, he says he accidentally deleted the message.

      Also, I told him that we need to work on things, and all he said was OK and still did nothing to help. So I wrote down the things we need to work on and put it on the computer desk, I told him I am only giving him two months to try and fix things before I call off the wedding and end the relationship. Then I told him that I am beginning to get very unhappy and he said he promised to try and fix things. Well it has been a week and so far he hasn’t done anything. I am the only one trying to hold this relationship together. I am getting very depressed. I do not know what to do. I really love this man. Help :(

      • Tammy62

        Dear Becca

        it is no good you loving him if he will not love you back…darling he is saying he wants OUT! He is getting cold feet over the marriage but does not have the balls to say so..he is trying to drive you away so that you will call off the marriage.

        WALK AWAY…do not flog yourself to death trying to get this man to love you..walk away, start a new life..maybe, just maybe when he realises what he has lost he will find the courage and the love again…or not…

        DO NOT BEG someone to love you..let him go, save your self..you will recover..but not by being needy..you need to rebuild a life without him.

        I am sorry but I think you knew the answer already…

        Thinking of you
        Tammy

      • naomi82

        Beccahosierr, 
        Your situation sounds EXACTLY like mine.  You sound exactly like me.  And your guy sounds exactly like my guy.  I’ve been with my guy for 5 years.  For the first half a year to a year, he was perfect, SO into me.  And nearing the end of the first year he started to change.      He never wanted to talk about it.  He said I wasn’t doing anything wrong.  But he would still treat me like crap.  He promised to change, but rarely took any action.  I even would leave notes by his computer because he wouldn’t let me talk to him about it and I wanted him to know how I feel.  He’s addicted to the internet, so I knew that would be the best place to leave a note.  But these notes only seemed to make him mad.  I would also practically get down to begging him for sex and still be turned down a lot because he doesn’t feel well or is tired.  Tired from what?  I don’t know.  He barely works.  I work 70 hours a week, and still ready for a romp before bed or in the morning before work.  Anyway, as much as I loved him, I would try to break it off because I just didn’t see a light at the end of the tunnel.  I was lonely and bored with him.  But when he saw me slipping away, he would suddenly give me everything I wanted from a him all along.  I felt loved again and it was exciting again.  But it never lasts.  He always reverts back to his old ways.  
        I wasn’t looking for it.  It wasn’t my idea.  And I said “no” the first time the opportunity arose.  I let the idea saturate in my head for a while, and couldn’t resist the next time the opportunity came.  What am I talking about?  Well, 2 years of being ignored and a lame sex life had lead me into the arms of his SUPER SEXY friend.  I enjoyed a secret sex life with this guy for quite some time.  It was so exciting.  This guy was so passionate.  He was everything I wanted in a lover.  And I would have left my guy in a heartbeat for him.  Trouble is, this guy has a girl who lives out of the country, which he only sees for about a month out of the year.  He loves her and ultimately wants to be with her.  But in the meantime, we were jut there for each other to get out our sexual frustrations.  He was the only person I’ve ever cheated with.  I am against cheating.  Never thought I could do it.  But eventually my human desires got the best of me.  I just wanted to feel sexy and wanted sexually again.  I haven’t been with this guy in about a year.  I always felt guilty.  I have tried to pull away to work on things with my guy.  Though he did contact me a couple months ago.  It didn’t go further than a few texts to see how each other is doing.  My boyfriend never found out about any of this.  
        Back to my boyfriend… Turns out not soon after I cheated on him, he heated on me with a girl he met at a bar.  A friend of ours ratted him out.  I was heartbroken and felt betrayed.  I never expected this out of him because of his lack of sexual desire.  He always said he had a low sex drive and deprived me of sex.  So I felt like, how could he not have sex with me, the girl he loves, but he could be with a complete stranger?  I never suspected he would cheat.  In retrospect, I think he was feeling bad for how he was with me and it was easier to give it to a stranger that he will never have to see again.  Long story short, I forgave him.
        During our 3rd and 4th year, I grew suspicious of him.  I found out that he was talking to a lot of women online.  He called it networking (for his band).  But the things he was saying to them were out of line to me.  He said it was okay to flirt because it’s not like he was fucking them.  I have no control over him.  But I still didn’t like it.   
        Going into our 5th year together, that brings me to where I am today.  We bought a house.  Things were rocky in the beginning because he can never hold a job and I was paying all the bills.  And beyond that, he will rarely work on the house, even though he’s home most of the time.  I work 70+ hours and still come home and paint walls, do drywall, tear out carpet, etc.  We would argue.  I started to give up and stop trying to get him to help because it was only frustrating me.  We got along a little better and I thought things were going decently.  Then, another one of his friends ratted him out and told me that my guy had been cheating on me with 2 different women around the time that we were moving into the house.  This all came to light last month.  And he said it was because we were arguing at the time.  I’m currently trying to work through this.  But it’s hard because he doesn’t feel guilty.  He acts like if we aren’t getting along, that he is entitled to cheat because “it’s only sex.”  Yeah, maybe it’s only sex.  But I don’t get it nearly enough.  I never turn him down.  He has no good reason to look elsewhere.  I’m always ready to go. .  And sometimes we go a month or longer without sex.  It’s hard to want someone so bad, and lay in bed the them every night, and get swatted away when you try to touch them.  It’s SO frustrating.  I daydream about my lover from before.  But I don’t want to cheat on my boyfriend.  And I can’t stand the thought of him cheating on me.  He swears he loves me and doesn’t want anyone else.  I don’t know where to go from here or what to make of it all.  I guess what I was getting at is that if your guy is that bad within the first year, you are in for a rocky relationship.  Mine has been nothing but rocky.  I’ve left a lot of things out of my story.  They don’t get better, only temporarily better.  I’m about to turn 30 next month.  And I feel like I’ve wasted 5 years on this dead end relationship.  I love him and I don’t know why.  I know I deserve so much better.  I guess I just hate to start over.  And the longer I stay with him, the harder it gets to break it off.  I could throw him out at any time.  It’s my house.  I bought it.  I wish he was more appreciative on everything I do for him.  I’ve made his life very easy.  And I don’t ask for a lot from him.  I’m actually a very laid back girl.  I just want to get laid more and have a boyfriend who doesn’t cheat.  My eyes would never wander then either.  It would be nice if he could hold a job too.               

        • Tammy62

          Dear Naomi

          you say it yourself, the first 12 months can define a relationship. yours has been defined by a lousy man who takes what he wants, rejects you to control you and swans around the place being a “rock star” while you slave away building a home.

          WAKE UP AND SMELL THE ROSES! he only wants you for what you provide.THIS IS NOT LOVE.

          please naomi, see a lawyer and a therapist.
          Step 1 – recover your self esteem
          Step 2 – THROW HIM OUT and start afresh

          Tammy

    • Csleeandco

      I have been married 23 years, and my husband just told me that he wants a divorce and that he has had an affair. I found out that there were multiple affairs. I know I have to let him go, but it is just so very hard. It hurts my heart to see him, he is not talking with me and everything that happened is my fault.

      • Thebestberry

        It’s not all your fault. I wish you the best and hope time quickly heals your pain.

      • Anonymous

        NO C it is not your fault..it is his choice..and you need to think of yourself right now. you need to be sure that he is civilized about financial arrangements and you need to get yourself a lawyer who can handle the difficult stuff for you.

        Take care, and stay strong..you MUST think of your own future right now.
        Tammy

    • Beulith

      i have been married almost 20 years,  my husband and i lost our business and both of us are havving new jobs,  though he is enjoying his job and all his colleuges,  i am havving a hard timeat my job.  I have been seeing and hearing him making jokes with the women,  i now call him mr popular,  i am constantly catching him smiling at other women,  especially behind my back while they are assisting me,  we are on the verge of sequestration now,  what can the reason of my husbands behaviour be? When i confront him he says he is just friendly.  I am still taking great care of myself and many people cant believe how old i am,  people at his work says that i am beautifull, and how did someone like him got a wife like me,  but his reply was not thank u,  she is beautifull,  but instead,  am i not handsome enough??

      • Anonymous

        Dear B
        OK so your self esteem has taken a hammering..and you don’t like your new job. Worse, your husband seems to be having a good time..how dare he???

        Get over this, it is petty of you..stop complaining..change your own job, be glad your husband is happy..stop blaming him for your misery…and if you honestly think he is on the verge of an affair then it is your own lack of confidence you need to address..and talk to him about how sad you feel, how insecure..ask him for support, don’t complain about his happiness.

        You look good, he makes a joke about not being handsome enough and you take it as an insult to you! For goodness sake, recognize that this is not about your husband..it is about how bad you feel about losing your business (do you blame him for this?) and how much you hate your new situation.

        If you do not address these issues, yes he will have an affair..you will drive him straight into these women’s arms..

        Sort yourself out B..remember how powerful you used to be..get back to that strength!

        Tammy

    • Ass

      This is bull.
      “why do men cheat”?
      This is what is wrong with women, they base all emotions and logic on men as if every man is the same person.
      “why do women cheat”?
      Money…..
      I’ll base my facts on women on what I’ve witnessed then

      • Anonymous

        OUCH!

        Why do men cheat is only one aspect…there are many, as you will see if you read the various comments..no, I do not base my comments on all men being the same, people are different..but there are some common infidelity triggers..

        Why are you so angry?

        Tammy

    • Panamamo76

      Why do men and women have equipment that’s one size fits all and they be limited to only one partner???  There are more moral and emotional issues than natural issues here that controls how sexual relationships maybe allowed…

    • Amberluvsjason08

      If I have been with a man for 3 years and I feel as if he treats me like dirt.. he cheats on me using Facebook where he talks to any girl he can about sex and I have seen messages before were he asked for girls to come over to his house but yet he says he hasn’t had sex with anyone else. He also says he is addicted to talking to other girls. It makes me feel horrible about my self like I’m ugly and not good enough. Any advice??

      • Anonymous

        Dear Amber

        simple advice..LEAVE HIM…no man is worth being made to feel ugly and not good enough..this is not a worthwhile relationship. Go and find someone who treats you like a decent human being should, with RESPECT.

        Tammy

      • David

        He is not worth your time?

    • Inclina

      Hi.
      Umm, this is really awkward for me coz I rarely talk about my love life but anyway, here it goes.

      So, on New Year’s of 2011 I met this guy at a party, and even though I tried to rebuff him and was almost rude (and didn’t want him), he was quite persistent. The next day, I had a party at a friend’s house, and his parents and sister (who are friends of my friend’s parents) were there. His sister introduced herself (shocking me twice over), and about a month or 2 later, I learned that he had told his parents about me. I ended up falling for him, hard (and tried not to show him). We weren’t technically in a relationship, but he told his sister (who told her friend, who is also my friend and told me), that he liked me a lot and was very attracted to me, and this thing happened about 3 times I think. 

      When my exams arrived, obviously I couldn’t go out for 2 weeks in a row, and my friend saw him in a club with another girl. I tried to hint to him that I knew what he had done by saying “If I’m annoying you, please tell me and I’ll stop, because I hate annoying a person.” He denied that I was annoying him 3 times in a row, saying I had a nice character and that we were friends (I was soo hurt). He did guess what I was hinting towards, but said that my friend saw him ‘with a friend of his’. Naturally the contact between us decreased, until one day I went to a club with his sister. He was there and he kissed me and all, and seemed quite ‘normal’ (although I suspect that his sister had told him to come), and later he excused himself and said he wanted to meet a friend of his whom he hadn’t seen in ages. I knew that he was meeting another girl, but by that time it didn’t really matter, because t was nearly over. The next day, I found that he met a girl (who should I say looks a lot like me, and is now his current girlfriend), and in 2 months time they were in a relationship (by which time we stopped talking).

      I tried to forget him, and it was so hard. And I also thought that I managed to do it, until Autumn began and everything went back to square one.

      But in the beginning of October (after a whole summer without talking to him), I went for a stroll with the same friend (whom I hadn’t talked to for quite a long time). She asked why we weren’t seeing each other anymore (this guy and I), which was pretty ridiculous seeing as she was the one that told me what had happened, and who he was with now (again, I knew this). She also said ‘That guy really really wanted you.’ (To which I didn’t reply, because I didn’t want any biting comment to get back to him). His sister also sent her regards with this friend (I hadn’t spoke to her for quite a long time; our only contact was the occasional comment on facebook, but not even a chat or anything), which I saw strange. 

      I saw him about 2 times in a row, just passing the street (and when he saw me, he literally glued his eyes on me). When I was at another party, he smiled at my friend (a different one that the one I mentioned above), who he had come to know when we were meeting each other and knew that this friend and I are practically joined at the hip. About a week later he updated his status on facebook and said ‘You appreciate what you lost only after you have lost it’ (it might not be relevant to what I’m talking about, but I mentioned it just in case). Last Sunday, I was walking back home from the Sunday market (where I live, it’s quite a big deal, this market) and his sister waved at me. She was sitting in her brother’s car (who was behind the wheel), and someone was in the backseat, (I’m suspecting his current girlfriend, since this happened just round the corner of her street). And also there was a car show for charity that they went to. And I posted a comment on one of his sister’s photos, from this show. He also put a comment on this photo, and from what I could see he only commented on this photo.

      Am I reading too much into this? Or is there something fishy going on?

      • Anonymous

        Dear I
        this could be wishful thinking on your part or this guy really fancies you! However, he has a girlfriend, so i think you need a lot more clarity on the situation!

        hey it is the 21st century..get bold, what have you got to lose? Ask his sister directly..does her brother want to date you?

        In the meantime..play it cool..he has to pluck up the courage to approach you directly..and if he does, make it clear that you are not the mistress type..i he wants to date, he loses the girlfriend!

        Stop fantasising and wondering..if you like him and think this could be real..go find out..the worst that could happen is that he says he is happy with his current girlfriend and to get lost! at least then you can spend your energy on another guy you could meet..
        Tammy

        • Inclina

          Thanks a lot! At least now the situation is a bit clearer :) .

    • Megjohnson11

      I don’t know what to do about my relationship anymore. I have been with my current boyfriend for three years now and to everyone else we look like the perfect couple but this past year has really taken its toll on our relationship. This summer he messaged a girl his best friend that he tried to date before and said I love you, I miss you and I wish you were in my bed with me. When I went to confront him about this message he tried to lie and say he had no idea what I was talking about. I ended up forgiving him for that but never letting him forget it. He is my first really boyfriend so I think I mite be too comfortable in this relationship to get the courage to end it.

      Now I recently found out that he is still talking to other girls on facebook asking for their number or giving out his. I don’t want to believe he would cheat on me because he says he loves, gets me anything I want, and has brought me a promise ring so there is a commiment there.

      He blames our relationship problems on me for not being sexual enough. But no matter how I do to fix the problem especially after the facebook issue over the summer he continues to message other girls. Girls that he never even talked about or was friends with. He won’t let me see his phone which mkes me feel like he is hiding things from me on there. The other night he said he got a status update from his friend but when I checked his friend never updated his status!

      I need advice as to whether dump him or not.

      • Anonymous

        Dear M
        he lies, he tells you it is your fault, he makes you feel insecure…you are putting up with this through fear, fear of losing what???
        You would lose a liar and a cheat..sounds like a good idea to me!

        Tell him you will not be lied to, manipulated or criticized anymore.

        Tell him you are happy to save the money you would spend on his Christmas present and buy a new dress in which to attract a decent man who treats you with respect. I do not see anything comfortable about this relationship….

        It is painful and unpleasant..

        GET OUT..and find someone who deserves your love. YES, DUMP HIM

        Tammy

        • Georgetreichel

          If this how you are with people then you dont know about forgiving people at all … every love life must have some thing that can be saved … im not saying its this one but i think your to hard ..

          • Anonymous

            Dear G
            I have forgiven many people many things in my life…and would normall err on the side of try try try again..but there are certain situations whereby the destruction has already been done!

            Repeat offenders in the cheating game..when they reach their thrid and fourth time of cheating are unlikely to reform for that relationship…
            When the woman is being denigrated by the man..treated as if dirt and cruelty forms part of the relationship…when a woman is manipulative and cruel to her husband and dismisses his pain..then I think the relationship is unhealthy and wold advise walking away.

            No, not every love life has something to be saved..not to the extent that you have to stay..sometimes the best thing that can be saved is one’s own self respect and sanity.

            Walking away is not harsh..it is sometimes the only safe reality!

            Tammy
            PS – you clearly have a generous soul..do not let it be trampled upon!

            • Georgetreichel

              Well i know what your say . I was at a sad place in my life cause i cheated on my love of my life and dont know why i did it … and just wanted to keep lieing and make it go away so she would not leave me … i love her ….

              im leaveing to give her time to heal cause its what she wants … i dont wanna go but i have to cause i love her . she in pain and i as well .. i never want to to be in this pain ever again …

              • Tor_ture

                Dear George 
                I hope & pray that what u saying its true I’m very happy to heard that…but u make sure that u will never ever repeat the same mistake again and again… I been forgiving wife… my husband cheat & betrayed me so many times i forgive him so many times… bec.  i thought he can changes but i was wrong all along oopps he did it again this time he much more worst.. so my marriage is in really, really deep trouble now i really regret that i gave him more chance to cheat & betrayed me more… so pls. Mr.G. learn from your lesson never ever do the same mistake again if your love one gave u a second chance DON’T BLOW IT!!! God bless!

                • George

                  If i get a chance to be with her i will never ever cheat or do anything that would put pain in us again ! And thank you for for shearing with me , and im sorry for your pain … i have hurt and been hurt in this world and growing from it has been hard … Now just want to feel good cause feeling this way ; missing my life with the kids and her  .Im mad at myself for what i did .. this is all my fault ! 

      • Tor_ture

        sorry to say ur BF is a damn LIER!!!!! & HE IS A TRAITOR!!!!

    • Susie1201

      Tammy, I took your advise and my sons are so upset with their Dad. They want to take me away right now. They all said they would add money every month for me to survive and one has a small house he wants to fix up for me. I said yes. I will go with one son for now and they are all going to redo the house and make it new for me. I can’t believe all that they are doing for me. My #3 son bought me a new car. I am so grateful to them. They have warned their Dad he better get help or they are going to force him to. He is very angry with me that I have told so much on him but I don’t care. I told him I might tell more if he does’nt get help right away. But I am FREE. I feel so uplifted and hopeful now. A GREAT BIG THANK YOU FOR CARING FOR AN OLD LADY.. 

      • Anonymous

        Dear Susie
        I am so glad!! I know it must have been so hard for you to tell your sons, but clearly they are wonderful children!
        So often the shame and pain of what happens to us seems to paralyze us and we are so scared to ask for help from those who love us..and yet they are shocked that we feel we cannot tell them as they so want to help.

        Enjoy your freedom from misery, enjoy your family, take care of yourself. It is uplifting for me to know that in some small way I could help you.

        Thinking of you

        Tammy
        PS – don’t think of yourself as an old lady, think of yourself as a new woman!

      • Kathycarter4

        Beautiful! So happy for you! It’s NEVER too late to start over. Your sons are there for you just as they should be . Thankful to be free :)

    • Susie1201

      Tammy,  Thank you for your words. I have been checked for everything and I have told my Drs. They are concerned but are worried for me to be alone as I am having trouble with my kidney transplant and it is not safe right now to be alone. It is abuse and he doesnt seem to grasp it. He is a sociopath I feel. He has always not cared about our sons, can you believe that?? Most men would br thrilled to have 7 sons. They mean nothing to him and they dont especially like him. They are kind to him always but guarded. I am really crazy from this. The Drs. said it is a miracle that he hasnt been caught, shot, or has a terrible diseas or diseases. It’s always about him, him, him. Thank you again    SH

      • Anonymous

        Dear Susie
        I understand that your doctors do not want you to be alone..but that does not ean you have to be with your husband!
        Please, call your sons, ask for help, find out where you stand with a lawyer, because my personal opinion would be, get him OUT of the house and somebody kind and loving IN to look after you!

        do you have any savings or health insurance? can you get a nurse on to check on you if he were not there? Frankly, i don’t think you are safe with this man and he would care less if you needed help.

        Please talk to your sons, I cannot believe they would want you to suffer this way.

        let me know how it goes?
        Tammy

    • Susie1201

      My husband and I are 68 and 71. He has been cheating since 1 week after marraige, I knew a little of it but 3yrs ago after a liver and kidney transplant he decided to tell me unbelievable things he has don over 52 yrs of marraige, Pon, prostitutes, burlesque, filthy adult bookstores and peep shows there, a few men, teenage girls are his specialty, my best friend, he plotted to run off with her and dump me and our 7 sons. He has exposed himself in very risky places, it is unbelievable all that he has done and I never had a clue except for the 1 time I knew about and I truly forgave him 52yrs ago. I feel he is a twisted pervert. How can you do all of these sick things for your whole life and not get found out or caught. He said to me to get over it, I’m not the only one it has happened to and I’m making a mountain out of a mole hill!!!! His attitude is as unbelievable as what he has done. I am old now and have had the transplants and dont feel good at all and he dumps this on me. Do I need to leave or what? He believes in God but he never keeps his word and acts like he’s ok and all of his victims are wrong. I think he is a real sociopath. He said he hates me and wants to get away from me forever and I’ve done nothing, he has done it all. I am deeply upset and don’t understand any of this. I would at least feel remorse for hurting so many people but he doesnt. Says he does but his actions and attitude say he has no remorse. I have no money or really anywhere to go. I have been with him since I was 15 and have never lived alone. I have been 100% a good, faithful wife, I wonder  how how this all happened? He claims it all started in childhood  from window peeking and his cruel father and family life. We all have stories of hurts but don’t do these sick things. Can anyone help, has anyone out there had a situation like this? I hope not but if you have please tell me what you did to survive it sanely. Thank you        SH

      • Anonymous

        Dear Susie
        you say that he told you this 3 years ago, and from what you are saying he is NOW becoming more and more unpleasant?

        Yes, I do actually think you should leave but totally understand why it will be very difficult to do so.

        Firstly, to survive this sanely..you need help! yes, it is going to be hard telling this to someone else, but you have to as in effect this behavior is ABUSE..and you need support.
        Speak to your doctor, ask to be referred to a counselor..and also am a little concerned that his behavior being so risky may have put your health at risk. I would have expected your doctor to tell you if there were any signs of disease as you have had transplant surgery…but ask them to check.

        Your husband should also have a check up, his erratic and cruel behavior may have some disease origin …he does not sound as if he is entirely ok mentally or emotionally.

        Your 7 sons must have known something about their father’s behavior..is there one of them at least you feel you can trust to talk to?

        How about your minister/pastor, can you talk to them?

        See a doctor, find someone to talk to, find a lawyer to check your rights. do not stay with this cruel bully simply because you don’t know how to live alone..LEARN to..you will qualify fr support because of your health..ASK FOR HELP…

        Let me know how it goes?

        Tammy

        PS my great aunt divorced her husband when she was 72, lived alone for 2 years and now is remarried and very very happy…life can change for the better at any age.

      • Elisabeth B.

        Dear Susie,
        I am replying to this a little late (your post was 4 months ago), but I am in a similar situation with my husband, and I am 20 years younger than you (48).  He revealed that he has been acting out sexually for the past 4 years but only JUST revealed it to me in January of this year.  I have been absolutely beside myself for the past 3 months, cannot stop crying, so depressed all the time.  I go to therapy, talk to friends, and try to find comfort in spiritual practices. 

        You may also want to find support group meetings of S-Anon (for partners of sexaholics/sex addicts), if there are any in your area, because they can be extremely helpful.  Check this site, and go to a meeting (http://sanon.org/meetings/meetinglocations.html).  You don’t even have to talk.  Just listen to others’ stories (they’re mostly women, but anybody can be affected by the behavior of a sexaholic).

        Before you do anything, give it a little time for your emotions to settle.  They are raw right now (as mine are).  It’s helpful to listen to the experiences of other women who have gone through experiences of infidelity, and to hear how they came through it.

        • Tammy62

          Helpful advice Elisabeth!
          Tammy

    • Elizabeth

      So, I read a lot of articles about cheating.  Being cheated on really changed my life, most explanations make some kind of sense but I still just don’t really buy it.  I don’t think it was because I let myself go, I actually look better than I did 5 years ago or because he was bored, or just had the opportunity.  He put a lot of time and effort into this and after over 10 years of marriage, being separated and remarried, I still can’t pinpoint one valid reason he did it.  He can’t even give me a reason that makes sense to me.  I cheated too.  After I found out, planned on leaving anyway, a few months before I took off I genuinely cheated on my husband.  I know why I did it. I was depressed, didn’t care about my own morals anymore, just wanted to feel better, was in the wrong place at the right time. I feel like I have PTSD waking up in the middle of the night with flashbacks about phone calls and emails from other women. Is cheating really like a cancer that can’t be cured?  How do couples recover from this? Do they ever really?
      Anyhoo, here’s my situation now.  I left my husband, reconnected with an old friend who was the complete opposite of my hub, would never cheat or try to hurt me, but…. I later found out he was very irresponsible and not really motivated to do anything meaningful with his life, and several other little things that were very frustrating and irritating, didn’t like how he acted around my children etc.  Found all this out after we planned to get married and oops, surprise I’m pregnant now too.  Meanwhile, I have to finalize my divorce so I can happily? get remarried and surprise again, my husband doesn’t want to sign?  What? Does his girlfriend know he doesn’t want to get divorced?  So, hub #1 and I have a talk, he professes his undying love for me and tells me he’ll do anything, I say no way this is crazy I’m so pregnant. He doesn’t care he wants me back he’ll die without me.  He did get very skinny and there’s nothing but rotten veggies and brandy in his fridge.  So long to short, we’re back together trying to work it out.  We talk a lot more openly and maturely than we did when we were in our teens and 20s.  But, now I’m shaped like humpty dumpty and he’s feeling uneasy about everything: should he be in the delivery room, take me to my appointments, OMG theres another guys baby in there.   So naturally I’m thinking if there’s ever a time for him to cheat it’s got to be now; I’m back to snooping and keeping tabs on where he’s going and I didn’t have feelings like this for years, I hate it. This all seems crazy, I know we need professional help but is there really any kind of hope for this short of some kind of miracle?  

      • Georgetreichel

        I wish you the best . you have to find it in yourself to for give him and show him all the love you can . Im sure if you keep up the love for him and he give you love back then there is hope for you two … dont think back only forward cause that where your going . think only back when your on your death bed . You know when people live in the past they make no room for the life that is in front of them … we all do something wrong in life and if we had to live with it every day there would never be another good day in your life … so just get on with loving this man and try to be happy … give your whole body and mind to him with love and im sure he’ll never do it again .

    • Toxik1rainbow

      THIS IS LONG !! SORRY I JUST NEED TO GET SHIT OFF MY CHEST !

      i need help advice ..something ! usually im good at being independent love myself more then anything but ever since last year ..it has not been that way..
      i have had the worst of experiences with boyfriends..
      i guess i just really know how to pick them =(
      but the thing is GUYS ARE SO GOOD AT COVERING UP WHO THEY TRULY ARE !
      its not like they appeared as a player type or abusive type ..they appeared
      NORMAL ! guess God gave guys the magical power to appear one way and show another..whatever anyway im very heart broken fucking depressed ( sorry for language ) && i seriously DESPISE feeling this way ..so deprived on love that was never really love at all.. i wont go through my whole life long battles of love or my destructive life..but umm i will tell you 2 stories that involve my ex and my boyfriend who i just recently had to dump as well ..( so sad i know )
      just so you can see what has happened that has made me just ready to jump off the deep end .. SO my ex is from when i was 16 i had met him over facebook and he only lived a town over.. we instantly connected .. infact i dont think i ever was so infactuctuated with some one like i was with him .. i promise you this guy seemed almost too good to be true ( as he use to say about our relationship)
      WARNING SIGN RIGHT FROM THAT STATEMENT CORRECT? yeah , well i was too dumb to notice i suppose..he didnt really like clubbing * which neither do i * he liked having only a couple of friends * so did i * he kept to himself basically wasnt loud or needy or attention * although maybe sometimes* anyways the list could go on ..he was perfect to me ..perfect for me..so i thought and he let his ex come back into the picture i found texts in his phone from her saying how much she loved the sex they had ..just things a girl in love doesnt want to read ..basically i was crushed ! i tried to leave him but he got physical threw me to the floor let me cry from pain..i never had this happen to me before i want sure if it was abuse since he didnt really punch me or hit me he would just throw be against things and pull my hair..i loved myself too much and after a week of this constant fighting i really called it quits and i told him its either her or me ..basically he wanted us both .. and i should have really left because he was no good ..but i left because he didnt just choose me..i lost my virginity to this dick ! i gave my heart to him ..and i was repayed with a hair pull and a cheater..it hurt me ..it hurt me soo bad that i couldnt even look t another guy without wanting to pull out an ak and blowing his fucking brains out..i wa single for a while after that and just played the field like anyother single guy oy girl..then 2 years down the line i met my now boyfriend ( the one i just broke up with) i knew of him and had known he was a player type from the looks of it ..but i thought that was 3 years ago maybe people change? he was younger then maybe he has grown..whatever i just thought with caution thats all..so he asked me out and right away he moved in with me and my parents..he had no where to go and i felt bad so i said that he could stay ..everything was great .. he lived with me for about 3 months and by  3 months is when i finally gave my body to him..maybe 3 months wasnt long enough but come on we slept next together every night i wanted it just as bad as he did..we sexed..it was good.. i still wasnt sure if i really liked this guy ..even though he was my man now..i was SCARED AS ANYTHING STILL..scared that my past would repeat and id have to deal with the pain and heart break all over again could you blame me? i was devasted from my past .. so he took things slow with me and kept patient and sweet as possible..i believe i was the girlfriend every guy wishes for ..i acted like a guy .. i rarely called him when he would leave my house and chill with friends.. i barely annoyed him with on going mushy texts messages ..i was doing my own thing and just letting him do his.. did i have a fear he would cheat ..ummm yea just because i couldnt have it done yet again to me…but would it CRUSH ME TO MY SOUL..no only because i did not even close to LOVE this guy yet..i never even called him babe ..he would call me babe but i just couldnt get my mouth to speak those words i just couldnt call him any thing but his real name..this is now the list of SHIT THAT OFCOURSE HAD TO GO WRONG.

      1. oneday we were together at my friends
      she asked us to go to the store for her while she was cleaning up
      as we were walking talking laughing smiling .. i noticed my phone
      was dead and i needed to call her to ask what flavor she wanted of the item..
      i asked to use his phone ( as soon as i touched his phone ) memories came rushing through like a tornado ..bad memories when i use to look in my ex’s phone and find
      un pleasant things.. right away with him not paying close attention i snooped real fast to my surprise he had been texting this girl who he still had as her name *babygirl* asking her when he wanted her to come through with the weed and she said i love you to him and he said it back!
      my stomach felt sick ,,i thought NOT AGAIN PLEASE NOT AGAIN.
      i gave him his phone and started acting real cold
      guess he wasnt catching on cause he still talking and actin like shit is really cool ..
      i took my friend told her the news and tears fell from my eyes ..not because i loved him..but because what is wrong with me that i cant have something good in my life
      she confronted him and he admitted that he hasnt got rid of her because she claims she pregnant with his baby!  I WAS FUMING ! i told him that he had to get out of my house , he tried to calm me down and talk to me but i wasnt having it .. i felt like shit all over again.. he asked me if he could please just stay the night that he really had no where to go ..i should have told his ass to go back to her house ..but i felt bad ( i hate that i ALWAYS FUCKING FEEL SORRY FOR THESE LOSERS!)
      SO i asked my friend to spend the night as well since i was truly hurting and didnt want to be all alone with him ..so she did .. when she fell asleep he called me over to the other couch..i didnt want to be next to him and i was wondering why the hell he would even think id come near him..he kept asking so finally i just did to shut him up… well he knew what he was doing ( as all you dick heads do ) he held me close said he was sooo sorry and started kissing me ..i was still mad as hell but i didnt feel like being mad no more i felt like maybe he really only still kept in contact with her because of the whole baby thing..he put in her real name instead of *babygirl* i told him he could still live with me but we would not be dating ,, he got upset and told me that he truly wanted me as his girl.. so we moved passed it .. 4 weeks went by and he asked if my friend could come over and he would invite his friend from his hometown i thought it was a good idea..we picked up his friend while my friend was getting ready at my house..we got liquor but my friend and i were just not in the mood to drink ..so they drank and my boyfriend got tipsy since he barely ever drinks..his friend and my friend just werent feeling eachother so his friend asked him to bring him home..that night he never came back to my house he called n said he was spending the night at his friend house..but i found out that he really went to go see the girl ..who he called *babygirl* n she played him out and left him stranded outside in the cold ..so he flipped out and broke her windows.. the girl lied and was never pregnant with his baby HE HAD TO go to court for the window damages .. i stayed with him like an asshole but this hurt me i told him to admit to me that he was gunna sex her that night..he swore that he wasnt ..but i knew different .. now she was really out the picture .

      2. he was moving out of my house into his aunts ..
      checked his facebook and he hit up several girls
      asking them if they would like to chill and if they lived in his aunts area..
      HIS EXCUSE : I WAS SCARED WE WERE GOING TO PART AFTER I MOVED.
      YOU WERE ACTING DISTANT.

      3. One night a strange number called his phone
      he was in the shower ..i texted the number back saying wassup
      she totally freaked out saying wow ! glad i know now
      GUESS WHY ? BECAUSE MY NAME WAS ON HIS SIGNATURE
      AND I GUESS HE NEVER TOLD HER THAT HE HAD A GIRLFRIEND.
      * his excuse * she lives in chicago i never met her
      i dated her off line 4 years ago .. she dont mean shit to me
      i never even met her in person ..
      i asked him to never speak with her again ..he agreed

      4. he never stopped talking with her at one point changed her name to a guys name , so i wouldnt find out ..
      I FOUND OUT! i threatened to seriously leave he got agressive with me
      grabbed me hard and shook me ..and begged me to forgive him

      5.kept deleting my signature when he would text this other girl.
      HIS EXCUSE : CAUSE YOU DID IT TO ME .
      I DID IT ONCE NOT A BILLION TIMES!

      6. asked his brother what was good with his brothers baby sitter
      HIS EXCUSE : CAUSE WE WERE FIGHTING NON STOP
      IT DIDNT MEAN ANYTHING HE JUST SAID IT INCASE WE BROKE IT OFF

      7. told me he deleted his facebook but i found out he never did
      and he added 23 girls and comment on one girls photo of her ass out
      and told her to hit him up for a good time
      HIS EXCUSE : IT WAS JUST A JOKE…
      did anyone else find it funny ? cause i sure didnt ..

      8.slapped me in my face made me bleed, punched me ,
      threw me , threw drinks on me , hot soup at me ..
      HIS EXCUSE : HE SCARED IMMA LEAVE HIM & I GET HIM SO UPSET

      9. texts his friend asking were the bitches at
      HIS EXCUSE : I ALWAYS IGNORE HIM HE SAID IT AS A JOKE..

      as you can see love isnt real ..i dont believe theres good guys and this guy even made me not believe in God anymore i figured God must really hate women
      we get all the hurt and pain and yet we still crave for love,, why cant us women be like men and not give to shits ??? ive lost my heart ..and i think il never find it again…guys always wanna say ” not every guy the same ” but truth is you just want some ass ,, so u always need that EXCUSE ..

      im pregnant with his baby now ..
      and i was forced to leave him i stayed this long after one year of all this
      but i just cant no more but i love him and im hurting and i think in my opinion i gave this guy enough of my trust and love =( he used it , abused it , torn it apart ..

      what can i do ..i once again cant even look at another guy without wishing
      he would die somewhere ..i know its bad but ij ust dont think guys really want or need love..i think guys dont even deserve it

      • Anonymous

        Dear Toxik
        ok, you need to focus now..you are pregnant and you need some serious help..

        First, go and see your doctor, decide whether you keep this baby..if you are going to be a mother you have to do some fast growing up.

        Second ; get some counseling, for you..not for this lousy relationship..you have to learn how to look after yourself.

        My feeling is that you have no self esteem, you think you need a man to define you as ok..and they sense this need and abuse you for it because girlfriend you are sending out some really bad signals!

        Sort yourself out first..this is a priority, you are fine on your own…learn how to like yourself first..men can come later..get your pride back.

        Email me directly if you need any more advice.

        Tammy

        • Toxik1rainbow

          your s0o right , tammy how do i not send out these signals because to me i send out independence ,,at first atleast u dont understand this is my first real long relationship i never had this before my ex and him are the only ones i ever fell deeply for…why does he cry and go crazy everytime i want to leave ..why does he manipulate me ?? i dont understand this ,, so im just a weak person he knows he can control ..i confront him about this ..ofcourse nothing changes but i feel so alone i know that i got to get my act together but i wanted him to be the one growing with me ..im scared that all the relationships i ever encounter will be bad ..of course no girl wants to be alone ,,we cant front ,, we like attention company u know ect..i just dont know how these guys are sensing this i truly didnt know i was giving off that vibe ;(

          • Anonymous

            My dear T
            the first time you truly fall in love you lose a bit of yourself! If the person you love then takes even more, you can end up forgetting who you are..and it is worse if you have always been very independent before.
            No, you are not weak, you are just lost. However, this is not a healthy relationship and you need to get out.

            The violence and the emotional manipulation are danger signals..and HE WILL NOT CHANGE not with you, maybe never! I understand you wanted to grow with him, but this will not happen. This is a classic mistake we women make; trying to chane our men and make them grow up! Only he can change himself, and he will not do so unless he truly feels he has too much to lose if he doesn’t change.

            You have too much to lose if you stay; what if one argument he hits you, he hits your baby..and you miscarry? Are you going to forgive him that? While you are angry, scared and emotional..you are harming the baby..and ultimately you will do serious harm to yourself.

            I’m sorry, I am not prepared to give you advice on how to stay with this boy (he is not a man) he is a child who is having tantrums every time he does not get his way!

            You have to do the hardest thing in the world now, walk away from someone you love, to protect a tiny life that you will love even more..and yourself, who you don’t seem to love much! Find the real you, that strong smart woman who can handle life..on your own..for now. You have plenty of time to love again, properly, on an equal footing..you do NOT need a amn to justify or validate your existence.

            Get some medical help, some family support, but above all, GET OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP.

            Let me know how you are?

            Tammy

    • Miles7189

      And another thing,if some of you women don’t know why thier man cheats,then you shouldn’t be in a realattionship because you don’t know your man,which is  more than likely why he cheated in the first place.Now don’t get upset with me,because honestly I could care less,i’m just here to point out the obvious

      • Anonymous

        Hmmm
        you could care less?? Sounds like you care quite a bit..and yes, women don’t always know their men..they trust them and get lied to..or else there is a problem, but HEY, we aren’t that great at ESP, usually helps if the man TALKS to his woman about a problem..or is it just easier to go cheat?
        T

        • Miles7189

          yup,I could careless about any negative comments that are made towords me.And men can’t always talk to thier woman about problems because they might feel that thier woman might not understand or that they might be seen as being weak.I ask you this ,don’t women cheat? don’t they use the old “well he’s just not romantic anymore” excuse? this is what I’m pointing out.Either way I think everybody cheats and if a person says that they don’t then they’re a liar.I myself don’t have that problem becuase I try and be honest with myself,I know theres alot of women out there and I also know about temptation and lust,so I just don’t get in a realationship.

          • Anonymous

            Dear Miles
            yes I know without doubt that women cheat…sometimes it makes me real mad that they expect their man to fulfill every need, friend, lover, breadwinner , father etc…all the time wanting them to be “strong”. I have in fact argued with some of my visitors that more marriages would survive if the women allowed their husband his moments of doubt and anxiety and supported instead of punishing him.

            Do understand something, I am NOT a man basher and I think it is very true that men find it hard to talk to their partners which is sad..but often because the woman makes it difficult for the man to be anything but perfect!

            What it comes down to Miles is NOT that EVERYONE cheats, because they don’t! It is a matter of communication, allowing your partner to be their true self and always talking to each other.

            I hope you find someone you feel you can trust and be honest with.

            Tammy

          • Tor_ture

            SORRY TO SAY NOT EVERYBODY ARE CHEATER.. NOT EVERYBODY ARE KILLER & I STILL BELIEVE NOT EVERYBODY ARE TRAITOR TO HIS OWN FAMILY LIKE WHAT MY HUSBAND DO..sorry to say more men are cheater than woman… IF EVERYBODY RESPECT OF THEIR DIGNITY THEY KNOW THE MEANING OF SHAME… I know some women are cheater too but I’m not one of them & thank God not yet even though my husband keep on cheating me again & again for more than 11yrs.. i never betrayed him bec. i want my family together forever but he is to much already thousands of times he cheat me.. we are not talking about hundreds of times thousands of times he lied to me SINCE B4 WE GOT MARRIED HE CHEAT ME well.. he betrayed me more & more… BUT IF.. I STILL TOGETHER with my husband now oohh maybe this time i will cheat him too especially i want to start working  again as a singer in the five star hotel.. for more than 11 yrs i stop working bec. he told me to stop AS A WIFE i have to RESPECT my husband decision. MAYBE i can cheat him like what he do me I’m still beautiful and sexy  BUT.. i will do that bec. i don’t want TO CONTINUE my marriage anymore & i want my husband to feel the pain of being cheated.. OR..i will divorce him so i don’t have to destroy my DIGNITY bec. of him.. anyway I FOUND OUT my husband got cheated by his GF hahaha very good to him.. he think all the women are stupid like ME & to much MARTYR like ME??? sorry 2say not all women are forgiving like me MY LIFE IS VERY MISERABLE all d time for more than 11yrs i try 2be more patience & more understanding, MORE LOVING, MORE CARING, BUT…MY HUSBAND NEVER CHANGES STILL THE SAME HE CAN CHANGES ONLY FOR A WHILE & HE WILL DO D SAME THING.. LIKE I’M IN HELL.. I DON’T WANT THIS FOREVER I HAVE TO ENDED..I’M SICK & TIRED OF THIS SHIT I NEED SOME RESPECT…

            • Tammy62

              Dear T

              please, please please go and get some help! Your anger is burning off the page and your humiliation is destroying you..I am sorry but i have had to dlete some of your comments because they are just too much..please go and see a therapist..not becuase you have done anything wrong, but you cannot handle all this anger and pain alone!

          • naomi82

            So this is how those lonely bitter old men are born.  If you can’t talk to your woman, then you are with the wrong one.  People choose each other.  And if they both want it to work, they will talk.  It’s not hard.  I don’t understand what so many men are really afraid of.  It’s better to talk it out and move on, then be deceitful and turn the whole relationship to shit.  But I guess some men are too lazy or chicken to even try.  I love being in love.  I hope I don’t die a lonely bitter old lady.    

      • 3YearsLater

        You certainly don’t go in a relationship thinking why would my man cheat?  Hmmm, let me think about this.  He said he would never, he said trust me, he said love me, I do.  So… is it I don’t know my man or is HE providing false pretenses for the relationship?

    • Miles7189

      all you women do is bitch,thats why men cheat,plain and simple..you all might not like it,well tuff shit! if your not the same fun outgoing person you where when you guys met,chances are your man will cheat ,so suck it up and get over it,it’s not like you all are freaking angels anyway

      • Anonymous

        Hey angry man…what about you guys, all romance and love when courting, all beer belly and lazy when married?

        Watch out for generalities..everyone is an individual..no angels either male or female!

        • Miles7189

          you know what tammy..you’re right.ALL I was doing was pointing out the obvious.I know men slack and I never said we didn’t,all i’m trying to point out is that men are attacked at every turn and women seem to forget that they also  cheat and that they also change after being in a realationship for awhile.I don’t see why you would call me angry,but hey whatever floats your boat,no love lost here.I’m just tired of men being the scape goat for all of womens problems….as you said we are individuals,so to me that means it takes two to make a realationship work,an if it dosen’t then thats both parties fault not just one individual.

          • Renu_bangalore

            men are assholes

          • Renu_bangalore

            Some men cheat. they get bored of their woman after couple of yrs , then why do u call it true love in the beginning? why do u men  make us blindly trust u and later prove that we r actually blind? For all u Men , BEHAVE THE WAY U WANT UR DAUGHTER TO BE WITH AND DONT USE WOMAN AND THROW THEM JUST COZ U R BORED. ELSE IT SHALL VERY SOON HAPPEN TO U. U PPL CHEAT AND TORTURE, U SHALL GET IT BACK. IF NOT U, UR KIDS SHALL GET IT BACK. NO DOUBT.

    • Ashleybyrd57

      ok im a 22yr old female i been with my boyfriend no im sorry my man for 5yrs now we are engaged he never made me feel like he was cheating so i never had to ? our relationship but heres the catch he been incarcerated for 2 1/2 yrs n yess im not gonna say i been an angel  but we have a real good understanding about our relationship but now i found a friend that i really like. he know my situation but he want a relationship so if i start a new relationship is that called cheating even tho my FIANCE is incarcerated??????

      • Anonymous

        Yes it is cheating..it is the same as if your fiancee were stationed overseas or for any long distance relationship!
        Frankly this is NOT a relationship and it is certainly NOT an engagement..unless you are faithful..you do not say when he is due to be released..??

        I’m sorry to be blunt, but this relationship started when you were very young, and you have changed..he will have changed and yes, he hopes that being engaged means you will wait for him and be there when he is released..if you cannot be faithful then you are not ready for him, now, or later.

        Ask yourself, WHEN he fids out you cheated on him, will he be hurt, angry, feel betrayed? Do you want to do that to him? Either be honest with him and break off the engagement, or be faithful.

        Tammy

        • Ashleybyrd57

          ok i understand everything that u r sayn absolutely yess i agree 100% but still have an opinion…ok i havent changed becuz i still been their for him all the way we have an understanding he kniw he cant be their for me how he want to n how he suppose to so we have an aggrement that i can see other ppl mingle or wateva we keep nothin from eachother he was my first love n its like since he been gone i learned to love him more but its still hard becuz he not here wit me n im missing that other half n omg i dont even want to say how long he have its crazy oh yu will say ur self mama its time to move on srry to say but im just not ready to give up but i do have needs i m human even tho i know its not rite n i feel like y should i have to suffer i didnt put yu their n i think its a total differ story if he was over sea or sumthin idk maybe its just me but the whole 5yrs of our relationship i never cheated or had any minds of having relations with anyone else i guess its just sefe to say im hurt:(

          • Anonymous

            Dear A
            I think you need to go and talk to someone about this, and perhaps try and figure out how you are going to manage this situation. You do have to be absolutely honest, but if I am truly honest with you, however much you love this man I cannot see it lasting this way!

            You say he has a long time to go…you are far too young to be comitting yourself this way.
            Agree to be friends, tell him you cannot be physically faithful but you will be there for him as a friend..and do not make silly lovesick promises you cannot keep! It is not fair on him, or you…

            I’m sorry, but absolute truth is the only way, and a large healthy dose of realism…you will find somebody else..I’m pretty sure, even if at the moment you don’t think you will.

            Stop trying to be somebody perfect, you are human, and you cannot cheat and then justify it by saying you have needs, but he is still your fiance/boyfriend..that’s trying to have your cake and eat it!

            Have sex with other men, but NOT as his girlfriend..that has to end, or the guilt will eat you up.

            Tammy

            • Ashleybyrd57

              Thank you i absolutely agree its just that i explained that too him so many times but he not tryna hear none of it but getting advice from sumone else make sit clearer for me thanx tammy alot:)

              • Anonymous

                You take care Ashley!
                Tammy

    • 4saken1

      my husband and I have been married for 3 years and we’ve been through a lot….He’s always talked down to me and I’ve taken all his bull but I still did my best to keep him happy, we have a two year old daughter and another daughter on the way I found out he had cheated just a few days ago and he tried to lie to me that it was his friend using our cell phone to talk to other women and meet them…so I look at our phone bill and the time wasn’t making sense to me because according to the  bill he was still home while doing it so I threatened to leave and have an abortion—-then he came clean and keep in mind that I also take care of his mother…he said it was stress and that he needed to get away from it all but little does he understand that I’m stressed too…I had to take care of our daughter all by myself & go to appointments by myself while I see couples go together. I felt distant from him—I’ve thought about cheating too but I had to grow up and I’m only 21 but I gave up everything to be a good mother to my kids I was depressed,couldn’t eat,couldn’t sleep and at times I thought about dying—the thing that hurt the most was he told all these women how beautiful they were and never once said to me =(  but anyway If you saw pictures He was lying!!! lmao!  I’m not saying all men are bad because women too have flaws….and it disgust me how women can be such hoes!!!

      • Anonymous

        Dear 4saken

        First things first..never threaten an abortion as a way of punishing your husband for cheating! However, you need to see your doctor, or your midwife, NOW.

        Whatever the situation with your husband, your current state of mind is not good for either you, your daughter or your unborn child. You are young to be a mother, and very vulnerable right now and you need help. This is actually more important than your husband’s lousy behavior! It may be that you do leave him, but that is not a decision for right now, the decision facing you is your own emotional health and ability to continue being a good mother.

        To tackle this cheating, and convince him to change (if that is what you want) requires emotional strength which you do not have at the moment.

        it is totally unreasonable of your husband to expect you to handle motherhood, pregnancy and caring for his mother, all without support and help.

        STOP trying to keep him happy, he sees you as a doormat he can walk all over, and yes, you threatening to leave if he did not tell the truth probably scared him. After all you take care of his child and his mother, he needs you around! This is not the same as loving you, respecting you and being a good husband, none of which he is doing.

        Go and see your own family and ask for help! Insist that he goes to couples therapy with you, or maybe talk to your local minister or pastor and ask for help and guidance there.

        If he is as young as you, your husband is probably not ready for all this responsibility and maybe your being pregnant has created fear and stress for him and he worries about whether he can support the family.

        NO, he is not behaving well, but if you do want to save this marriage and get him back on track you are going to have to stand up to him.

        Cheating as revenge is never a good idea, it will make you feel cheap and anyway, why stoop to his level? As regards your current pregnancy, I will not advise either for or against; I believe in a woman’s right to choose, but I do think you need advice in this area.

        Please go and see your doctor, you may be suffering some form of post partum depression, this often happens when you fall pregnant quite soon after one baby, and are lacking in support.

        If your husband won’t go to ante natal appointments, cannot a friend or relative go with you?

        Reach out to other people, ask for help..do not try and handle this alone.

        let me know how it goes?

        Tammy

      • Ashleybyrd57

        hi 4saken my opinon or outtake on ur situation is i understand wat yu r goin thru n i feel ur pain but my thing is he trying to switch it up n make it seem like you the victim in the siskjliiesituation and

        • Ashleybyrd57

          srry about that typo ^^ you the victim in the situation and never wanna admit wen they r wrong or wen they messed up but dont ever let a man cum btw the bond of u n urs first thing fist but yu seem like a very strong minded young lady so just do wats best for yu sweetie-

    • lost4ever

      I HAVE BEEN MARRIED TO MY HUSBAND FOR 28 YRS/ BEEN WITH HIM SINCE I WAS 15. HE HAD AN AFFAIR 5 YEARS INTO OUR MARRIAGE. WE ENDED UP GETTING BACK TOGETHER. SINCE THAT HE HAS BEEN INTO PORN AND I MADE IT PERFECTLY CLEAR THAT IN INTOLERABLE TO ME. ON SEVERAL OCCASIONS HE SNUCK IT IN AND DID IT. RECENTLY I FOUND OUT HE HAD BEEN ON DATING SITES AND MAIL BRIDES SITES. I THOUGHT WE WERE WAY PAST THIS ….WHAT DO I DO?

      • Anonymous

        Dear Lost

        has he ever explained to you exactly what need the porn fulfills? This conversation needs to happen. if porn is a deal breaker for you, and he will not give it up..and from the sounds of it he is actively looking for opportunities to cheat..then this marriage is no longer viable.

        If you are people of faith, maybe you could enlist your pastor/minister’s help?

        To be honest, it sounds as if he is no longer invested in the marriage..and having been with you from a very young age is looking to see what he may have missed! In common parlance this is his mid life crisis.

        You have two choices; work through this with him, or leave. You do not say whether you have children, or a job? My advice would be to look at developing your independence, you are going to need to be tough whatever you decide to do.

        Dating sites, mail order bride sites is beyond acceptable and you have to tell him this in no uncertain terms. Be direct, ask him what he is looking for, eye candy or a potential alternative partner?

        You thought you were past this; the only way to get past this is to be firm and confront him. If he continues to treat you with such little respect, you deserve to find a man who treats you better than this.

        There is no easy answer, you can choose to ignore this, but that way lies heartbreak and misery..you have to face this head on..no avoiding it I’m afraid.

        Let me know how you get on? Thinking of you.

        Tammy

    • Brad

      Men cheat because women are lazy slobs!

      • Anonymous

        OUCH!
        A bit personal Brad, just what do you mean by lazy??? Sounds like you have had a bad experience with a woman, please don’t brand us all the same way..it is as bad as saying men cheat because they are all lying B’S!

        Tammy

      • katcart

        I feel sorry for you Brad. Never dated the right women and I would guess have a very poor relationship with your mother. You need to consider getting some professional counseling for your issues with women and society. I personally know an old man and run into a couple who have lived alone for decades in dilapidated homes in very poor health (rotten teeth, greasy hair, nail fungus, yellow beards, etc.). They live in squalor and are miserable. I am sure their funerals will be sparsely attended. They have all had one thing in common. A very sick hatred of women.

      • Lauralai68

        Sound like some one got taken$$$lol love & kissees from a lazy $lob !

      • Tor_ture

        BRAD, BRAD, BRAD SO IT MEANS  WHY WOMEN CHEAT BECAUSE MAN ARE LAZY SLOBS TOO????  TSK TSK NOT ALL MEN ARE THE SAME AS YOU OK…

    • E_clark_e

      Men cheat because “they can”. Men cheat because they were never taught honesty and integrity growing up. Men cheat because they have low self-esteme. If their wife appears to be a bit more successful than he, it’s his way of bring her down to his level….. by ‘hurting’ her. And “once a cheater, always a cheater”. It’s really sad but true…..men are pigs and do not deserve a good woman.

      • Tor_ture

        YOUR ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!!! & ONE MORE THING MEN WILL CHEAT US MORE IF WE ARE A ONLY A HOUSE WIFE THEY CAN EASILY MANIPULATE US & MEN CAN DO A LOTS OF BAD THINGS AGAINST THE WIFE BEC. THEY KNOW UR ONLY IN THE HOUSE & THOSE THE SAME AS MY RELIGION MY OMG U HAVE TO TELL TO UR HUSBAND IF U WANT TO GO OUT & WHERE ARE U GOING….. SO…… HAHAHA THEY CAN AWARE OF UR PRESENT… SOME MEN ARE REAL PIGS AND DO NOT DESERVE A GOOD WOMAN…

    • Anonymous

      I work in a hotel on south beach and recently I was in a position to fuck a very beautiful woman in an empty room. I have a girlfriend that I love to death but she has been letting herself go, as of late. Moreover she has a little dog, Chihuahua, that always spoils the mood when I try getting intimate with her.
      I could have fucked this guest right up her asshole but I chose not to. She is horny, on south beach and would forget me in a new york minute. I would rather jack off to bang bus.
      I can’t handle guilt like other guys. It would turn me inside out.

    • Honest

      When you chose a partner, make sure you know yourself 1st and you will be able to build a great relationship. T

      • Anonymous

        Totally agree! Too many women get lost in the relationship and stop being themselves!

        • DexterMorgan

          As Chris Rock so eloquently put it: men are as faithful as their options. Women don’t cheat as much because since the age of 13, every male that they have ever come across has been trying to fuck them. Ladies, don’t get it twisted, “if he could, he would.” Unless you’re grotesque or obese (some guys do like that however), every nice gesture has been to get you into bed — regardless if you’re single or in a relationship. It’s easy for women to turn down sex, because they can get it basically any time. Whereas, men, have to work hard for it.

    • Cblessed

      Men cheat because they are dogs… no matter how good the wife is to him or how good she looks it is never enough for them

      • DexterMorgan

        As Chris Rock so eloquently put it: men are as faithful as their options. Women don’t cheat as much because since the age of 13, every male that they have ever come across has been trying to fuck them. Ladies, don’t get it twisted, “if he could, he would.” Unless you’re grotesque or obese (some guys do like that however), every nice gesture has been to get you into bed — regardless if you’re single or in a relationship. It’s easy for women to turn down sex, because they can get it basically any time. Whereas, men, have to work hard for it…YOU DUMB CUNT

    • DexterMorgan

      As Chris Rock so eloquently put it: men are as faithful as their options. Women don’t cheat as much because since the age of 13, every male that they have ever come across has been trying to fuck them. Ladies, don’t get it twisted, “if he could, he would.” Unless you’re grotesque or obese (some guys do like that however), every nice gesture has been to get you into bed — regardless if you’re single or in a relationship. It’s easy for women to turn down sex, because they can get it basically any time. Whereas, men, have to work hard for it.

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_HQUDOEQFIUWYEEEIXSCN33QFBU Ann

      Billy you dont need help you need to get it together you know what you want and you know what o do to get it stop the dam cheating you cant havr all the cake and thecrumbs

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_HQUDOEQFIUWYEEEIXSCN33QFBU Ann

      people cheat in general because thats what society is about the president did it so I guess we the people do it to build our egos, men do it because they are dogs, women do it trying to get back at the one who did it to them not all men and women are the same you got some men need lots of sex and some women lots of dick.  There are good men and women but in general we cheaters like to have all the fun

    • Aeianp

      Tammy,
      FYI- It is post-partum depression, not post natal.

      • Anonymous

        Sorry, I use both expressions..but will use post partum from now on!
        T

    • billybobsnortin

      Really need help about to lose the women of my dreams cuz i can’t be faithful… i sexually cheating like 3 times but i talk to other girls a lot she gave me lots of chances i know i don’t need anymore but i don’t wanna lose her… it took to long to realize how much i need her…

      • Anonymous

        Dear Billy
        You can only tell her this…and stop talking to other girls! You have to show her you can be trusted, and this will take time, there is no quick fix for this. You also have to be absolutely sure in your own heart that you mean it this time, not that you just don’t want to be without her..so you gotta figure out WHY you cheated on her before.

        You also have to tell her the reasons, and why now it is different!

        Do you belong to a church or a club, is there someone who can talk this through with both of you? It will help her to believe you if you show you are prepared to take advice and help to make this work.

        By the way..you CAN be faithful..you have to WANT to be faithful, it is a choice!

        Tammy

      • Cblessed

        Hey it always take men to long to realize what they have, you cant see the forest for the trees. and if you put all into your relationship like you do in the streets you would see that you have what you need, but what ever you put into the relationship is what you will get out of it.

    • Jack Kane

      Hey everyone. First of all I am a guy and am looking to do whatever it takes (and changer for the better) to be with my ex again. My ex gf and I recently had a get-together that seemed like it would be a promising re-connection for both of us. In May I sporadically took off from Atlanta (our hometown) to DC to look for jobs in my career. I had cheated on her once previously but was honest with what happened. When I left for DC i went out drinking one weekend and a girl kissed me and I resisted after a second. When I got home I had told her what had happened and that I thought it was best if I moved on b/c of my actions. I suffered this entire summer working a dead-end job in a restaurant and jobless at this point. In August she finally got back in touch with me and she told me “it just can’t work b/c of the distance.” On her b-day in September I sent Teleflora to her house along with a letter with some pictures of us. She then reiterated, “The only way it would work Jack is if you were here in Atlanta.”  At the end of September I decided it was best to comeback to be with all of my family and friends in Atlanta. Just being 22, working a low-paying restaurant job, and on my own in DC, it only made sense for me to move back to Atlanta. When I told my ex about me moving back she seemed a little bit open to the idea. Her and I were being humorous with texting and she told me when i get settled in Atlanta we can meet up. We met up last week for a dinner and movie get-together and after the movie she told me she was, “over me.” I was completely shocked and did not expect it coming. I was heartbroken too, bigtime. All the women on this forum,”PLEASE DONT TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY. I AM HUMAN AND HAVE MADE MISTAKES.” Its been a rough past week and all I think about is her and how if i could get back with her, I would make it the most worthwhile relationship to her. Is it really over or is she trying to get back? 

      • Anonymous

        Dea Jack
        OK, let’s be honest, you made a decision to move away and you also cheated..not big time I have to say and probably forgiveable, but you weren’t there to forgive!
        You are also quite young, so I’m guessing that for you this may be your first really serious relationship?

        Your ex seems to have sent some mixed signals; as if she wanted you to come back, but perhaps thought saying the distance was a problem was the answer because she thought you wouldn’t come back?

        She has told you she is over you…but she agreed to dinner and had been texting in a friendly way before that…hmmm….I think you have a chance..but boy are you gonna have to play this carefully!

        I sorta think she is testing you, seeing if you care enough to fight for her, and I’m guessing you do. However, if you go in all guns blazing you may scare her off. The other thing is, are you sure she is not dating someone else? She wouldn’t be cheating on you if she was, but she may be feeling awkward about it, not knowing whether you two have a chance and she should risk it again.

        I do think you need to get the rest of your life sorted out too….you will be far more attractive to her if you have a reasonable job and show some ambition and that you want to succeed.

        I think you should ask her out again, but keep it low key, say you would like to make it up to her, as a friend..that you have missed her company and you want to remain on good terms..and then you take it from there..

        You have to rebuild this relationship, show her you are interested in her life, in her as an individual not just her as a girlfriend..but don’t get too clingy or anxious if she seems to be living her own life..she has had to adjust to you being away and protect her heart from further pain.

        Whatever happens, I hope that you can at least establish a friendship with her, and that as she grows to trust you maybe you can rekindle your feelings for each other.

        Don’t rush it but don’t be too casual, she needs to know that you still care, but that you are letting her make the decision as to hether you two start up again.

        I hope this helps? let me know how it goes.

        Tammy

        • Jack Kane

          Tammy,

          Thank you. I also meant to tell you that on that date we went on last week I was kind of forward with things; telling her that we could take things slow and casual. She then responded with the ‘IM OVER’ you statement. Think there’s still a chance after that? Let me know. My b-day is also coming up and I was wondering if her sending me a message would mean anything.

          Very Best,

          Jack

          • Anonymous

            Jack
            slowly does it..friendship first..and NO don’t read anything into her contacting you for your birthday..she could just be being a friend..if she IGNORES your birthday..then she is showing she IS over you..but that does not mean she couldn’t fall for you again..the NEW you..take it slowly and get out and meet others too..the priority here is to get your life back on track!
            Tammy

            • Jack Kane

              Tammy,

              I feel like I should play the no-contact game for awhile. If I play the “lets talk as friends” game, then I feel like that will only further her decision to keep me as a friend rather as a boyfriend. I’ve been progressing with my life. Putting my bachelor’s degree to use, essentially. Let me know whats up.

              Jack

              • Anonymous

                Dear Jack
                I don’t think you should play any games at all…but you certainly can become very independent from her..a little cool, but friendly if she contacts you.

                Distance would be a good thing…you want her to miss you, and see you as attractive because you are living your life, making new friends, moving on..just keep the lines of communication open, and let her make the moves!

                Good luck, let me know how it goes?

                Tammy

                • Kanejack

                  Tammy,

                  Just to keep you abreast we went to a football game this past.Sunday then dinner afterwards. When we got the bill I wanted to pay for it but I went ahead and let her pay for it to make her feel good about the situation. I sent her a text Monday saying I had a good time with her the day before and she said, “ya thanks it was fun. Im sure ill be seeing you soon.”I think things are heading in the right direction.things have been hard for me recently as I lost 2 to friends to drugs and a motorcycle accident and 2I grandparents to alzheimers and lung cancer. Im working 2 jobs at UPS and at a valet company so I am making the necessary moves to be successful. And down the road ill go to officer school for the marine corps. I want this to work Tammy but im also prepared fir the inevitable if it.doesn’t. Let me know your thoughts. Happy thanksgiving to you.

                  Jack

                  • Anonymous

                    Dear jack
                    thank you for keeping me up to date! You should be proud of yourself, working so hard and having a goal in mind are all good things! Keep your focus on healing yourself, handling your grief and moving towards a better future.

                    it sounds as if she is prepared to give you a chance..at least as a friend that may become something else..but you are smart not to raise your hopes too high.

                    Next time though, I would say that you want to be able to at least share the bill, even if she does not want you to pay for both of you!

                    keep it light and friendly..enjoy her company and give her a chance to see how much fun it can be to be with you!

                    Good luck

                    Tammy

                  • Jack Kane

                    Also Tammy,

                    When we last talked on the phone, she brought up random girls writing on my wall on facebook. I am not fooling around or anything but i take it as a sign nevertheless she isnt over me.

                    Jack

    • lala500

      Me and my bf and farther if my child has been together for two years. We met our freshman year in college. I didn’t like him at first but then he just started like stalking me and I gave in. Now i feel like he is the love of my life but I do not trust him any more. We have a long distance relationship. I am at home with my mother and he is still at the college. He takes care of his son like he is suppose to but I do not know if he is cheating. He is my first boyfriend really almost my first every thing. But when I was pregnant tat school was the first time I realized that he could have been cheating. I looked through his phone and saw that he was texting girls from back home. Talking about when we going on our date and other really flirting things. I broke up with him with out telling him why. A couple of days later we got back together. He told me he was just flirting and I told him I didnt mind. I did tell him that but that was because in the beginning I was not taking us that seriously. I told him I didn’t like that and he said he wouldnt do it any more but he did and this time he was flirting with girls on Facebook. I got his password and he was talking to girls at his school and ones at the school next door and ones that he went to high school with. I find this happening more than once…I break up withholding him. He cry and for some reason I take him back. I have no proof of him.sleeping with someone else but it hurts just as bas. And from what I know of he hasn’t talked to any girl like that for a while now. He deleted his Facebook messages but not his email messages so I can c from there. The real problem is that I do not trust him and that and the distance is really hurting us. I also am confused about me feeling the same about him. He keeps getting in trouble at school he smoke weed. But I guess he is getting good grades. Idk what to do with him. Idk what I would do if I found out he slept with someone else.

      • Anonymous

        Dear Lala
        the distance causes a problem, and him smoking weed makes him less careful!

        OK – you have a lot going on and because of the baby you have dropped out of college and are back home with your mother..so the first thing you need to do is sort YOURSELF out.

        There will be some kind of college near where you live – get back into education..you need to become responsible for your baby full time..in other words, figure out a future for you and your baby without your boyfriend..even if he is willing to help, you need to become more independent.

        You have too much thinking time and therefore are imagining the worst!

        You also need to establish a regular routine of communication with your boyfriend and when he is next home you two need to sit down and talk all this through.

        Look, he is young and is carrying a great burden, trying to get good grades at college and dealing with being a parent..far too early for him..and you..being young parents is stressful and you have given up a lot.

        Focus on getting your own life straight and moving in a positive direction..you have your mother’s support for this and I am sure she will be pleased if you start to show you want to be grown up about all of this!

        Your feelings for this boy are mixed up by being apart and you having a baby..it will take time to sort out..one step at a time.

        let me know how you get on?

        Tammy

    • Rosa212506

      Hi I’ve been in a relationship with this guy for over 10 years since we were young teenagers now he is 22 and I will turn 22 in a cuple of months. Our relatioship was off and on until 2008 I moved in with him and when I was living with him I found out he was cheating with many diffrent girls and a prostitute so we broke up after we broke up he moved in with the prostitute he was cheating on me with he keeped calling and 4 months later I forgave him and got back together when we got back together I got pragnat :-( and he bacame a responsable dad and took care of me n our baby boy! He was working and I found in text msgs he was cheating on me with a co-worker! I confronted him he denyed it! I later found out he had a facebook and I went threw his msgs and he was writing over 75 diffrent girls if they were single he wanted to meet them! In june 2011 we broke up and he was seeing a girl that he had meet on facebook! He even sleeped with her. We got back together again and I forgave him again! I love him and I don’t know what to do I want to be a happy family me him and my son but he has always cheated and I am unsecured. Every time he goes any were I always think he is with a girl or if someone texts him I think its a girl! Even in the past he would save girls numbers under guys names! We always argue and I need some advice! He says now that he loves me and that he can’t picture him self with anyone else but me! What do I do!!!!!!!

      • Anonymous

        Dear Rosa
        are you kidding??? This man is not a man..he is a boy, not ready to settle down, not ready to be a father or a husband. You KNOW he will cheat again..what are you going to do, get pregnant again?

        For goodness sake..you have one true responsibility, your baby boy…your son who needs YOU to be a grown up!
        There is only one mindset you need right now, and that is..”How do I raise my son to be a good man who treats women with respect?”

        Step 1 – Look at your life, your job/career/education..and find a direction..and stick to it..
        Step 2 – Sort out your finances so that you can raise your child on your own
        Step 3 – The next time he cheats..and he will..LEAVE HIM

        Stop hoping for a miracle, stop dreaming of the happy ever after..he will not give it to you..the only person you can rely on is yourself..and your son needs you to be strong..

        WAKE UP ROSA! Get on with your life WITHOUT this cheating boy..and maybe, just maybe in time he will grow up and be a decent father..and even a decent man..

        Tammy

        • Rosa212506

          Thanks, but its really hard for me to leave I love him so much every time we brake up I feel lonley I don’t leave my room at my parents house, my mom n dad wacth the baby cuz I don’t pay attention to anything or any one I just wanna be locked in my room! I know its sad but I know he will cheat again but I can’t keep taking him bk! I’m lost. I love him so much

          • Anonymous

            Dear Rosa

            I have only one question…how much do you love your baby? Because you are hurting not just yourself, but your baby too….and actually this behavior, locking yourself away from life because of a boy who treats you badly, disrespects you and cheats at every opportunity this is SERIOUSLY DANGEROUS behavior.

            Get to your doctor NOW, it sounds like post natal depression to me..and yes this can occur for years after birth if untreated..

            STOP being so self indulgent young lady..you need to toughen up, you have a responsibility to your child, and it is not fair to expect your parents to shoulder this burden!

            Seriously, you need some help..you have very low self esteem and you are living your life through a man who does not care for you..this is not a healthy love, it is self destructive.

            He does not deserve your love..your child does!

            Please get some help Rosa..sooner rather than later!

            Tammy

            • Rosa212506

              So i should stop trying to make this relationship work???? Do u think me B*t*hing at him all the time and not giving him sex and not supporting him emotonaly has anything to do with all his cheating??

              • Anonymous

                Rosa
                why do you bitch at him, why do you refuse sex? If you are doing these things then yes you are pushing him away, but why do you think you are behaving this way?

                You sound so angry and unhappy my love, and there must be a reason for this.

                If you don’t want sex, and you don’t want to support him emotionally because of the past infidelity..this has to be talked through…because other wise it pushes him in exactly the direction you don’t want him to go!

                Rosa, you are in pain, you need some help and support, but hiding in your room is not going to help..

                I think you know you are being angry and pushing him away but don’t know how to stop doing so..and he feels guilt but finds it hard to connect with you and the baby.

                See if he will go to therapy or counseling with you..or maybe if you have faith..go and talk to your minister or pastor?

                I think you two need somebody else to help you talk to each other without anger and pain.

                Take care of yourself..do see your doctor, I meant it about the post natal depression..it can make you feel angry and confused and it would be good to rule it out.

                Tammy

                • Rosa212506

                  Yes because of the past is why I don’t give him sex n I don’t support him ! I bitch at him cuz I can’t stand him for what he’s done and thanks so much I’m going to get help yes I do have faith and I will also try n get him to go to therapy!! I appriciate talking to you I wish I had someone like u that I could run and talk to when I need to! Thanks T. I will keep in thouch n let u know how things go!

      • KRrichard

        Leave him. He obviously does not deserve a good woman. You need a MAN for the sake of your son and that’s required to raise him well. This pattern will continue until you put a stop to it. You keep forgiving him, that’s why he thinks it’s okay.
        You don’t want your son looking up to him as an example. What if your man brings you back an incurable disease? The list goes on. Let him go.

      • Latyiaallen

        I understand how u feel about dis but u have to b real strong and let him go cuz he not go stop cheating on for some reason he playing games and u don’t need to wit someone data like he don’t care bout and u should c dat ma!!!! LET HIM GO PlEASE for he give u sumthing

    • Lasdavis30

      Ive bee married less than two year, I’ve done my fair share of. nagging and giving him the cold shoulder because I dont. Know what else. He says he would never cheat,, but just this past sat he did nt. Come home till 4am spent the last 300 we had now were broke with 2 kids. And a newborn. His debit card showed he was in a strip club then at a gas station at 3am. This is not normal@for him.. he new the cable was due and since he didn’t get gas he’s catching a ride to work with someone I’ve never met. Granted he get paid every fri. I’ve asked him if he’s moved. On y has he come back. He tells me way I did that lead up to him staying out which is the typical gripping everyone has Because no one is perfect. I’m feeling very vengeful if he thinks I treated him bad when I loved him most boy he got hell to pay. Advice any one?

      • qt

        either set that ass straight or move on you have to care about yourself and your children

      • Anonymous

        Dear L

        he was irresponsible and reckless with family money meant to pay bills for his kids..You nag and he got annoyed and behaved badly..and now you are feeling vengeful!

        OK, cannot say whether he cheated or not, but he is fed up with his life..married, two kids, broke..so he ran away from that to a bright cheerful strip club to massage his ego, make him feel better and get away from his responsibilities.

        Yes, he needs to grow up and yes you now doubt him, but he also doubts you and there is only one solution; instead of accusing each other, you have to talk..voice your fears and your anger and let him do the same!

        The nagging and cold shoulder stuff has to STOP and the talking has to start..start with why you two are together and talk aout that.

        Financially, go talk to your bank and see if they have any good suggestions..

        Emotionally, stop wondering about stuff and ASK outright.

        Tammy

    • Maria.

      Dear T,
      I’m 18 yrs old and I’ve been with my boyfriend (who is a year younger than me) for almost 3 years now, I got pregnant at 15 going on 16 and we’ve been on a rollercoaster ride ever since. With my parents help I’ve managed to graduate high school and I’m currently going to college to move foward in life with my daughter at my side but I’m frusteraded with my boyfriend due to the fact that I have to theoretcally kick his butt every day in order for him to stay on task with his responsibilities. Throughout the years that we have been together, we each done some pretty harsh things to one another and we have genuinely tried to have a better relationship. He is a good guy but his bad habbits and his major insecurity issues are what ended up pushing me away for good and for quite a few months now I’m only with him for our daughter’s sake. Recently I’ve met this 20 yr old guy (who is turning 21 next month) on Facebook who turns out he went to the same high school as me and he ended up graduating when I was a sophmore. From that day on we talked practically everyday and even met in person. One day he admited to me that he loved me dispite the fact that I had a daughter and that I was still with my current boyfriend. I had admited that I had the same feelings and the next time we saw each other I ended up cheating. The guy I cheated with broke up with his girlfriend who lived in Jordan for me and I even ended up meeting his family, with him annoncing me as his girlfriend. His family didn’t like the fact that I had a baby so he stood up for me and was even prepared to move out of the house if they didn’t accept my child and I. He’s willing to wait for me until I finish my nursing career and him his sherrif career and plans to marry me afterwards. I could honestly see myself with him for the rest of my life, but I have yet to brake up with my baby’s father. I hate to make people feel bad because I always end up feeling worse, let alone breaking someone’s heart. I want to end in good terms for our daughter’s sake but I can’t even bring myself to tell him that I’m breaking up with him. Please help, I really need some advice.

      • Shelly

        your totally doing the rite thing tho be with someone who makes u happy and accepts u not to mention loves u unconditionally.okay so u cheated that was a mistake but u can fix some mistakes and get a easy divorce like non violet for ur daughters sake and i truthfully think he will be a better father for ur child *HUGS*

        • Maria.

          Shelly,
          Thank you so much for your support and kind words, I know now I shouldn’t have cheated but I’m determined to fix that mistake and do things the right way. And I really do hope that he does become the father that our daughter deserves to have, I mean after all she didn’t ask to be brought into this world, she’s just a gift from God that he has blessed in giving me. I appreciate your words because just like Tammy’s words, they make me feel relieved.

      • Anonymous

        Dear Maria
        one step at a time sweetheart..ok, so this new guy sounds very cool with your situation, supportive of your career and child..BUT..it is still new and you have a long way to go.

        First thing – you do not love your daughter’s father anymore and to be fair to him, he is very young to have all this responsibility!
        You have a supportive family, this is good..have they any idea about the new guy?

        Now, what to do? Yes you do have to tell your baby’s father, but you don’t have to say you are breaking up in a nasty way..you need to be honest and say that you two were just too young and you know that he needs to live his own life and decide his own future.

        You tell him that you want him in your daughters life..and that will never change, he is always her father.

        This new relationship needs to be taken slowly darling..or you could find yourself repeating mistakes!

        You have a career and a child and they come first. If this new man wants to marry you in the future, then fine..but that future is some distance away and you must NOT bank on this. It is time for you to be independent and not look to a man to always support you, sometimes they cannot.

        So, step one – break up with baby’s father..maybe enlist your own family’s support in this

        Step two, ensure your career is on track and your baby has good carers when you are working

        Step three – you approach this new relationship as an independent woman and mother, standing on her own two feet as much as possible.

        Now comes the warning note…NO you should not have cheated, that was not kind..it is up to you whether you tell your baby’s father..however, you are splitting up because he is too young for all of this…and in some ways you may find he is relieved to regain his freedom.

        You MUST allow him to see his child and NOT replace him as her father

        Lastly, do NOT get pregnant again by this new man..take proper precautions..and when you are ready to make these decsions and changes, keep your family informed, they have helped you and deserve to know what you are planning.

        I hope that helps?

        Tammy

        • Maria.

          Dear T,
          Your words really helped me and now I even feel relieved because I was finally able to tell someone. I was always made it clear to Isabella’s father that he is always going to be the father as along as he wants to be. If the day came thay he decides to leave her then he is not allowed to come back into our lifes until Isabella wishes to develope her relationship with her father again, but that would be her decision not mine. I am no one to take her father away from her. With the guy that I cheated it I have already made it clear to him that Isabella already has a father and that he can cannot take his place. I also made it clear that I will be married and have more kids AFTER I finish my career in nursing and he agrees. As far as my family knowing, they know the just the surface of the situation but they do not know that I cheated. I will take your advise on keeping them informed because your right, they deserve to know. As far as becoming pregnant, I learned my lesson the first time and even though I have mirena, I always use protection now. I’ll keep in mind on taking thing slow because like you said, I don’t want to make the same mistakes. Thanks for listening to me and giving me an honest answer, just know that it really means a lot to me.

          • Anonymous

            Dear Maria
            I truly wish you happiness, and am glad I was able to help in some way.

            Tammy

    • Gina

      Here’s a theory as to why men cheat . . . because they are insecure about themselves.  They get an ego boost when a woman is attracted to them.  It’s a terrible way to get an ego boost because it destroys many lives.  (wife, children, grandchildren)  He has a choice and he needs to be a man and show respect for his wife.  If he is not happy in his marriage, he needs to work on that first.  If things don’t get better, then he needs to leave the marriage and then move on to another relationship.  That is the respectful, mature thing to do.

      Let me tell you, from experience, what a man’s cheating does to a woman.  I have recently found out that my husband of 22 years has been cheating on me.  And I am finding out that it has been going on longer than I thought.  I was a stay at home mom.  I raised our 2 children, who are now adults.  I went back to work about 13 years ago and have been working ever since.  I do NOT look the same as I did 22 years ago.  (Duh!!!)  Neither does he.  I exercise regularly and lead a productive life.  I have suspected something was going on for years, but could never prove it.  He was very good at covering his tracks.  So, all of those years of wondering has broken me down.  It has lowered my self esteem and made me think that I am not worth being truly loved.  To think about him with another woman broke my heart.  

      Like most women, I gave up so much of me to raise our kids.  I stayed home, cleaned the house, cooked the meals, took care of the yard, and did my very best to make it a happy home.  My life revolved around my husband and my kids.  Everything I did was for them.  My life was put on hold.  (I now realize that was not the right thing to do.)  I was very dedicated to them.  To find out, all these years later, that while I was home raising kids, cooking dinner, cleaning the house, etc. he was out having sex with other women, is very demeaning.  

      He has taken away my future.  At this time in our lives, our house would have been paid off and we should be planning trips to Europe or Mexico.  We should be growing old together, getting ready for grandkids (eventually).  He has taken away my security.  

      My husband and I have been legally separated for over 6 months.  I have been keeping a journal, seeing a counselor and talking with friends.  This is the hardest thing I have ever been through and will take me years to get through.  It has changed who I am.  I will never be the carefree, trusting person I was before.

      I will make it though.  It may take me a while, but I will be okay.  I am going back to school so I can get a job to support myself.  It will probably take me 5-7 years since I am working 40 hours a week, but I will do it, in spite of him!!

      • Anonymous

        Dear Gina
        methinks your husband is the loser in this situation..he treated a decent woman badly, his family will hate him for it and the woman he betrayed has shown just how amazing she is!
        It may be small comfort, but when rated for happiness, married men and single women were the happiest people around..and the reverse is same for unhappiness….

        It would seem that despite their lousy behavior, men are happiest married, most unhappy single. Women on the other hand find marriage quite miserable and are happiest on their own!
        You WILL make it Gina – you are remarkable and strong…and THANK YOU for sharing your story!

        Tammy

      • Celestine

        Gina,
        I, too, just found out my husband of 10 years having an affair with my friend 2 months ago.
        Same here, housewife, caring for the chidren.  Now, I am taking 1 day at a time and finding myself.  I seem to been lost in the day to day stuff I forgot to take a look inside.  Before I can heal from the inside out I need to reconnect with my soul.  Once that happens I will be able to see clearer and know what path I must choose.

        • Anonymous

          Well said Celestine!
          it is often the case that we cannot resolve relationships until we know ourselves..a truly balanced relationship is one between two strong and secure people..

          I love that phrase, “reconnect with my soul” it is just so applicable and true..
          I wish you well on your healing journey

          Tammy

      • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ACNDEWYF3G2AHKW4VXNYMZPI5A R

        Gina,
        Your story sounds a lot like mine. I devoted 28 years of my life to my husband and five children. A few years ago, my husband started talking to women online…mostly in Manila and Hong Kong. Since then, he’s been “in love” with several different women and flown overseas to meet with several of them. He always comes home, regrets leaving, wants to make our relationship work and makes promises that he can never fulfill. I’ve been stupid enough to hang on to the smallest thread of our marriage because I loved him so much.
        This year was the turning point for me…I finally had enough, now I just don’t trust him with my heart. Financially, I can’t support myself but that’s not stopped me from moving forward. I’ve since moved out of our bedroom (still the same house), started taking some classes online and I’m filing the divorce papers. Our children are finally grown and have been very supportive, they wonder why it took me so long.
        I think more women should be independent and not rely on their husbands for everything as I did for so many years.
        Best wishes to you.

        • Anonymous

          Dear R
          good for you! In a years’ time you will wonder why you did not do this sooner..and the woman who looks back at you in the mirror will be much happier!

          Good luck

          Tammy

    • David Edward Oliver

      The reason men cheat is because it is in our nature to do so. Primates tend to be polygamous so naturally our evolutionary past is responsible?

      • Anonymous

        RUBBISH!
        EVOLUTION>>>means change..and our brains are supposed to be the mightiest organ, not our…*****!

        Tammy

      • Lalaslal

        ummm EXCUSE ME BUDDY… if you are a 17 year old pubescent teenager than i excuse you… somewhat. but SERIOUSLY? There has GOT to be a breaking point when men start using their brain instead of their penis. You may be physically mature, but you possess the immaturity of a 14 year old who masurbates all the freaking time and dumps his girlfriend cause her breasts are too small. is that explicit enough?

    • Rbrimer

      The reason men cheat is simple,men cheat because they want VARIETY! Take for example, some of the stars out the with damn pretty women, they have fame and money, but they are still men, they cheat with women that are not as pretty as compare to what they have. Guys get bored with thesame stuff and just wanna try something new.

      • Anonymous

        Dear R
        yes, boredom is often what men cite as the reason for cheating..but it is rarely that simple..and there are men married to the same woman for decades who NEVER cheat..so it is not the only reason and not applicable to all men!

        Tammy

        • Jennifer Lamb

          Sometimes I wonder if it isn’t that simple. I think men aren’t all that complicated.  Women often give up so much of themselves for men. When they lose themselves, and stop doing the things they love, I think it makes them less attractive to men. No one deserves to be cheated on, but couples seem to get into a rut. I do believe men need women to ‘shake it up ‘ and do something different, and they don’t always know how to say so. Get a makeover, take a class, find your passion, lose the weight. As Sherry Argov says ‘Safe’ + ‘Boring’ + ‘Mama’= ‘No Spark’.      Be unpredictable.  We have to listen to men and stop overanalyzing every particle of what they say, thinking it’s more complicated than it is. But if someone’s a sex addict, that’s a horse of a different color.  

          • Anonymous

            Dear Jennifer
            Excellent comment!!! I so agree with you..and am actually in the middle of writing a book about women who “lose themselves” in a relationship! What you say rings very true for me!
            Tammy

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_HJJ6VJTVMAEMFI2WRRO5A3EZBY ljth624

      Two weeks after filing for a divorce this summer, a longtime friend of ours started calling me and texting me encouraging messages. He has been in a troubled marriage (everyone in our circle of friends knows that) for 20 yrs,w/ two children- one married and one getting ready to graduate from high school. He started telling me he liked from the minute he met me and was always jealous of my husband. The man and I have always gotten along extremely well but I never thought about it beyond that. He can recall everything about me, each time we ever even ran into each other, even what I was wearing at a gathering we were both at about 20 yrs ago. It progresses and got out of hand so quickly, and we were both scared. Neither of us could ever ‘seal the deal’ physically but everything else happened. I have never cheated on my husband or with a married man and he hasn’t cheated on his wife until now.  He would call 3 times a day, texted and even asked if he were free would I consider marrying him. Then all of a sudden he lost his job and he focused on that until he got another one which has him out of town 4-5 days a week. He wants me to ‘wait’ until his youngest is out of high school…but now he almost never calls, never text, and when he is in town I never see him…and rightly so…he is married. So why is it that every time I try to break it off he doesn’t want too? He says ‘be patient’ and ‘it will all work out, you’ll see’? It isn’t like we are having sex, or there is an exchange of anything really but maybe a few text here and there and a call now and then. I don’t get it. Confused and sad…

      • Anonymous

        Dear L
        STOP THIS NOW! You are playing with fire and you know it! If this man wants to end his marriage that is his business..but do you want to end yours?

        Let me make something clear…men rarely leave a relationship without another one lined up..they rebound very quickly into another relationship which frequently does not last. Women on the other hand are more likely to leave a man with no other man on the horizon..they leave to find themselves (having got lost in the relationship) or because the man has hurt them so badly they do not want to be in any relationship!

        This man has flattered you with his attention..he probably remembers more details from your encounters than your husband does and that is very powerful! He is looking for a way out..and his attention is intoxicating..now he has a different focus, a new job..which he has to feel is secure before he does anything else..BUT, that is HIS business, not yours.

        What on earth are you expecting from this? Why are you not concentrating on what is wrong in your own marriage? You are not a teenager anymore..stop behaving like one!

        If you feel your own marriage is in trouble, focus on that..stop fantasizing and stop taking this terrible risk..

        You are not truly trying to break it off because if you were it would be over…so END IT NOW. Do not take his calls, delete his number, tell him you have your own marriage to sort out..and let him get through his divorce without your input..this is an emotional affair with very shaky foundations and the potential for enormous harm.

        Stop dreaming….I am your reality check!

        Tammy

    • Lost Cause?

      rried to my husband for 7 years together for 12 and we have three children together. He’s been cheating on me since 2002 (yes before we got married) He vowed to stop- how dumb of me to believe him. We’ve moved to a different area and the cheating, so I thought, stopped. I was getting the same vibes that I did when we lived in a different state. I asked and he denied. So I started to check our phone bill, email acct and his other messaging accounts to see if I was imagining things. I was right. Although he says it was just talk. With at least 10 different women in the last 5 years he recevied and sent sexual images, written things that he would like to do to them etc. It’s easier, and cheaper to stay. I still love him and we’ve tried everything and he wont stop. So now my mind is simply around finding a companion. Sex is not an issue at all with my husband. So I’m not looking for a man to have sex with. Maybe someone to keep my mind off of what my husband is doing because I’m all out of answers. He doesnt want to leave- I don’t want him to leave, nor can we afford to be a part. Not too mention our boys would be devastated. So should I find someone or not? I mentioned this to him when I caught him in the act via computer on Friday and his response was “if that’s what you want to do, I just don’t want to know.”

      • Anonymous

        Dear Lost
        how unbearably sad…and I am at a loss to say much more than what have you tried so far?
        You say you have tried and he won’t stop..is it physical cheating now or the messages and images..without contact?
        I am a little confused..you guys are having sex still..but you want a companion???

        It seems as if your husband is experimenting with an open marriage..but you have not talked this through..WHY ARE YOU TWO TOGETHER? Money? The children? Convenience?

        NO – I am not going to “give you permission” to find someone else..because you and I know that if you go looking..it will end up being sexual or you will feel terrible..or you will find someone to care for and you will leave your husband..

        You are married..if he will not behave like a husband..then your choices are..stay with him, put up with his sexting and semi porno approach..OR Leave him, OR cheat back..but I will not advise any of these actions..until you answer your own questions..IS this cheating physical or is it fantasy?
        Ask yourself honestly..WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM THIS MARRIAGE?

        Then, stop accepting this situation and TELL HIM TO STOP OR YOU KICK HIM OUT…It is not a question of he does not want to leave…to hell with what he wants..stop being a doormat..threaten him and stick to it..

        Tammy

    • liz

       i been married for 3yr, but been with the same guy for ten years,we have 4 kids together we were fine but then out of nowere i stop loving him, i have told him many times how i feel about him but he keeps saying he still loves me i ask how can u love someone that dont love u but he says nothing, then one night i was with a friend and well i cheated with this friend its been about 2 months and i really like this friend what do i do should i tell my husband about this or not?

      • answer

        stop stringing your husband along because the answer is clear in your comment. you told him you don’t love him and you cheated. that isnt what marriage is about, and you should do whats best for both of you and end it. give yourself a chance to meet someone new. and him as well.

      • Buddha

        I would also suggest do read ”Women’s Infidelity” Part I and II (hefty $63 including shipping wihin US) but woth reading to understand what is happening to you.  I am a man and my wife is having emotional affair.  Since I was paying $150/hr to not that impressive Marriage counselor (his ability in my mind, but I am willing to change my opinion), I thought why not make anothr investment of half of that.

        I am also curious to know if Tammy is aware of thse books -Women’s Infidelity by Michelle Langly.  She is not psychiatrist by profession but a researcher. In any case, It helped me a lot (does not mean it will change anything.. since other half, who must also read it may not choose to read it!).  I am almost ready to finish her second book.

        Liz, You have just began the journy (<2 months). Get ready for a wild ride.  If you choose to read that book, post your impression here.  The book is more about Women's lifeccyle, why they get bored in marraige, so I would be curious to know how much it resonates with your story.

        Also worth reading "Stumbling on Happiness".  First 255 pages were boring for me, since I was familiar with most of that stuff, but the second half (actual studies) were very enlightening.

        Best

      • Anonymous

        Liz
        you have 4 children, you have a husband who loves you..you have stopped loving him??? You have told him this???
        You have cheated and now you want to tell your husband..presumably to PROVE you don’t love him anymore? How cruel do you want to be? How much hurt, pain and emotional damage do you want to inflict?

        Go see a counselor..at least TRY for goodness sake..don’t you think that 10 years and 4 kids is worth TRYING for?

        Tammy

    • confusedelle

      So the older I get the more infidelity truly bothers me deep down. It makes me sick to my stomach and I fear being cheated on so much. I think it’s the worst thing you can do in a relationship other than abuse (even though it is somewhat a form of emotional abuse) and I already struggle enough with trusting men. Apparently if you don’t trust the first man in your life, your father, you will struggle to trust the rest. This completely rings true. I’ve read various forms of advice where the person is advised to possibly work through it with their partner. I really want to know: Is that really, truly possible? If the person loved you deep down to the core, would they honestly cheat on you, emotionally or physically. When you love someone you’re supposed to feel complete. If you at any point don’t, even if you’ve hit a rough patch, then you couldn’t possibly love that person like you thought you did. I think slight temptations or being a little drunk or whatever the excuse is, is bullshit. Man or woman, you can so easily keep it in your pants just as easily as you stop yourself from many other things in life you want to do, but simply cannot. So really, what is the point of working through it? I think I’d rather be alone than stay with some one that cheated. Am i wrong?

    • Tpfoy

      Tammy,
      I cheated on my wife.  We have been married 14 years and have 2 wonderful children.  I look back to the incident and I cannot pinpoint what was missing from our relationship.  I love my wife and kids.  They are the world to me.  I can’t imagine my life without them in it.  My wife has made it clear that she wants to save our marriage.  I have sought counseling from a priest as well as a professional counselor.  We have also been to couples counseling.  This rollercoaster ride is just eating me apart.  I want to do everything I can to heal her heart and take away her pain.  I pray for her daily.  What else can I do?  I know it will take time.

      • Anonymous

        Dear T
        it is not necessarily that something was missing from your relationship..more that you perceived something was missing for you.. and also the opportunity to cheat when it arises can appeal for a mixture of very complicated reasons!
        At the most basic level, it is sometimes a sense of wanting some risk and excitement, and sometimes simply that you can..and frequently men and women think nobody will find out!

        Your counseling should, at some point make your reasons clearer..but it takes some time and also you may need to admit some unpleasant truths to yourself..it is not easy but it needs to be done in order to avoid this happening again!

        If you drop me an email directly..I will send you my Guide for Cheating Husbands..this may help you to understand what your wife is going through and how you can make steps towards helping her to heal.

        You may also want to subscribe for updates and the free ebook..I think if you showed your wife that you were looking for answers, not just through counseling, and maybe you read the guides together..it may help you both to talk this through..and perhaps make a few more steps in the right direction.

        Yes, it will take time, and yes you will hit bumps in the road..but keep faith that you can eventually heal the wounds..and be very grateful that your wife wants to save your marriage..you will succeed if you do this together.

        Thinking of you

        Tammy

        • Tpfoy

          Tammy,

          Thanks for the quick response.  I already downloaded the ebook.  I read it and I will show it to my wife tomorrow.  We have been to couples counseling and I am seeing a separate counselor by myself.  I can’t explain how grateful I am that she wants to keep me in her life.  I will send you an email to get the other literature from you.

          Thanks for listening.

          Tim

    • Buddha

      Tammy,

      My wife is having an emotional affair (over long distance) with one of her colleague.  We were in great marriage with a kid until year ago, before she came in contact with him. He is around 45 (same age as her) and never married.  Now suddenly, my wife has realization that our marriage was on the rocks since last 10 years (we are married for 17 years).

      We had our first joint session with marriage counselor.  I wonder if you have any advice or thigns to share from your experience.

      Regards

      • Anonymous

        Dear B
        this is very hard for you to take, but it is good that you are in counseling. The trouble with an emotional affair, especially over a long distance is that it is a little too close to fantasy and far removed from reality! This man does not see her after a bad nights sleep, and she does not see him when he has a streaming cold or is late for work and harassed!

        Your wife is not necessarily saying your marriage was on the rocks… she s realizing that for her something has been missing, and although this man is able to only show her the good side, she obviously was missing something within the marriage for her to be attracted to him.

        Firstly, do not go into counseling looking to blame anyone..you two are there to repair the marriage and move forward, hopefully together, and it may be a different sort of marriage. This is not necessarily a bad thing, people change and the best marriages adapt to changes.

        Secondly, listen…do not react immediately to what she says, listen first and then ask her questions..but not in anger..she will get defensive!
        You are trying to find out what she thinks is missing, what she feels is a good marriage and how she thinks it needs to change…

        You will have your chance to express your feelings and you need to be honest but not unpleasant! Tell her what about her makes you happy, and what about your marriage that makes you feel good/bad.

        You are allowed to say it hurts that she should confide in this other man, and ask why she did not tell you how she feels?

        In the end, you need to decide whether your marriage can work in a new way or whether you are uncomfortable with what she wants …BUT it is important that she sees the marriage as including your child, and how you two will handle your child’s reaction to all this.

        I would ask her what is so different about the last 10 years as opposed to the first 7 years..don’t accept vague statements, ask her to be specific, because you need to know what you are up against!

        I do hope that counseling can help you both find answers…and don’t forget, this is your chance to change how you BOTH handle your marriage..it takes TWO.

        Do let me know if there is anything else I can help you with..remember healing a marriage takes time, so do not expect a sudden change, or a magic wand…counseling is only the start of the journey. I wish you lots of luck and do write again if you have any further questions.

        Tammy

        • Buddha

          Thanks Tammy.

          Before writing, I read about other people and liked what you wrote back.  I am not taking it as something only she did wrong.  There has to be a reason that pushed her so much to do what she did.  I felt sad that she did not feel like discussing it with me, considering that we have (had?) such a trusting relationship.

          All she kept on asking me (before we went for our first session) is to free her from the relationship.  She will still take good care of our kid and that we will still ensure that we raise the kid right!  I told her that I was not holding her in any way and if she wanted to do something (e.g. file for divorse) she could do it anyway.

          Still the story is between us two and I hesitate to tell my friends her extended family and my family.  I worry that once the story is out, even if we repair our marriage and she might have to live with that blot.  Interestingly, while she does not explicitly says anything, she is so much into the excitment of of her emotional affair that she acts as if she does not care. Therefore I thought to be rational and hold onto it.  If it progresses her way, world will know it anways.  Where is the hurry!

          Reg. your suggstion, I willl do it (ask specific diff. of last 10 vs first 7 years).  I think it is her defense to justify her emotional affair (I could be dead wrong).  She wants to convey (including Marriage counselor) that her current love (affair) has nothing to do with the problem between her and myself and that problem existed for 10 years.. the same 10 years, when we bought a new house and another one (recently) totallly after her choice, same 10 years where she wanted to have a baby and we had it and we raised her together – with equal efforts and care -which she agrees.

          Anyway, my brain gets tired thinknig of it.  I have one on one with Counselor this week and she does the same (one on one) this week too.  We come back together for our 3rd session end of next week.

          I will keep you updated.

          Thanks again for the support,

          B

          • Anonymous

            Dear B
            you are right at this stage to keep it between the two of you, it does make it hard to repair a marriage in the glare of family and friends disapproval! However, you do need a friend, not just a counselor, so I think you should find someone to talk to..it does help.

            You may well be right that her affair is clouding her judgment..it makes her feel special, but it is unlikely to be the case if it were close to home and based in reality..she clearly feels she is missing excitement in her life but this is a dangerous risk she is taking..she is lucky that you are still there fighting for the marriage!

            Just remember that whatever happens, you have a wonderful child that you both love..and that she is a product of the two of you and love made her…she is lucky to have you for a father!

            Do let me know how it goes, and good luck!

            Tammy

            • Buddha

              Tammy,

              I had my one-on-one session with the counselor.  I have to admit that I was expecting lot more to happen, discussion, what could be done different, different options, his past experiences.  Our first sessions together with him was encouraging.  This one was far below my expectation, so it was interesting when he asked me at the end,”what I thought of this -today’s session?” without guilt I could answer ‘NOT much”.

              He spent lot of time talking about how I should contact a good lawyer (which I will definitely planned on doing if time comes for that.. and I won’t wait and be surprised at the last min), but his basic message (may be correct from his perspective) was “why are you wasting time if she wants to wreck her life.  Try to save your daughter and move on”.  He did not quite say it in those words but that was the essence of what he was saying.  Of course he has more experience with these things so I respect his judgement.  After my comment he was taken aback a little and then said that during his session (one on one) with my wife, he will try to make her aware of what a disaster she is getting herself into and see her resonse.  The way he was talking to me , I was not sure if it was some psychiatric technique he was applying to see where I might be heading in terms of my actions.  I am just guessing.  Over all less than desired session.  Oh well, for now – wait and watch.

              • Anonymous

                Dear B
                whew…I guess he was trying to help you prepare for your wife being uncooperative in the save the marriage stakes!
                Perhaps he has underestimated your determination to fight for your relationship? I do understand the practical logic of ensuring you have a good lawyer and focusing on what is best for your daughter. Certainly I would hate to have you caught on the hop if your wife is determined to leave the marriage, and it would be a disaster if you lost contact with your child..so I think he is offering good advice in terms of be prepared.

                I know it is frustrating for you, as you are clearly a man of action and want to move forward, plus I dare say you are concerned that the longer she lives in this fantasy world the harder it will be to save the marriage.

                I would follow his advice, but with your own reservations intact! Until you hear it from your wife..right now you are still trying to save your marriage and your family..whilst being realistic and exploring the options if she does not come to her senses..your daughter needs you and she needs her mother, ideally together..but if that is not to be..she must be able to see you both equally and without recriminations..so, yes, be prepared, but do not give up..it is a long journey you are embarking on, and your counselor is trying to make sure you both are being realistic!

                Good luck, thinking of you

                Tammy

    • torn

      My boyfriend of 8 years just starting staying out all night.  He is a musician so it didn’t worry me @ first.  My gut is telling me that he isn’t being honest.  How do I know for sure without having to check up on him.  I don’t have the energy to be that way.  Any suggestions ?
      @04880b016357d7834cca656e8f057f65:disqus 

      • Anonymous

        Dear Torn
        firstly, know that 85% of women whose “gut” told them there was a problem were right! Our instincts are very good..mostly because we subsconsciously process quite a few indicators without realizing it.
        This is a change in behavior and you are right to be suspicious! The first step is simply to ask him, why is he NOW staying out all night, what has changed in his “work” that requires him to stay away from you all night????

        I know that it seems easy for me to say simply ask him..but the longer you don’t the more he will think you have just acceped it and he doesn’t have to explain himself..if he is cheating on you then he will be mighty relieved you are not asking awkward questions..if he isn’t cheating on you he may wonder why you haven’t asked him!!

        You will be able to tell some more by watching his reaction to your questions..if he becomes defensive and angry and turns the question on you..he has something to hide (although it may not be cheating..it could be he is doing another job secretly to make some money and is embarassed..or it could be he is meeting other musicians to try and network etc..lots of possibilities).
        You will not know until you ask..so ASK..it is not spying on him, it is a reasonable question..all night is not ok..late night is acceptable and part of his business..

        The other basic checks you can do are send him a text occasionally , see if he responds..or call him and be friendly and see whether he wants some food made for him etc..be smart..you have a right to talk to him, even if it is late, he is your boyfriend!!!!

        Let me know how it goes..there are other suggestions but for now..start talking to him.. good luck

        Tammy

        • torn

          Thank you but I found out what I needed to know tonight.  My gut was right. He has now tried to turn it around on me.  Funny that he actually wants to come home tonight.  He can sleep out in the rain at this point.  He is coming to get some of his things in the morning which has me concerned.  His temper is bad.  I just wish I could get a friend to be here, but who wants to be part of that mess.  Wish me luck … I’m gonna need it.

          • Anonymous

            Dear T
            a good friend will not much care about being part of your “mess” – if you are concerned..get someone to be there with you! SERIOUSLY…or you could just put all his stuff into a bag, and have it by the door, and hand it to him..I mean it, if you are worried he will cause a scene or get violent, DO NOT BE ALONE!

            I am so sorry you are having to deal with this..but please let me know that you are ok?
            Stay safe..

            Thinking of you
            Tammy

    • clark_kim

       I think my husband tried to have sex with a family member.  The family member waited an entire year before telling me.   I am confused of who to believe and should I leave my husband.  I have a child to think about as well as two step children.

      • Anonymous

        Oh K
        what a dilemma..but I wonder why should this family member lie? They waited a year to tell you, probably stressing about whether they should or not, and now they have told you, part of you wants to believe or hope it is untrue.
        Now, they have said “tried” to have sex, i.e. your husband was prepared to cheat on you…not that he DID cheat on you, however, the intent was there.. or are they saying that he was prepared to force himself on them?

        These are two different scenarios..both hurtful and worrying. Ask this family member why they think you needed to know this now, and not then? has something else happened, do you think that your husband has a roving eye, do you feel uncertain as to whether he is being faithful or not?
        You don’t leave a marriage because of a suggestion or what someone else says..you leave a marriage after trying to repair it and only when it fails completely..so do not talk about leaving your husband at this point..

        Is there anybody else who can verify this story? Are you brave enough to ask your husband or do you think it will become he says, she says? Can you tell when your husband is lying?

        If you want to know his side of the story, then ask him, and don’t pussyfoot around, be direct, look him in the eye and ask, “Did you try to have sex with X on …_____’…at ____?” add in as much detail as you know..it gives your husband less wriggle room..he is more likely to tell the truth if he thinks you have all the details already!

        Then, you have to live with the answer…and decide whether, if he denies it, you believe him… after that you take the next steps..

        Your children are very important but only you can decide whether you can live with not knowing or whether you should ask him for the truth..and remember, most of the time (85%) women’s instincts about their partners’ infidelity are correct!

        Let me know how it goes?

        Tammy

      • Ivecas68

        If you feel in your heart it happened then it did. It happened to me, years later after the fact my brother told me cuz he got into a heated argument with my now ex husband and he spilled his guts out and told me. Apparently, my ex told my brother as a “Guy thing” thinking he would never say anything to me. I always had a feeling I swear out of no where one time this weird feeling came over me and for years I doubted. She was family more his than mines, I immediately went to her house brought her to mines called her husband(my brother inlay at the time) sat them down together with my ex husband including my brother and asked her in front of everyone. All I needed to see was her reaction to confirm. Never spoke to her again, never was the same with my marriage and finally I divorced him with a 3 year old son. I didn’t waist time for anyone to gather their thoughts. Follow your heart and gut feelings. Good luck!

    • Rachael

      Yes, they do! Most men say that they cheat because their wives does not satisfy them in bed or not sexual enough. When most women get married, they become conservative and call some sexual activities “slutty”, well men go out of their marriage to look for women who would do such “slutty activities”

    • neka20

      im going thru problems with my boyfriend.in i really think dat he is cheating on me wat should i do help me please.

      • Prettycuban19

        Well, I was going thru the same, and he end it up not cheating but having a baby with his lover, and then he told me that baby wasn’t his, I had that same feeling you have now, and look what happened!!

        • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_QMXDI3VDIU6KDCRE4DSMNE5FCU veronica

          The same happened to me. I was getting suspicious about one of his co workers and turns out now shes pregnent with his child. It was devastating when i found out, but you know what at least i get to walk away clean from this mess while they have to deal with raising a child who is goin to grow up with separated parents because according to him he doesnt love her and does not plan on being with her. She will end up struggling more than me, but i dont care she should of thought about what she was getting into when she decided to mess around with a guy who had a girlfriend of 8 years.

    • Mistress

      Btw is there a particular reason you prefer jersey mistress and i post on your forum page instead of this one? Is this your “healing” page? LoL. I think if these cheated wives read the mistress’s point of view they might get a little more insight on their husbands indefility. They might be able to “read between the lines” and catch their husbands affair.

      • http://www.surviveinfidelityhq.com Tammy

        Hi
        no reason other than it is getting quite hard to read all the comments as there are so many!! I was hoping that everyone would start using the forum and then people would find it easier to track back each thread and see all the comments related to one story..it gets confusing in this comment format to see who has answered what!

        Mike has started posting on the mans voice bit so people can read a mans’ point of view. Thereare some great discussions going on through the comments but if you are a new visitor it can be quite hard to work out who is saying what to who!!

        I totally agree, your viewpoint is really helpful for women, but you would have to scroll quite a long way down to find your first comment now! Yet that is just as helpful now as when you first posted it.

        I am new to a lot of this technical stuff and am trying to make the forum work..so all suggestions gratefully received!

        Tammy

    • Mistress

      I did post on your forum however no one else has posted so uff

    • Mistress

      I don’t think there is a definate, exact answer as to why men cheat. Only they would know. Wives: how about you just ask your husband why he cheated lol :)

      When i was cheated on by a boyfriend 4 years ago I never once blamed myself or felt it was partially my fault. We both worked, i came home to cook, clean, wash and still pleasure my so-called husband. Of course when he slept with a broad for $50 (while he was high on coke) I was disgusted with him then I laughed then kicked him out. I knew as his woman, lover and friend i never failed so why was i going to cry over a loser who didn’t value me? I’ve seen him around a few times and he’s told me he regrets how he did me wrong but as we talk i see how he’s still drinking and doing coke so i did myself a favor and moved on. I still laugh how he’s still a loser :)

      • Tammy

        Hi Mistress
        would you do me a favor..can you go and post in our forum..special forum just for you and Jersey!!

        Thanks
        Tammy!

      • Sleiman70

        I am in same boat my partner of 8 years cheated on me twice and I busted him both times , the first was a young girl they slept together and the second girl from gym we both go to, I confronted her bout her number in his phone and she told me everything but they didn’t sleep together “yet”.when I confronted him he turned on me and said he did it cos I l

        • Sleiman70

          He said he did it cos I look that was his pathetic excuse , It wasn’t the sex cos ours was great I am better looking than him and smarter and both girls he cheated with were gutter trash and he still blames me , does anyone hv an answer for me

          • Anonymous

            Dear S
            ok am trying to piece together your two emails..are you saying that your boyfriend’s excuse was that you are better looking than him? Because, if so, what he is actually saying is that you make him feel inadequate and sleeping with “gutter trash” is his revenge!

            You say you are smarter and better looking than him..so why are you with him? Why have you not found someone else who is smarter and better looking?

            Ask yourself, what do you want from this relationship? is it to feel superior to your partner?

            Decide, are you hurt because of the betrayal or because he chose “cheap” girls to sleep with and then blamed you for making him feel inferior?

            If you put him down and remind him he is stupid in comparison to you..he will cheat…that’s a no brainer!
            I am not excusing him..he should stand up to you and remind you why you two are together..as long as you two are together for the right reasons you can fix this..or else..move on, find someone smarter and better looking!

            Tammy

    • Michele

      Ok you are all making me nuts with the ridiculous analysis here. As women we tend to overanalyze everything. The answer to why men cheat is as simple as one sentence & im going to guesstimate this rings true with about 75% of married me in society today. Men are as faithful as their options. Thats it. Period. Case closed.

      • Tammy

        OUCH!
        Their options??? Hey I think you are being unkind to men Michele, are you saying if they happen to have available women around them then they will cheat?
        I challenge you…go and do our quiz..see how many questions you get right..
        Tammy

    • lizzie

      Hi tammie. I just came here to say that u are amazing. I posted on aug 18 and u gave me great advice. Sometimes u need to hear things like that from a stranger. Just an update…i didnt go to therapy. Instead i bought a new car…it didnt help. I tried keeping myself busy. I went to the mall and bumped into an ex bf that i dated in 2007. I did not see him but he stopped me and said hi. It was so funny bcuz back when i was with him i was so miserable when we broke up. I had no choice but to forget bcuz he was in iraq and had no contact. Its funny how they say time heels all wounds. It really does. With the relationship i wrote about on aug 18,im doing good. Im doing better things with my life. I donated money to st judes children and i want to do volunteer work with elderly people. I feel so strong and something that has really helped me is keeping a journal. Its theraputic and relieving. I justvwant to say thanks for the fast response. U r wonderful and people here should know that. Its hard for me to move on but i am looking forward and not behind. I looked at myself in the mirror one day and realuzed that i value myself too much to give him a chance and be miserably wondering what he was doing when i wasnt there…or if that beep from his phone came from a girl. Im stronger everyday. We wete great for 3 yrs but it wasnt meant to be. I am also excited to soon start working. I am entering my 2nd yr as a teacher and kids just keep me strong and keep me moving. Thanks again. : ). Sincerely,Lizzie

      • Tammy

        wow Lizzie
        I am so glad to hear how well you are doing! Way to go girl..and what a fabulous stroke of fate that you met your ex boyfriend like that just when you needed to be shown that time does heal..

        I have told a few of the women on here that keeping a journal helps as so many women have said that it really does work to write things down.

        I think the world is going to be a better place having a strong Lizzie in it and those kids of yours are lucky to have you as a teacher.

        Thank you for your kind words..and once again, I am so glad to hear from you, and so proud of you too!

        Keep smiling and looking forward..

        Thanks for making me smile too, so nice to hear of a positive outcome

        Tammy :)

    • Lily

      Sorry I was using my iPod so it miss spelled some word downtown means “doesn’t know”. Also if u r Hanna answer my post or want to write me n email go of this one. Cause I’m not sure if the 1st one was right thx

      • Tammy

        Lily
        I wrote to you as requested..
        …………….for the people reading this..my thoughts are that Lily needs to be very clear about what she wants and start thinking of how her children see this relationship, with their mother being bullied and insulted and treated with such lack of respect!

        You do not deserve this Lily, you know you are better than this and he is using you in the most terrible way!

        Thinking of you

        Tammy

    • Lily

      I have been married for over 10 yrs. I’m 27, we have 2 kids 8, 5. Well long story short he hates my relatives, due to some family business that didn’t work out. And because I some what didn’t agree with him 100% about the business he felt like I wasnt on his side. An he says he can’t trust me because I screewed him up . It what ever. After that he has left me and our 2 kids for 2 mo. I cried all the time it was so hard for me because we both come from very conservative families . But we have Always had a hard relationship. When I was pregnant with our first child I found him looking at porn an always checking out other women. I talked to him about it but his reply was I’m a men. And I can’t help it. When our baby was 3 mo old I had divorse papers on the table he got really upset calledthe pastor to come talk to me. An like I said my thing is I always want and wanted to have a good nice family and a husband that truly cares about me . He was the best guy ever before we got married. Anyways, after that a the yr go by. I’m always hurt when he flirt with others or what ever but because I want t to work out I try my best to be a good wife n be there for him and kids. If I eve ask him about anything he tells me to stop sniffing around and stop bein like my father. Past 4 yrs we have been luving together, but he keeps telling me that he loves me as a wife an that if it wasn’t fir kids there is no way we would still be together. I worked and made deceit money and I was in school too. So now 10 yes into our marriage I’m a full time nursing student, I don’t work right now I depend on him. He is a great dad. Anyway he stRted hung these friends that r single and o out to clubs n bars. So he started going out with them, as long as I don’t say anythig he is fine with me. Home for dinner takes care of the kids while I’m studying n stuff. But when I told him that I don’t wNt him to go because that just leads to other thugs he was like my mother used to tell me what not to do, I’m a grown up now. So don’t tell me what to do. So he goes out every other fri and comes home like at two am. It breaks my heart, but his thing is u either deal with it or whatever. So basically he always acts as if I mean nothing to him. But them he brings flowers home. Gives me cash, spanks my butt gives me hugs, I also know that if I agreed to have a couple over to experience things that would just make his day. But I’m against things like that. I always believed that a marrige is between two people. So some if the things I know but, I just live with them. Well, yesterday while he took kids to the pool. I decided to ck his wallet to see if there r any recitPs from last night, since he was out till 2 . I dint find Any receipts, but I did find a condom. The one that we use at home, so I know where he got it, what I did is I wrote on it from both sides Why? And put it back where I found it( I decided I need to punch a hole in it like a big one with a paper puncher) so he will see it easier. So he still downtown know that I found it because last night he was nice n loving, gives me kisses before he leaves. So I get all these mixed things. But my thing is that why would a man have it in his wallet? He is obviously wanting to cheat, I have no Idea what to do, I really badly want us to stay together for kids , but I hate it when they ask him here were u last night , n he tells them not if ur little business . Also I ne’er know where n who is going with because he feels like he downtown need to tell me. It’s hard for me I can’t even concentrate in studying which I really need t0, My sister tells me to just go with it and finish school. But, I can’t even talk to him because he will get angry and then it will be like a crazy house at home and he wont talk to me , he will ignore me, n the is not how I want kids to see it. My biggest thing is that I do not trust him. Especially after that discovery. I know he is interested in the other life. Girls and parties. But if I leave I’m afraid that I’ll get depressed. And won’t be able to go on with school, but even now it’s hard because other things r on my mind. So can u plz tell me ur opinion about my situation. Should I just take my kids n leave I meant I know that I mean nothing to him. And that is how it always will be. I have my family close by so I know that they will help me. But it’s just hard for me because he is a great looking guy, he is a very nice man it’s just that he careless about me. When ever his friends tell him that he has a beautiful wife he tells them ” u want her” as a joke but it hurts me and makes me feel like I’m nothing. Plz help

    • Jerseymistress

      The reason I found this page is because I was looking for answers as to why they cheat n is nt the cheatin like I read from others is the luging all they put u trough for no gud human reason bt for their own ego pleasure or needs n as I was readin the mistress situation I said coincidence the man says wifey sick man here say same tht wifey sick n no they dnt sleep together in same room I dnt feel to happy bout vein mistres nt the way I found out things b4him I was married 18yrs I have2bwautiful daughters n yea I was cheated lots n I feel betrayed bt also Im a mistress sumtin I dnt sign up for whn I started dating him nor whn I moved in his apt I believe we were a couple n we were goin to marry eventually n little n far from wht he really is bout ladies truly the way my situation happen I’m in his apt cook clean be the perfect giirlfriend for a mature man like him since my kids are in their 20′s sex was so much since like I mention I dnt knw lots of things tht go on here nt evn the so called toys for u lnw well imagine hw naive I was yet like inwas sayin he has perfect wifey home fabulous kids n great job than he manage to have me to under the fake tht we was couple tht he was all bout wrk can’t say wht n who for he wrks because I dnt want to hurt her nor kids I’m soon to get out of this mess this man got me into I’m jst getting my things ready n in few months I’m out of his apt n his life n may god help her wit this man because I was his wmn his gf n look hw he did her n me instead of runin mouths n comments people should at least ask hw n why b4 they hurt wit words excuse me for this bt I was in both sides as wife gf if u wnt to say so n also as mistress n either way he cheats thn he’s the problm nt the wife me or anyother wmn bt him Thnks and again my apologies if tryin to survive my betrayal I found out I wasn’t being cheated on as wifey bt as a mistress I made tht comment n people jump to conclusion not knwin hw nor wht I’m still goin through is like anhorror movie I dnt wnt to Zee no more nt evry door or window I now dare go open I find out worst n worst for five yrs my love my trust my believe my faith my all I gave this man because I dint knw any bttr out here alone no1from my fam in this country I dnt have lots of friends bt jst a few one hand I can count n still have fingers lft he has fooled Lenin ways n put me trough things you wouldn’t imagine n to find out he was married all along tht whn he started dating me his baby girl was bein born n I dnt have a clue til she was almost2 please b4 passing judgement ask n help not every wmn outhtere likes to be a mistress nor inter to b one man is who cheat for their own pleasure

      • Tammy

        Hey there Jersey
        it is never as simple as one person being “bad” and the other “good”.
        You sound like you are hurting badly, lied to and conned and taken advantage of too, so he cheats you and his wife.
        There are men who take a mistress without the woman realizing they are married, and the men do it deliberately, they enjoy lying, they want the thrill.
        You are struggling with issues far more serious than this man and his lies. You were vulnerable because of your fears and your previous experience.
        You know you need to get out, literally, but you do need to ask for help my love, you cannot do this on your own.

        I don’t know if you have any family, or a church or a community around you, but it seems that being stalked, then being afraid, then falling for this man have trapped you and now you need to break free.

        Find other people to spend time with, find a job, or do voluntary work like Lizzie is doing..most of all Jersey..

        FIND YOUR SELF ESTEEM!

        Do not live your life through this man, it is hurting a lot of people and it is destroying you!

        Tammy

    • Jersey mistress

      B4it gets out of focus I’ve been here for 5yrs n wit this u well said it piece of work man same five hrs I’m knw to all this things or types of relationships tht goes on here were I cum from never heard of those like fwb nsa sb sd and others tht I’ve learned along bt not fast enough being tht I had a stlaker 3mnths aftr I moved here to USA there for aftr surviving tht I would t dare go out if nt need it only day time n of course I wouldnt evn dream on goin out for fun at nite I meet him from the lady I use to babysit for n he was alot of important things at his job which I won’t mention for I dnt be come a mistress for fun nor amusement this man truly made b believe he wasn’t married n wnh I found out it was more thn 2yrs yet I was still inside my walls for fear of brim stalked again him being the player he is another term or whtebr they call it I’ve learned here oh as well as sexting tht I dnt hear of bak home n yes we have cel phones n pc bt whn it chums to relations either single married div boyfriend grlfrnd
      Or yes they cheat a lover bt hey he made me believe I was basically his wifey his wmn ill continue later rite nw is to much hut I’ll say this ladies all along I have believed I was his wmn n thn I found out she n kids there now I knw I’m a mistress or nt evn bt a bc summing else tht happens here n he is still doin same to her me n to whoevr is nxt ps this wk ive found out not only he have wife n kids bt tht she nevr was sick no were I be took Lon to find out truth bt I made it forgive me ladies but man cheat cuz they want punto y mas nada

    • mistress

      “Ojos que no ven corazon que no siente”-it basically means what you don’t know don’t hurt you. And a life can only get ruined if the affair was exposed. I’ve been nice enough to make sure his distant wifey doesn’t find out:)
      However she has seen my number on the cell bill many times but she won’t dare call me. He sleeps at their house, he pays her bills lol and she won’t even sleep in the same bed with him so whats a man to do? Yes karma is evil and i accept that but i don’t care about his wife lmao why don’t people understand that? I mean i’ve told him a few times to drop me and reconcile with wifey but he don’t lol. As far as being called a tramp lol omg that hurt lmao! Men will be men and i rather be the mistress than the wife being cheated on:). . . I’ve been cheated on before and yes it sucked but the world didn’t end:)

    • Jersey mistress

      Lmol hey Is my 1st time as mistress I dint knw he was married wit 2kids like mistress say I dnt care if he sayin true or nt I would nevr want to marry or move in wit a man tht cheats evn his own shadow lol I always wonder bout 3sum n all tht bt hey I survived n well as mistress all tht fun in 3sum mayb I’ll do evn bettr as for wifey I say this if I’m a mistress myself n yet I knw my job is to satisfy n pleasure him but also be aware of other things this how I realize he has found a new mistress bt of course is nt cuz sex ain’t wild kinky n fun bt cuz thts jst him a cheating liar man so if u dnt keep in check man will always find a way to enjoy here or there ain’t tht rite mistress lol

      • Tammy

        Hi Jersey and also Mistress!
        interesting watching your comments, although I suspect some of my readers are probably making voodoo dolls of you both!

        However, there are some nuggets of info in your comments, such as “It’s only sex” hmmm….that may be what it is for you and him..but for the wife it is betrayal, it is a kick in the teeth and it is a destruction of self-esteem.

        I agree, too many wives “blame” the mistress, as a way of dealing with the betrayal, and lets’ be fair..the husband is quite happy with this…blaming you ladies is a darn sight easier than taking responsibility for being a liar and a cheat!

        I find it somewhat ironic Jersey that your cheater is now bored and cheating sort of, on you! He sounds like a piece of work…and obviously does not like it getting too cosy..maybe he likes the thrill of lying to everyone, including you?

        I have no objection to you two ladies contributing to the comments on here..I like to see all sides being represented, I would ask that you are careful about the sexual references, the Internet police get jumpy about explicit comments..so ladies, watch the descriptions please!

        If you would like to continue your conversation where it is more highlighted…I have created a FORUM, ESPECIALLY FOR YOU!!! Check it out? You could start a really cool thread on there..??

        Regards
        Tammy

    • mistress

      jersey mistress :)
      Lol a 3some even 4some would be so fun haha . . . Yea i like being a mistress its like a high to know im desired and wanted. Forbidden fruit is now my favorite. I could care less if he don’t leave his wife. I wouldn’t want a lying, cheating man like him by my side lmao he’s only good for sex. If he wasn’t no way would i keep him around for 2 years and he loves the sex so much he’s also come back plentiful times. Wives : keep in mind-its only sex! Get mad at him not the other woman! Like miss jersey said- we’re single young sexy and having fun! Your husband is with you for whatever reason it may be but for sex they will most definately look for it if he can’t find it at home :)

    • mistress

      also as a mistress i don’t really care about the wife. I met him in a club because his wifey was recovering in another city with her parents as she had surgery. When she came back he still kept lookin for me! I have no regret nor care what goes on at his house. Our relationship was only sexual not more not less. Lol he told me she told him a woman called her telling her whats happened. Lmao i don’t even have her number! So of course he didn’t fall for it. It was fun lol knowing he was tied down but secretly desired me. And no i don’t have low self esteem bla bla bla i just don’t care. A mistress job is to please sexually and its what i did. Wives are always quick to put down the young sexy mistress but its not our fault your husbands love to eat whats not at home :p

      • Jersey mistress

        Omg ur situation just like mine his wifey was elsewhere wit parents on surgery but is been five yrs hey maybe is same married man lol I agree man is who cum looking for us so why the mistress get the blame if the committed is him not us ;@) stay sexy my respects from jersey jrm

        • Jersey mistress

          Also we kind a broken up bt I’m still at apt we share so he just dnt let go why can we do like you say they like to do why they can’t do home lol is so much more than why the wife will think rite

          • Jersey mistress

            Now I believe is not only me as mistress but theres another mistress hidden sumwere lol I wish I meet her so we can have fun jajaja

            • Chris

              So you are saying you are just a tramp and you think it is a joke to take part in ruining another life. Can you spell KARMA!!!

      • Rosa212506

        You bitches are called hoes and if they weren’t hoes like us men wouldn’t cheat dirty ass hoe! Your hurting a family and ya u don’t care cuz as I could read u have no respect for ur self bitch!!!

    • mistress

      my response to “a wife”. . . She doesn’t know. She suspects haha but she won’t call my number to confirm her husband is sleeping with a younger sexy female. . But yea i’m bored with him now so yea its over :)

    • mistress

      Ok so i have been with a married man for 2 years now. I’ve broken it off before but he always calls and i get weak. Yea i know its not right but yea whats done is done. I know he wont divorce but how can i let him go?

      • a wife

        maybe if u truly knew the pain u may cause on a wife.. u have no right this man…and all u our doing is blocking ur blessing and u self worth is very low…

      • Tammy

        Dear Mistress
        you CAN let him go, he is NOT YOURS TO HOLD ONTO!
        Go and get out and about with your friends, go see a lot of places and meet OTHER MEN. You will get over it, you are weak because each time you break it off, you wait for him to call you, which he does of course. This is not really breaking it off, it is you playing stupid mind games to see if he “truly” loves you, to see if this time round he will leave her which is absolute nonsense.
        STOP PLAYING STUPID GAMES. If you are out having fun, he can’t call you. Change your mobile, block his number

        GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE

        Tammy

    • Jacek

      Hi again. Ive kept up with the posts that i have seen and it makes me feel bad to think about what i have done… but anyways, i have talked to her and things are starting to get better. Now first off i am 14 going on to 15 (shocking huh) but with everything that i have been through my life has made me grow to be mature emotionally. And i can honestly say that I DO love her with all my heart… I know im young to say these things but i KNOW it isnt infactuaction, because i know the difference between the two. and i wont change my feelings no matter how much it seems like im too young… anywaysss she says that she wants to have an open relationship with me, and I dont want that at all. i stayed her because i want her and not 5 other girls. and i just want to keep her from having her heart broken by other people, and i couldnt stand seeing her with other guys… i hope you could give me an opinion on what i could do. Thanks for your consideration :)

      • Tammy

        Hey Jacek
        I think that the girl you are in love with may not be ready for a serious relationship. I doubt that she will be serious with you if she says she wants an open relationship. I think maybe she is a bit scared of getting serious at this age. You may be ready and mature, but she is not in the same place.
        You could date her, but she is likely to date oher boys too, I think if you are going to go ahead with this you need to be clear about what she means.
        An open relationship at your age does not involve sexual contact (I hope) but obviously there could well be kissing and affection, which from what you say, would hurt you if you thought she was doing this with other guys!

        All I can advise at this stage is that you stick to your principles and say, No I do not want to share you, so it is best we DO NOT DATE AT ALL…I think you have to let her get around to the idea that she misses you so much that she gives up the other guys for you.

        I have to be brutally honest here Jacek, if she does NOT miss you, and just wants to see you along with other guys then, SHE IS NOT THE GIRL FOR YOU.

        You are going to have to play a waiting game, and in the meantime, make friends with other girls (not date) because I think there will be a lot of girls out there who would appreciate a male friend who is as honest and true as you clearly are, now you have thought it all through!

        I do wish you luck, and although I do not advocate game playing, I think perhaps a little coolness on your part is called for here!!

        Tammy

        • Jacek

          Thanks for the help Tammy. And by open relationship she means that she could be with whomever she pleases. and she says that she doesnt want to lose me. so she doesnt want to commit… Yet. and for some clarification we have never really dated, but i wanted to wait till she could because i honestly believe that no other girls could be as amazing as she is. and even if i did the open relationship thing, i wouldnt try to date anyone. simply because i love her. and shes saying that im selfishly in love because i follow what i believe is best. and the only things ive ever done have been for the future of us. and i already have plenty of friends that are girls, and they all understand how i feel towards her; if they like me or not they help me fix problems like this… i feel like all i can do now is pray and hope for the best

    • NaTasha

      Actually, The baby turned out to NOT be his… Which of course made me feel worse

      • Tammy

        Natasha
        the baby not being his says more about the woman he slept with than him. However, from your point of view, be glad that you don’t have this extra complication, and will you stop beating yourself up woman! You have a right to feel wobbly about all this, you have a lot at stake!
        Take a deep breath and go find someone professional to talk to, who will not judge you but will help you to sort out your feelings.

        Keep your head high Natasha, it will get better

        Tammy

    • NaTasha

      Ive been married 2x.. They didnt end well… I have 3 beautiful children as a result from them.. I have dating my high school sweet-heart for the past 2 1/2 years.. Our first 10mos was fine until the truth came out.. He told me about a baby that could possibly be his. When we discussed everything I remained by his side.. I asked him if he knew about this sooner and he was adament,NO.. Well needless to say this continued to hunt me. In the back of my mind that I knew there was a lie sometime in the midst. Long story short I found out that he knew about the baby & he had cheated with her first 10mos of our relationships. Once I found out some of the lies, You came clean about the rest. Now during this time he came home every night to me. He’s a perfect gentleman &he sweet to me.. Overall hes a good man and I love him. Although we’ve moved on. It’s hard for me to let go. I don’t bring it up and I don’t throw it in his face but it’s hard to forget. What do I do?

      • Tammy

        Dear Natasha
        I understand that after two bad marriages you are devastated that this relationship should also be having serious problems! This is why, although you say we’ve moved on, what you mean is , he has moved on, believing that as you don’t raise the issue anymore it is over.

        Clearly for you it is not yet resolved, but you are now nearly two years down the line and still thinking about it? I think if you were to bring it up now with him, he would understandably be upset, men would on the whole prefer to forget it when they have done something wrong! However, to be fair to him, you say this was in the first 10 months of your relationship, yet imply that for the last 20 or so months he has been sweet and a gentleman. He has the right to believe you are over this, but you have to sort out how you feel.

        You need to talk this over with somebody, preferably a trained counselor, or if that is not possible, maybe your local minister if you are a person of faith?

        You are not married to this man, but I assume that you two may have talked about your future together? I think that is the way you bring this up with him, not to say you want to talk about it again with him, but to explain that it makes you anxious when you think about the future because you have been so hurt in the past.

        You need to be able to move forward with hope and a good feeling about the two of you, and while this is unresolved that will not happen.

        Go and see somebody, talk to them, try and figure out what is really bothering you. I suspect you are worried he will cheat again, and I cannot guarantee he won’t.
        You do not say whether the baby did turn out to be his?

        One thing I would say…you have three lovely children who are more important than anything else, and they are becoming attached to this man. THEY should be your priority, and also, forgive me for saying this, PLEASE do NOT get pregnant with him until you are truly sure he is the one you trust and want to be with for the rest of your life!

        Let me know how you get on?

        Tammy

    • Zaara

      Hi, I was seeing a guy for 18 months after meeting him at work. We were both divorced, started at work around the same time and had had similar experiences with our previous marriages/divorces etc. so, hit it off and became good friends. He was really into me and pursued me relentlessly. I wasn’t interested in him as i didn’t fancy him at all and, also being muslim, didn’t ‘date’ in the usual way and told him so. Also im a strong, independent and fairly westernised person and he seemed much more traditional. He didn’t give up and after around 8 months of knowing him and him promising me i could trust him and begging me to give him a chance and date him, i thought i’d be stupid to not give him a try as we were both in our forties (not getting any younger lol) and a couple of the friends i confided in advised me to take a chance as we really connected intellectually and emotionally. We were from slightly different cultures and i have 2 kids with me (both late teens) and i pointed this out to him from the outset, but he said he’d take my kids on like his own and if his family didn’t like the relationship, that was their problem. He lived on his own, did not see his 3 kids (said his ex wife made it too hard for him) and apart from his mum who was abroad, wasnt that close to his family. He’d moved into the area with the job and didn’t have any friends.

      For a year we had no problems, he asked me to marry him 3 times, a couple of months in but i told him neither of us could afford to rush in and to think about it while we got to know each other better. We saw each other at his or mine 3 or 4 times a week and occasionally went out where no one would know us. Everything was great and i thought we were both in love. He couldn’t get enough of me and treated me like nobody else had, buying me things and showing so much love and affection. I grew to depend on him emotionally and for advice. Then he started blowing hot and cold, telling me his family were pressuring him to get married and i didn’t realise what stress he had and that he didn’t want to lose me but his dad wouldn’t like me as i wasn’t from the same culture as him. I’d always told him if he ever had any doubts, let me know. I said if at any point he wanted to marry someone his parents arranged for him, tell me and i would understand if he felt that was better for him, but to always be honest and let me know what was going on.

      After a couple of months of this, i challenged him and he started waffling that he loved me but might not be able to be there for me emotionally! I pushed for a decision on what he wanted for us and finally he ended the relationship saying he didn’t think it would work as i was independent and westernised and although that wasn’t my fault, it might be a problem. I was devastated as I’d said all this at the outset and he had insisted it was not a problem as far as he was concerned.

      That was 10 months ago. I’d always said we’d remain friends and in the early days he had said that he could never be ‘just friends’ with me if things did not work out but eventually agreed we would be as were so close. But when i tried to pull back but still be friends, he was still blowing hot and cold and i was incredibly hurt and felt very used and rejected. My friends advised me to have no contact with him but like a fool, i still tried until a few weeks after he ended the relationship, i learnt he was engaged to get married to a girl his mum found for him who was 20 years younger than him (he’s 45). At first i was very angry, then in such pain i can’t begin to describe it. How could he have promised he’d wait a lifetime for me to love him and then move on to someone else while still seeing me??

      It has been the most diffiult thing I’ve ever done to stay away from him especially as i still have some contact with him at work (and that includes a bad 16 year marriage and bitter divorce). I met him once since then, 5 months ago and he told me i should find someone else but still kissed me and hugged me. I’ve had no contact except for work, since. It was the first time I’d felt ‘in love’ as my marriage had been arranged and my ex and I had never been compatible. I don’t know if he is now married and i thought i’d done well trying to move on finally but today i saw him with some girl in his car and just felt so crushed all over again. Started thinking; is she his wife or girlfriend or niece. Am so fed up, how long is it going to take for me not to get upset or care? He has moved on so fast, why can’t i? I’m sure my friends (who have been wonderful) are sick of me talking about how i feel.

      • Tammy

        Dear Zaara
        you knew from the start that he was the wrong man for you and your independence made you irresisitble in his eyes! He has accepted what his family have decided for him, he is WEAK
        He has no contact with his three kids ?????? he is UNRELIABLE. He loved you, then didn’t, but wanted to have his cake and eat it – HE IS A CHEATER, A LIAR , A PATHETIC MAN!

        OK, so now I have said what you think secretly, what your friends say, and what you need to hear. YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS – GET A LIFE!

        You have teenage kids, they will be going to college, work…they will soon be gone, but they are your responsibility right now..they want to see you happy but they also want to see you make the right choices.

        I would personally advise looking for another job if contact at work is a problem? But, that is a lousy suggestion if you love your work?

        OK – what can you do? CHANGE YOUR LIFE – do something significant, for you, stop looking backwards, look forwards, and yes..you will find someone else..if you do this.
        Right now, you need to focus on you, being the best and happiest you, for yourself and your kids, that is all that is important..and love seems to follow, and healing happens, but only when you look forward!

        Good luck, and smile!

        Tammy

        • Anonymous

          Dear Tammy,

          Thank you and you are right; i know exactly what he is but a part of me just finds it hard to let go, but i will.

          He is pathetic; he let his family arrange a marriage (in his mid-forties!) but continued to see me (that was when he blew hot and cold as he was feeling guilty); i am just so glad i stuck to my principles and did not sleep with him! Or tell my family about him. He admitted himself he was weak and i was his weakness and even if he was married, if i remained his friend he could not guarantee he would not get physical with me.

          My friends have said the same as you and my gut instinct at the very beginning was that he wasn’t right for me, but he seemed so genuine and sincere, i trusted what he said. Guess i was a fool.

          I’m ok at work as its been ages and i don’t see him often so can handle it. I will look forward as i have been doing (think the shock of seeing him yesterday just took me back). To be honest i am a very positive person and usually smile, (which is one of the reasons he’d said he admired me as he was the opposite and his cup was always half empty and he was often down).

          I will continue to focus on myself and my kids and look forward. Thank you so much for listening x

          • Zaara

            Sorry, not anonymous

            • Tammy

              I figured that! I am thinking of you, but know you are strong!

              Tammy

              • a wife

                tammy I been so weak to my husband for yrs he been cheating for yrs…but now i want to get out…i just caught him getting out a car with a women..he never came home the night before..I was just out taking care bussiness and his car was around the cornce from the house.. so I waited and 30 min later a women droping him off..he claim that his friend wife..

                • Tammy

                  Dear AW
                  Take a deep breath and go and find someone to talk to, your minister, a good friend, your mom! You know what your husband is truly like, you have now had enough. However, the pain is like a knife, and you do not want to see it happening, this time you did, and it is suddenly a total reality check.

                  GET AN ATTORNEY – the first consultation is usually either partly free or reduced rates

                  Firstly you need to know where you stand, and then you can perhaps think clearly.

                  Have you ever previously confronted your husband? Has he ever admitted cheating and promised he would stop?

                  All of these things need to be answered, and you need a lawyer to clear through the confusion, plus someone to talk it through with, who is impartial, like your pastor or minister, and will ask hard questions but that will give you clarity.

                  I can feel your pain, my dear, please let me know if I can help in any other way?

                  Tammy

    • Anon

      I just realized I married a master manipulator and I am completely devastated. He knows what emotional buttons to push to get the reaction he desires. I loved him with all my heart but I found a hickey on his neck. We haven’t seen each other in months and we were suppose to meet but he “postponed” it for a few days and he wasn’t planning on me showing up before we set the date. When I question him, he came back with a it’s a bruise from work. After that he started pushing my buttons to get me to cry then he said I was “abusing” him and filing a charge against me. I never touched him. He has went psycho and he’s trying to make me look like the bad guy when I only cared for him longer than I should have. I should have walked away a long time ago. I didn’t want to be the bad guy and file so he could make me look bad. We had a wonderful relationship up to 3 months ago. I have lost faith and trust because of this.

      • Tammy

        Dear K
        I sympathize with you but you have to tell yourself that at least you have realized this!
        Whatever happened three months ago, he did not succeed in covering it up, or manipulating you into believeing the lie.
        He is the one who is damaged, you are the one who will survive this intact. Manipulators are only happy when they have someone to manipulate.

        Your faith and trust will be restored by other people and contact with those who are NOT manipulators. Make sure you have a good attorney, and let them worry about the legal details. You don’t say whether you have any children; if you do, they must be the first priority, they will be upset and confused and their father may try to manipulate them too.

        If you need your faith in humanity restored, look at what happens after hurricanes and tornados, people in a community work together to help those affected. It may be an odd sort of therapy to suggest, but sometimes doing some volunteer work, distracting yourself from your own pain by helping others, can be very effective!

        I hope this helps in some way, but remember, you are not defined by what happens to you, you are defined by what YOU do.

        Take care and let me know how it goes?

        Tammy

    • Pat

      I met my boyfriend on singlesnet. His profile was bogus saying he was divorced, which was a lie. He had just separated from his fourth wife in December and I met him in January. Secondly he stated he attended school in Wisconsin. He was born and raised in West Virginia. He demanded I remove my profile from the site yet he kept his there, trolling away. The day we broke up, he was right on the site. The problem? I love him! However I consider that a form of cheating and he said he was there to keep an eye on me. Whatever. Thanks for letting me vent.

      • Tammy

        Dear Pat

        GO NOWHERE NEAR THIS MAN AGAIN..HE IS A SERIAL WOMANISER AND LIAR..GO FIND A DECENT CHAP AND NOT ON THE INTERNET!

        Tammy

    • GB

      I never in my life thought I would be one to cheat my wife and I have been together for going on 6 years and been married a little over a year we have a 4 year old son together. After we got married she suddenly started acting different and then told me she thought it was a mistake she feels trapped. I thought we were doing fine for awhile and then again she played some major head games saying she didn’t know if she loved me anymore but everytime I was going to leave her be she would say something to keep me around until. She put a wall up and refused to talk to me about anything and saud she can’t make a decision over night after about a month and a half of being treated like shit I finally had a break down and turned my self into a hospital to learn how to cope with this I really beleived she didn’t love me anymore and and needed to figure out how to cope with this because I had never been in this type of situation. She had no idea where I was for 3 days and when she found out she said she misses me and loves me. I decided to go back to her thinking that things would be better and tyhey were for awhile but I feel a lack of passion and like she no longer wants me sexually. I love her with all my heart and have talked to her about how I’m feeling and she always has excuses. I don’t even know how to turn her on anymore because any time I tried to be sensitive to her needs and show affection I got pushed away. so I now found myself in a position where I cheated. I feel guilty of course but at the same time the cheating filled avoid of what my relationship is lacking. What can I do to make her realize she isn’t giving me what I need. She has told me if I’m not satified go ahead and find someone else that hurts and now I did just that.

      • GB

        Also we don’t even sleep in the same bed hardly either I’m on the couch and she is in bed with our son or I come home from work and they are sleeping in the living room and I go to bed in our bed. We work totally different hours which has been a strain but my job is our main income. I have felt like she has cheated on me as well because she had a history of cheating before I got with her.

        • Tracey

          Sorry … but you cheated and all the reasons you stated aren’t good enough.

          Yes, there are problems in your marriage but there were other choices for you.

          You could have spoken with her and attempted to improve your communication (affection starts there with the emotional not with the physical).

          You could suggested professional help and gone to counselling.

          You could have left, moved out and started rebuilding your life alone.

          Instead, you chose to cheat, betray your marriage vows and lie. How was this helping your relationship?

          Things won’t start improving until you take responsibility for your affair, learn from it and attempt to improve your marriage.

          BTW, if you love someone with all your heart, you’d do everything in your power not to hurt them … and yet you had an affair knowing how it would make your wife feel.

          Don’t feel guilty! Don’t feel depressed, stressed or angry at her! Acknowledge you made a bad decision and figure out how you’re going to do the right thing from now on.

          • Tammy

            Wow Tracey!
            couldn’t have put it better myself!
            Tammy

        • Tammy

          Dear GB
          for goodness sake stop feeling so sorry for yourself and face this situation, I suspect it would be a great relief to your wife if you did!
          What about your son? What kind of example are you showing him, so ready to give up on his mother, so ready to give up on him?
          Life gets tough and you cheat, is that the message you want to send?

          TALK TO HER! INSIST YOU GO TO COUNSELING, STRAIGHT AWAY! OR LEAVE.

          Tammy
          PS – If you read my responses on here you will note that I am just as tough on the women who come here, I cannot believe that ANYONE who TRULY loves someone does not fight for that love!

          • GB

            We’ve done counseling and it did more harm than good. My wife does not like to be wrong so it is difficult to talk to her with an argument. I know I did bad and I have to face up with that. I definitly needed a womans thought on this situation. I have fought for her for some time and I guess we just aren’t where I thought we would have been by now and now I made a huge mistake I can’t take back. Thanks for the rude awakening I needed it and I think I’m going to fight for our relationship longer and harder. I’m not one to just give up. Thanks for all the advice.

            • Tracey

              Then she is partly responsible for the relationship and its success or failure if she refuses to work on it.

              Talk to her – tell her its broken but that you’d like to work on it. Also tell her about the affair, ADMIT it was the wrong thing to do and made you realise that you’re relationship with her was what you wanted.

              If she doesn’t want to work on things …. walk away. Give her some time and space to think about what she really wants.

              • Tammy

                Tracey my dear

                YOU ROCK!

                Tammy

            • Tammy

              Hi there GB
              just a quickie..am watching with admiration and affection as you and Tracey talk this through!

              My only observation? YOU NEED TO TALK TO YOUR WIFE LIKE THIS! IF NECESSARY – SHOW HER THIS SITE!

              With affection

              Tammy

    • left me for another

      My husband has left and he has been gone for around 9 mth I keep a diary and every since he has been gone he calls me during the week and if he does not call he pops up and does not call and sit and watch movies with me and the kids. I want lie I know he is staying with a younger girl and I sleep with him too and have been when ever he comes over. I feel stupid and I know I need to stop and so just this pass month I block his number so he can not text or I will not even think about texting him. I do not want to get a friend because what he does is not good for the kids and I am just not ready for a realtionship but I do want a person to talk to and maybe I will forget all about him. Its hard when you have kids and I want lie I would be willing to take him back but it would be hard for me to forget all that he has done. We went out of town last month with the kids and of course he was sweet as ever and he has been totally not for divorce. My question to you is How does this work Men will move in with another women but will not sign the Divorce papers. What do I need to do just give up and move forward. I am just tried and I can not see a person that does have trust issues not have issues with the person that he is seeing now. She is much younger and I know he has some doubts but he says he is Happy what do you think about that

      • Tracey

        Of Course he is happy. He has the best of both worlds as he has a relationship with two ppl!

        I would not accept any type of relationship with him while he is with another woman. You’ll have to have contact with him because of the kids but make it businesslike.

        I separated 4 weeks ago because although my husband stopped the physical part of the affair, he was still having lunch with her daily and maintaining a friendship. I told him that it was hurting the kids and I and that he could not have both of us in his life.

        I am less stressed and less miserable now. I no longer worry about where he is, will he leave us for her, etc. I’m moving on with my life and my kids. He sees the kids occasionally but takes them out or to their sporting activities.

        He’ll never choose if he is not forced to … but you need to be prepared that he may choose her.

        • Nikki

          Great advice! It feels so good to finally put your foot down. Of course it’s scary, it’s mostly the fear of the unknown. But when you finally do make your stand, your sense of self worth comes creeping back in. And when you finally get it back, no person will ever be able to take it from you again. Try this and I promise, in a few months, you wont even be able to imagine how you put up with that nonsense. When you are finally able to wrap your head around what he has done to you, you wont even care what he does anymore. Because you would never be with a man that would insult you like that. I hope it works out for you…

      • Tammy

        Left me
        I totally, wholeheartedly agree with Tracey!
        WHAT ARE YOU DOING????? Think of your kids! What are you telling them? Daddy is living with another girl, having a good old fling with someone younger but he comes home and sleeps with mummy, pretending we are a happy family…For goodness sake what kind of message is that?

        1. DO NOT SLEEP WITH HIM AGAIN
        2. TELL HIM HE HAS 4 WEEKS AND THEN YOU FILE FOR DIVORCE
        3. IF HE HAS TO STAY OVER BECAUSE OF THE KIDS HE SLEEPS ON THE COUCH – AND THE KIDS SEE THIS!

        SEE a LAWYER – it does not matter if he will not sign the divorce papers, if you divorce him for adultery, eventually he will get served because he won’t sign

        SEE a COUNSELOR – you need to work on your self-esteem issues and GET STRONG

        IF he decides to come back, you BOTH have to be in therapy and you need to see this girl and make sure she knows it is over!

        Good luck, keep us updated?

        Tammy

    • http://WhydomenCheat? Rachel

      I have been with the same man for 19 years…we have 5 children and 4 are grown and out on there own…our last child is 16 and she still lives with us…we have always had a rocky relationship…but, around two years ago..my husband started acting really different…he lost his job and I am considered Disabled…my husband started really treating me badly and our daughter…starting fights for no reason..I would ask him a question and he would get really mad…he started texting, buying new clothes and underwear, hanging out later and later and didnt come home sometimes a couple of days at a time..he said he was mad and he had to go and cool off…within the last couple of months I asked God to show me what was wrong…my teen daughter looked at me and said I think dad is on drugs and is cheating on you…so I started looking around to see if there was something going on…I found a condom in our truck..with an empty bottle of ciaslis, he said he didnt know how it got there, I found him on a site called Ashley Madison…it is a descreet site for cheaters…he made a profile attached male seeking women and under sex he said …whatever excites me…he told me he made it to piss me off …and he wants to remain in our home until he is able to move out and we should be civil…he had a very long blonde curly hair in his go tee and I have black hair …he lied about that. He told me he hasnt been in love with me for a very long time..but he cares about me and doesnt want to see me homeless..I have had to depend on him for everything for 8 years now since my accident…I asked him for money and he says its my money not yours ….you dont need any money…if he starts yelling at me and i walk away he makes fun of me…I cry he laughs and now after all of that…I am looking for answers to get far away from him…I am reading the Bible and praying and there is no where I can go…the abuse is horrible..and he said he was cheating and then said he wasnt he wont let me on his computer or cell phone …any suggestions on what a disabled woman with a teen can do to get away from this horrible man?

      • Tammy

        Dear Rachel
        I have replied privately to you as I find your situation too distressing and of too difficult a nature to post publicly. PLEASE follow my advice and get some help.

        I hope and pray that your situation improves soon.

        I am thinking of you

        Tammy

    • GessicaWallace

      Hi , my name is Gessica , I am 16 going on 17 on the second day of April next year (2012) and am engaged to my boyfriend who is 19 years old going on 20 on the 27th day of this month (August) . We have been together for almost 3 years , I met him in January 2009 when I was 13 and he was 17. I’d lied to him about my age & kept the lie going for about 3 months after beginning our relationship . When I told him the truth about my age (I had turned 14) I asked him if he was gonna leave me & he said no because he was already attached & he had fallen in love with me. The way we met is complicated , but we’re long distance . I will admit that I was & kinda still am a very rebellious young lady. I cheated on my boyfriend about 4 times with 2 different guys, but it was only oral sex, in which I recieved. No negative people I did not give anyone “head”. Moving along , I told my boyfriend what I had done & he was pretty pissed. I began to give him all of my attention, you know, being a great , faithful girlfriend . We had phone sex probably every night and I no longer cheated on him . But since we were long distance we could never actually have sexual intercourse . I think that’s why everything happened the way that they did: Horrible & Deceiving. Moving along.

      October 2009:
      By now I’m 14 & my boyfriend is 18. 9 months into our relationship he starts to act disrespectful , hanging up the phone , calling me names & whatnot . Then one day we’re on the phone & I’m singing love songs to him and he says “Bay I have something to tell you”. Now from the tone of his voice I could tell it was bad so I replied “You cheated?” & he says “Yeah I did”. I blow it off & say “Oh okay . I figured.” He doesn’t say anything back but I’m trying to pretend that I’m not hurt although it’s starting to settle & I’m realizing that I am, in fact , hurt and I say “Next time you cheat you can’t f*** her , kay?” & he says “Okay bay” . After he answered I laughed, but I’m sad as hell . Then I start going crazy , demanding to know who , what , when , where & how it went down . He says she came over & was playing with a condom & then they got naked & had sex . That’s all the info I got . Then I asked him if he said he loved her & if he kissed her , he said yes to both questions . Then I went really crazy , when I finally calmed down he said “Bay you wanna know the truth?” & I responded “Yes” he told me that it was all a lie & that he was just trying to get me to break up with him because of what he has put me through . And I cried like why would you say something like that to get the person you love to break up with you . But we smoothed everything out & continued our relationship. Everyday I’d go to school and think about whether that stuff was really true or not . But I never asked, because to be honest , I didn’t want it to be true.

      October 2010:
      By now I’m 15 & my boyfriend is 19. Everything’s okay. Then BOOM! We’re back to the disrespectful acts & all of that . My boyfriend becomes horrible yet again. Meanwhile I cheat on him with a guy about 8 times . This time it was sexual intercourse . And me & my boyfriend get in an arguement one night over the phone and he said “This arguement doesn’t matter because you’re cheating on me anyway!” I was shocked, I don’t know how he found out but I denied it to the fullest . Saying “No I’m not!” Moving along , I become faithful again because I feel like I have been caught. My boyfriend on the other hand is still saying that I’m cheating on him . I had a guy friend who I confided in and I told him my situation. He said to me “I’m not trying to throw shade on your relationship , but he’s probably cheating on you” . I tell him “Oh no , my boyfriend would never do anytjing like that to me” . My friend just allows me to think that . Then one night while I’m on the phone with my boyfriend I decide to come clean about cheating on him. He forgives me. The next day we’re on the phone again & he says to go into my room to be alone . I do then he says “I figured since you told the truth about cheating, then I should too”. He goes on to tell me how he really did cheat in October of 2009 & that it was all true , he was just afraid of how I reacted & that he didn’t want me to be hurt knowing the truth. He gave her my bear in 2009 , a gift he got me for my birthday but I couldn’t get it from him because we were long distance . I proceed to get this girl’s number through his facebook account . And she called and said “Let me explain what really happened , he probably made me look like a whore.” She told me EVERYTHING! From the positions they had sex in , to the things he said to her . He told her he loved her , he wanted her to have his kids, he could see her as his wife. All that. And then I found out that they had sex in 2010 (October) also. I was sooooo hurt . I called him up and he denied it at first about 2010. Then I demanded that he tell me the truth and he said “Okay, yes it’s true”. Moving along….

      Present Time:
      It’s NOT easy! But me & my boyfriend have been in working progress trying to rebuild our trust for each other. My question is do you think it’s possible to work things out after all that has happened? & I kinda think he’s gonna go back to the same girl he cheated on me with in ’09 & ’10. I’m constantly thinking about him cheating again . I don’t want to be hurt . I know I made some foolish decisions also , but I have come to understand what my boyfriend wants from me & I won’t ever (If its by my will) cheat on him again. Cheating is disgusting , it doesn’t feel good at all . And it hurts worse when it’s done to you . Please help me understand how to really learn to trust my boyfriend again. Thanks for reading .

      P.S: When I asked my boyfriend why he cheated , he said that it was because he had the oppurtunity to do it . But that now that he knows how much it hurt me he won’t ever do it again . He’s said all of this in front of his friends, & I’m wondering does that mean he’s sincere? & they say things like “You got a good guy, G”.

      P.S.S: Yes, we have a 4-year age difference , but our parents are fine with our relationship . At first, they weren’t , but my mom told me she’s cool with our relationship because of how happy he makes me & how much he makes me smile. His parents aboslutely LOVE me . Sometime his dad talks to us both about our age difference , but he says he still loves us both either way.

      P.S.S.S.S: The girl my boyfriend cheated on me with was very big , weight wise , and I have this huge vendetta against girls her size. How do I go about life without dissing every big boned female i see?

      • Tammy

        Dear Gessica
        STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING AND LISTEN CLOSELY!

        I feel absolutely compelled to say to you what, frankly, your parents should have said to you a LONG TIME AGO. You are 16 years old and have been sexually active in some way or another since you were 13, which I know will HORRIFY some readers on this site. What horrifies me young lady is that you have totally THROWN AWAY YOUR CHILDHOOD, in a reckless way which will come back to haunt you. I am sure that BOTH sets of parents have given up trying to talk to you as a child, you are clearly someone who has hurtled into adulthood with abandonment!

        Yep, you sure are a rebellious young lady and if you were my daughter we would be having serious words! HOWEVER, what is MUCH MORE IMPORTANT is that NOW, you start to behave like the grown up you clearly want to be and for once in your life stop REACTING and start PLANNING.

        Let me tell you a few home truths, you can listen to them or ignore them, but if you listen, you might learn something and avoid SCREWING UP YOUR LIFE

        1. Having sex, phone, oral whatever, at 13 is not grown up, it is not what makes you an adult, ACTUALLY IT IS DUMB
        2. Cheating on your boyfriend is reckless, stupid and potentially dangerous, you can get STD’s from oral sex too you know
        3. Your emotional reactions to EVERYTHING in your life will drain you of the strength you need to move forward AS AN ADULT
        4. SCHOOL AND A CAREER are more important than SEX at your age and if you were REALLY smart you would know that
        5. Long distance relationships only work if there is COMMUNICATION not just SEX
        6. Your parents are NOT really fine with your relationship, they are trying to make the best of a crazy situation, and hoping you will grow out of it!
        7. Your SILLY vendetta against large girls just proves how immature you really are!

        In two words Gessica, GROW UP. Look at your life as a whole, stop defining your whole world by this physical/not physical immature relationship. Give your poor family a break and start acting like a 16 year old and for goodness sake, where is your SELF-RESPECT? Cheating on your boyfriend, sleeping around, risking your health and behaving like a slut are not things that grown ups do.

        IF you truly want to rebuild your relationship with your boyfriend, then how about doing ORDINARY stuff, learning what he thinks and likes and leave sex out of it? You need to wipe the slate clean and start again, and as for trusting him, he has every reason not to trust you either missy, so don’t go laying the guilt trip on him!

        I’m sorry Gessica if this is NOT what you want to hear, but hey, this place is about truth and surviving bad stuff. You have behaved badly, so has your boyfriend, so the two of you will have a chance ONLY if you are honest about that.

        GOOD LUCK!

        Tammy

    • Anonymous

      Men cheat because they dont care. A woman should always let the man love her more than she loves him. Dont show or tell him that you r in love. Once he has fallen just pretend that u r not in the same place. He will do anything for u and love u. This is man’s secret. Just act like u r the one he is chasing. And he will fight for your love. And trust me he wobt cheat. U will cheat on him b4 he does.

      • Jacek

        THATS NOT TRUE!!!

        why is everyone making men seem like the devil… because of lies like THIS i have lost everything i truly care about…

        • Tammy

          No Jacek
          it isn’t these “lies” that made you lose your girl, it was cheating on her in the first place sweetheart!

          T

      • Tammy

        Dear anonymous
        a somewhat cynical view on life and men!

        “Treat em mean to keep em keen”

        NOT a philosophy I advocate for long, as if you are too mean, after a while you are too much like hard work and they will move on!

        Just my opinion :)

        Tammy

    • Jacek

      Now I understand that guys cheat. I did once without realizing. Only because I felt that it was what she was doing. I love her with all my heart and I don’t care about any other girls… But she doesn’t believe me. She read something like this and now she feels completely different. I do love her no matter what anyone says and no one understands that some guys can love. Not all guys are cheaters. I would do anything to keep her by my side and to hear that stuff like this tore us apart makes me die inside. I already was depressed about what I did and to lose her just makes everything worse. I just want y’all to understand that yes some guys cheat. But not all of them… I need advice on how to get her back. Cuz I want nothing more than to spend my life with her

      • Tammy

        Dear Jacek
        first question, I am kinda intrigued, how can you cheat without realizing it? OK so maybe you weren’t sure of your relationship and now you are and she has dumped you.
        How to get your girlfriend back?
        1. Tell her everything you feel, if she won’t talk to you, write her a letter, a real one on paper, with a flower attached, she WILL read that
        2. Ask her to talk to you about what she wants from you
        3. Start wooing her again, you are back at square one now, you are going to have to win her back
        4. Ask for a “date”, no sex, no kissing, unless she wants it, just a really good time out so you two can remember what brought you together in the first place

        Take it from there….if she still loves you, she will read your letter and agree to a date..if she is too hurt, you may have to ask several times, and write her notes about how you feel, telling her that you will wait for her. If she sends you a letter telling you to go to hell, you have one chance to reply with an apology, again, if that is rejected, IT IS OVER.

        Avoid becoming her stalker, you have about a month before she will see you asking to come back as harassment. If you try all this and she is still saying get lost, then MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE, LEARN YOUR LESSON AND NEVER DO THIS TO ANOTHER WOMAN.

        I hope she gives you a chance, good luck

        Tammy

        • Jacek

          okay ummm for a bit of clarification i am not an adult yet, nor am i interested in the act of sex at my age. and how i did it without realizing was because all of my friends (out of jealousy) forced the idea into my head that she was cheating on me with outer dudes… and it really got to me and i started having reoccuring nightmares of waking up and finding out about how many dudes she messed with… i have always been against cheaters in general. i believe in honesty and long term relationships. and i started talking to other girls because i was scared of heartbreak. and i always was worried of her cheating without looking at myself seeing that i was going against everything i believed in. now i may be young but i am mature mentally. and my father taught me that you should treat a girl like a queen. and thats what ive always followed. but thinking about what i did hurts me, i can barely look at myself the same. and i can only imagine what i have done to her… i just want you to know that i am a stronger person after this and all i want is to make her happy.
          P.S. i say it is lies because not all men are so two faced. and to make them love you and have them on a leash is wrong… thats what i personally think, i believe that a relationship requires two people… not one person and a pet

          • Jacek

            (i probably made a bunch of errors because i am typing fast and i am thinking)

          • Tammy

            Jacek
            for a young man you are mature! Yes, I agree with you, the idea of “leashing” your man and keeping him hopping and uncertain I think is disgusting!
            I think that any woman who finally has you as a boyfriend will be very lucky because you have learnt what is important in relationships, TRUST!

            Thank you for sharing your ideas here, I hope that other men can learn from you as you grow up!

            Tammy

    • iunderstand

      Harris, u need to be strong for your kids. Its easy for someone to tell you to leave him. He doesnt deserve a wife. He said he will keep doing it…think about your kids its not healthy for them for you to stay with someone that treats you like that.I know because it sounds like my family. My brothers and i are destroyed by our parents relationship. Get counseling by yourself. Idk what your beliefs are but god will forgive you for getting divorced. How old are your children?

      • Tammy

        Thank you!
        I was too cross to give her a good answer!

        Tammy

    • harris

      Hi there,
      My husband n I have been together for going on 5 years. We’ve been married almost a year. He’s been cheating since forever it seems n not with just one woman I keep trying n trying to make our family work. He said he wasn’t ready to be married n he still is going to continue to have other woman. I don’t like feeling so helpless n angry. I just wish he could see how much his actions are hurting not just us our children n our family. I’ve tryed everything n he won’t stop. I know I should pack n leave. But divorce isn’t a opption bc I dnt beleave in it.

      • Tammy

        Dear Harris
        what do you believe in? Letting your children see their mother treated this way? Letting your children think that it is perfectly ok for a man to regularly cheat on his wife? Letting your children grow up seeing you cry, seeing your shame, ignoring THEIR humiliation and embarassment?

        WHAT DO YOU BELIEVE IN? HE WILL NOT STOP BECAUSE YOU WILL NOT STOP SUPPORTING HIM.

        I’m sorry, I cannot answer you properly I am too angry. He SAYS HE WILL CONTINUE TO HAVE OTHER WOMEN….For heavens sake woman, what more do you want, how much humiliation are you going to put up with?

        LEAVE HIM

        Tammy

      • Tracey

        Harris,

        I am in the same situation but I eventually changed the locks and forced him to leave. I discovered the affair 5 months ago. He claims he’s stopped seeing her after work but he refuses to stop having lunch with her every day at work. So 1 month ago, I had had enough of crying myself to sleep and endless worry and feeling crap about myself.

        My other issue is that allowing him to treat me and marriage that way has a STRONG influence on my children. Our education on marriage starts with our parents’ marriage because it’s all we know.

        Do you really want your children believing that infidelity is a part of marriage? Do you really want your children believing that it’s alright for a husband to treat his wife that way?

        I am Christian also and don’t believe in divorce. I’ll never remarry but the bible also says that you have the right and the control to protect yourself.

        I am in counselling and through questions that my psychiatrist asked me, realised that I deserve to be treated better.

        I am less stressed and less miserable now that I’m alone. I no longer get really obsessed with where he is or if he’s seeing her. I’m concentrating on my 3 children and our lives together.

        I have a new set of problems – finance, raising 3 kids by myself, etc … but my self-esteem is getting better and my kids understand and agree with why I made the decision.

        • Tammy

          Dear Tracey
          thank you for your intelligent and well thought out answer and also for being so brave as to tell your story! I am so glad that the issue of how children are affected by cheating is finally in the open! It is one of my most crucial considerations whenever I think back to my own situation; all too often children are forgotten in this situation, but they are all too aware of what is happening.

          I totally applaud your bravery and your strength Tracey, and I wish you all the luck in the world for you and your children.

          Do let us know how it is going and if we can help in any way?

          Tammy

    • lizzie

      Hi. I’ve been with my bf for three yrs. Trust has been hard bcuz he has lied to me about little things…like in the beginning of our relationship he would smell like he had been smoking so i asked several times when he finally admitted he did. I fell in love with him bcuz he treated me so good. He always put me first. He was always there for me when i needed anything. In july i went on vacation with my family.. I made sure were in contact every day so i connected a phone and we talked all the time. When i came back we were getting along so good and we were closer than ever…talking about our future. A few days later i was at his place and saw a perfect opportunity to check his phone while he was asleep. Thats when i saw a conversation between him and his good friend. They were talking about this “little chick” apparently working in his job.. “wearing no.clothes” my bf said to his frind ” stop by so u can see her its hot today so she has nothing on” his friend said tell her i like her…and my bf said ” y would i do that if i told her i was attracted to her and hooked up with her on saturday” which was when i was away on vaca while i was telling him i miss u.. I was so hurt i began to shake with all kinds of emotions…i woke him up and demanded an explanation! He claimed that its one of his employees and he said that comment to his friend bcuz he didnt want him to get with her.. I said y do u like her and after about two hours of pushing for answers he said he wanted to hook up with her but he didnt that it was stupid of wanting to but nothing happened. He swore to me nothing happened. I told him to fire her.. He said give him time to hire someone else..i was so torn and i did not believe him. His story was so stupid. He said it in writing that he hooked up with her…So the next day i went to his job and confronted her myself she said they went out to eat and hooked up..when i asked for details she looked like she didnt want to tell me and finally said they just kissed. I dont believe that little slut and the way she was dresses like she was going to the damn beach.. I asked if she knew he had a gf and said no.i thought about trashing his business but then thought about my career. I left so broken so hurt so destroyed. I called him on my way to the car and it was on call waiting. This whore had already contacted him. Thst night i went to his house and my emotions took over me and i stsrted beating him up…i wanted him to feel the same pain i was in. To stop me he had to holf me down he was so rough he gave me a nose bleed and punched me….i was so shocked. When i calmed down i trashed his rm. The next day when i was more rational we cried and talked about everything… He was appologizing and said he cheated bcuz ” i wanted to know if i still had it as a man” wth is that supposed to mean? He is 31 yrs old.. He had all his youth to be a man whore why throw what we had away for this slut? And she is so trashy and ugly. I could never trust him. He told me we should go to therapy. I just cant give him another chance i dont trust his friends and i dont trust him. Its been 7 days and im still very angry and destroyed inside…idk what to do.i look at my bruises and think about all the emotional pain and anger i was feeling that night…and how destroyed i still am. I dont know what to do. I love him soooo much and i know he does too. He has been calling me crying and apologizing. I just dont think i can forgive him. I think i will be miserable if i gave him a chance. : (

      • Tammy

        My dear Lizzie
        I am so sorry you found out in this way and that you and your boyfriend hurt each other over this. You DO NOT HAVE TO DECIDE ANYTHING right now, so don’t. You are in no fit state to be making decisions and you seriously need to step back from this, your emotions, and YOU are TOO VIOLENT for this to be resolved right now. You need to calm down, and get away from this situation for a while. Is there family you can go and stay with for a while, away from where you are?

        I think that you need distance and calm and someone to talk to before you talk to him again or make any decisions.
        Your boyfriend needs to think about therapy for his tendancy to lie, “about little things” it sounds like he is a bit too used to lying!
        I think that you need counseling for your anger, that was an extreme reaction and you know that..and I suspect your anger and violence frightened you..it would be good to talk to someone about that. Right now, you are in no fit state to stay with him or leave him…you need to concentrate on YOU first, then worry about him later. IF he truly loves you, he will sort himself out, and wait for you.

        In the meantime, get away, take some time, calm down, think this through and get some help and support.

        Let us know how you get on?

        Tammy

    • http://Capri055@yahoo.com Anonymous

      So I’m 17 I’m dating a 21 yr old but he acts like he’s 16. Everyday I go on facebook I see he’s alwYs flirting and doing stuff he’s not supposed to be doing. So for the pass week we been arguing and I just don’t know what to do.

      • arrrr

        tell him you just want to be friends. that will freak him out enough to make him get his sh*t together, or you’ll be rid of a loser. either way, you win. keep the power in the relationship, younger women often don’t realize the power they have.

      • Tammy

        Dear Anon
        I actually agree with arrr!! he sounds like he’s nowhere near ready for a relationship and honestly my love, you are only 17! Why on earth waste time with this guy, go find someone you can have some fun with who appreciates you!

        Tammy

    • Bianca

      Tammy,

      I have been with my boyfriend for almost 9 years now and we are having a baby soon and we’re about to get married in march. His working abroad right now and is going home soon. Our relationship has been very strong and happy, though it started with him flirting with girls in text and social sites in our first year of being together, but he changed and he proved me that. But in our 6th/7th year, when he started working, I caught him flirting with a co-worker and that I feel she is special to him. I confronted him and said it was nothing. I caught a message again and a picture of both of them being close and the girl said she misses him and that she doesn’t want him to forget her. I confronted him again and we fought about it, but I forgave him eventually with him promising to lose all connections she have with her including facebook. Recently, I checked his e-mail account and to my shock, they were still communicating using YM. Saw his message, telling her he misses her. I don’t know what to do Tammy. I trusted him, but he seems to break this trust with this girl. I know that he loves me, but I can’t understand why he has to continue communicating with her. Help me. We are having a baby soon and we are getting married… :(

      Bianca

      • Tammy

        Dear Bianca
        he is getting something from this girl, and it may be that she needs him too…however, this has gone on too long and I am sorry but unless you too are friends with her it is NOT innocent. He may not have slept with her, she may just be someone he thinks he can flirt safely with and who gives his ego a boost..he may well be a bit scared about the baby and marriage, BUT IT HAS TO STOP.

        This girl takes his emotional energy away from you..so I am going to advise you to contact her directly! Yep, this is risky, but if he is lying, then maybe she will tell the truth..and be warned you may not like it! She may tell you stuff you do not want to hear..or she will lie and contact him to alert him, and he may go nuts about it..

        Personally, I would rather have a total meltdown with a lot of yelling and know the truth..but that is me personally…I also would not could not marry a man who CONTINUES to lie to me.

        You can choose to confront him, or her or both of them..YOU ARE HAVING HIS BABY..the baby needs a father who tells the truth and is a DECENT HONEST HUSBAND.
        In the end it is your call, you know him better than I do, you know yourself…make sure you have support..talk to your family or a friend, have a place to go and cry if you need it…let me know what happens?

        Tammy

    • Jasmine Bing

      I have been in a relationship with my husband for 4 years, married for 2 of those years and have a 4 month old baby with him. When we first started dating I found out that he was talking sexually to women online he met up with one woman but says it didnt go beyond making out. Fast forward to 2 weeks ago….I found out by looking in his phone that he started talking to random women again. I asked him to come clean but he only came partially clean. He said it had been going on for only 5 months but my gut knew better. He apologized, cried, and told me he would never do it again. After I kicked him out of the house I told him without the whole truth I cannot even begin to try and move forward and that I would be filling for divorce because if he cannot be honest after getting caught then he will do it again for sure. A week ago he finally said he wanted to talk and told me it had been going on for a year and a half, and that he had only met up with one of the girls and it didnt go beyond kissing and groping because the infidelity became all too real when in person and that he wasnt comfortable. Obviously after all the lies it is hard to know what the real truth is. This is the second time he has done this to me. He is currently in counseling (by himself) to try and work on his issues. We plan to eventually go to marriage counselling (if I can ever get over the anger I feel towards him). I am sooo afraid that this would happen a third time and to make things worse if it happened again our child would be old enough to understand what is going on. What if it progresses beyond kissing and groping next time? Am I going to have to live my life in fear of getting and STD? Am I going to have to constantly check his computer and phone everyday? Is he only remorseful because he got caught? Even though we are living apart while he gets help, I have installed a keystroke logger on his computer so I know all his computer activity. I feel disgusted that I have to treat my husband like a child, he is supposed to be my partner not another child. Part of me wants to get a divorce and save myself and our child from this. Part of me wants to believe that he is truly remorsefull this time and will (with the help of his counselor) work on his issues and eventually be able to rebuild something better than what we had.

      • Jasmine Bing

        I also want to add that I told him he needs to tell his parents (he is very close to them) what he has done so that his stakes are higher next time in that he would not only be hurting me and our child but his dear parents as well.

      • Tammy

        Dear Jasmine
        I totally understand that right now you are between a rock and a hard place; leave and endure all the pain, uncertainty and financial difficulty that entails; stay and keep his secret from his parents and hope he learns to find out how to be the faithful husband you need him to be!

        1. It is good that he is in counseling, and yes, maybe marriage guidance will help, but he needs to sort himself out first. It sounds as if he is on the edge of a semi addiction, this is quite common, the thrill of online and text flirting is quite addictive and can easily get out of control. His counselor will help him to identify why he needs this cheap thrill (clearly your husband knows it is no substitute for real love as he explained to you, the reality made him feel uncomfortable). I think you do have to give him the benfit of the doubt this time round, a lot of what he has said to you rings true..

        2. I don’t think you or he should wait for “the next time” to talk to his parents..because “the next time” you will be divorcing him, and I don’t think that it is fair to them, or you, that all of this comes out then! They will be devastated and fearful that they will lose their grandchild, they will want to support their son, and they will be angry they did not know the marriage was in trouble when they could have helped…

        3. You deserve some help and support..which is why BOTH sets of parents (if yours are still around to help?) should know and be able to support BOTH of you

        So, what to do? You two need to sit down and talk, away from either home and with someone looking after your baby! You need to be VERY clear about what you need to happen for you to trust him again. I imagine that if he is not living with you, his parents know that something is amiss, and they should be involved. Part of your conversation with your husband is to discuss what you tell his parents (probably NOT all the gory details) and how they can help you both.

        FOR YOURSELF – work out an exit strategy…I know this sounds bad, but I think if you know how you can get out, get a divorce etc..you will feel less angry and upset. I am NOT saying leave him, I am saying KNOW what you need to do IF divorce seems the only option…you should also be very clear about finances, childcare and whether you can go back to work etc..

        You NEED to be in CONTROL, and the anger will be less damaging….your child will not “know” anything until they are at least 18 months to two years old..you have time to rebuild a life either with or without your husband.

        I hope that this helps? Please let me know if we can help in any other way and let me know how it goes?

        Tammy

        • Jasmine

          Thank you Tammy. His parents are aware something is wrong because he has been living with them since I kicked him out. We have set aside sometime to talk without our baby. He is going to talk to his parents and continue to seek counseling for himself. Unfortunately my parents are not around to be supportive but his parents have reached out to me and let me know they are there if I want to talk and that they are worried about me. I hope with time and hard work things will get better (whether we are able to work things out or not).

          • Tammy

            Dear Jasmine
            I am so glad that you are being supported by his parents and that he is going to talk to them. I am also glad that you two have set aside some time to talk, this is the start. I know it will be a difficult and a long journey, but I hope that you know we are here to support you if you need us. Do let me know how it goes? Feel free to post in our new forum..it should be up and running in a few days, and I hope that it will be somewhere where anyone can find support and encouragement.

            Thinking of you

            Tammy

    • Marcus

      This past month I returned from Afghanistan,to my wife and young daughter. I have lost all emotional mental and physical connection to her. I have not cheated,physically. I have spoken to other women and have been on a few dates. She has moved out of our home. I drink excessively and go out every night. She has concered filing for divorce because she says I have changed and am angry all the time. I don’t want to go to a marriage counselor. I don’t kno what to do. All comments are openly accepted.

      • Tammy

        Marcus
        don’t bother with a marriage counselor..you need help for you..talk to your sergeant, your chaplain, someone..you have POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER…you are not a cheat, you are a WOUNDED soldier. War destroys more than bodies, it damages minds and emotions too… PLEASE GO AND GET SOME HELP..nobody will think badly of you, it is part of war that soldiers get hurt and Marcus, you are hurt..so go get some help, please, if not for you, think of your daughter, she does not want an angry daddy..

        Let me know how you get on?

        Tammy

    • am 18 years old and my boyfriend is 20 i when throw his fone i saw pictures of girls and we talked but it didnt work out well…!! i seen alot of text in is fone i dont know what too do nothing please help me

      :( :(:(

      • Tammy

        Send me an email and I will try to help
        Tammy

    • Jessica

      I’m in love with a married man. I know its wrong but I’m in love with him, and he asked me out. He also keep telling me that he loves me so much and he wish we can get married but we can’t because he has kids and he doesn’t wanna destroy them, he always say that he doesn’t love his wife because she is annoying and she is always screaming and she doesn’t know how to solve problem calmly. I love him so much and it’s very hard for me to forget about him and move on. P.S he always say that he is not sexually active with his wife. Does he say that just to make me feel loved and have sex with me?….

      • Tammy

        Jessica
        1. how long have you known this man? If less than a year..you are NOT in love with him, you are I suspect, infatuated by him which is NOT the same
        2. YES he does say he is not sleeping with his wife to get you to sleep with him…and YES he is still sleeping with her
        3. YES wives scream when their husbands are useless annoying, cheating liars…
        4. NO he will NEVER leave the kids..or HER

        GET OUT NOW and find yourself your own man, not somebody else’s and stop kidding yourself

        Tammy

    • Belinda

      I have been in a 2 year relationaship with my fiance, and i had moved in with him within a year since we had met. I fell in love with him and he the same to me and he was my first. we had a few problems here and there and i had changed myself for him to make him happy with me. i know that his previous relationships were all long term, lasting 3 years or 2 years.

      About a week before new years, i had told him im leaving to my grandmothers house for a week to visit her, and he got so angry, accusing me of wanting to go to parties and cheat on him. I have never cheated on him and never will, so i got quite offended by this accusation. I left anyway for a week and on new years eve he contacted me again to meet. Things were going ok but i saw that a girl had sent him an sms saying she ‘i dont understand all, im sorry, kisses’. He had told me he never talked to this girl, but she wrote to him after she saw him near a lounge he goes to often and she had seen the bandages around his head. I got very angry but i tried to convince myself its nothing.

      A month later, we got into a huge arguement, and it resulted in use breaking up and i had not spoken to him or looked at him for a week, though i still lived in his home (we had separate rooms). for 9 days i didnt have any contact with him at all. And finally when i thought enough is enough, i went and sneaked to check his phone and i saw he had been arguing with the girl (i wrote about above).

      I also saw that he had been texting another woman he had met at the club. He was writing things like ‘i miss you so much’ and ‘do you miss me?’ and ‘when will we meet next?’ and things like this. I had become so distraught and crazy. I asked him later if he was meeting anyone, and he said no. and then i told him i knew and he said i shouldnt be looking into his things since we arent together. I accepted this answer since it was true, and went on vacation for 2 weeks after this.

      During my vacation, i know he went to see her a few times. Towards the end, he decided how much he loved me and how he felt bad about it. I said i dont need a man who likes other girls. he said ‘i thought of what i want to write to you and i wrote it to her’. basically she was a distraction. I asked him to tell me the truth, and if he had done anything with her. He admitted she kissed him (pop kiss) when she was saying bye and that was it. During those nights, he would come home at 4am or 6am on the weekends. and he claims he was at this loung with her during those times.

      Should i believe him? do you think he did more than kiss her? Should i believe he has changed since then since he regrets it so much now? Am i wrong to reconcile with him?

      I still think of it so often and i lost all trust for him. i keep remembering how heartbroken i was during that week of absence and how i felt when i read those messages. i dont understand how he could have done it so easily. I lost my virginity to him, and he had lost his to his previous girlfriend of 2 years but it wasnt many times as he says. I am so attached to him but im not sure if im making a mistake or not. We are engaged after all, and even though we broke up at that time i just dont get it…

      Thank you,
      Belinda

      • Tammy

        Dear Belinda
        I am a bit confused over this relationship. You went to your grandmothers for a week at New Years – did you not want to spend New Years Eve with your fiance? You left him at a time of year when most couples want to be together. You rowed, broke up, did not communicate so he went and consoled himself with some girl who knew him previously, and yes he may well have slept with her! Yoy then check his phone and he says you have no right because you have broken up, which you accept, but then you eventually get back togetehr..and you don’t know whether to trust him.

        What about him trusting you? Can he? Can he trust you to really take this engagement seriously when you don’t include him in important times of year? When after a row you split up?

        I’m sorry Belinda, but I am not sure you are taking this relationship seriously, either of you…frankly you both seem to be beahving childishly and hardly like two people planning to marry each other!

        Did you get enaged so that you would feel it was ok to live with him and therefore sleep together? I don’t know how old you two are, quite young would be my guess…

        Stop thinking about what might have happened and decide whether you want this relationship to work and then sit down and TALK to each other, like GROWN UPS. If you do that you may find you can move forward without doubts. If you want to marry this man you say you love so much, then start behaving that way, and start working at the relationship. Marriage is about communication and HARD work and STICKING AT IT WHEN STUFF GOES WRONG.

        If you want roses and romance, read a book! You say you feel he is sincere in his regrets, so show him you are sincere in your love.

        I know this advice will seem like I am being harsh, but if you want to make this work, someone has to lay it on the line for you…

        Let me know how it goes?

        Tammy

        • Belinda

          I might have been a bit vague on that part, i had every intention of returning for new years to spend it with him of course! but i went to my grandmothers a week BEFORE new years until the night before eve.

          I had moved in with him at the time i thought was right, and everything was going great for a year until this had happened, and it was quite out of the ordinary. Is it normal for him to have consoled in someone else despite the feelings he has for me?

          At the moment everything is going ok but im still worried about what CAN happen in the future if any arguements happen like it had before. He is not a very open man, he would rather just leave and forget it and act like something never happened instead of working things out which is very frustrating for me. I am 25 years old and he is 29 years old.

          Thank you for your reply!
          Belinda

          • Tammy

            Dear Belinda
            I think the issue here really is the lack of communication between you generally. I would start talking to him about that not the cheating/not cheating. I honestly believe that many men have to be taught how to communicate, but you must not shout or accuse, just talk, tell him how happy he makes you, how sometimes you feel sad because he seems to shut you out etc…
            Your future depends on you learning to talk to each other…so START NOW!

            Good luck

            Tammy

    • Sam

      My ex dumped me for some other girl he met. Well, his new relationship didn’t go so well, and he started behaving the way he did when we first met. Now he claims that he misses me and that he loves me, and wants to be in a relationship with me again, even though he’s still dating the new girl (let’s call her Julie). I told him several times that no, I will not let him cheat on Julie, but he won’t leave her for me, and I don’t want to help him cheat (although I do miss him).

      • Tammy

        Dear Sam
        stick to your guns…if he truly wants you he will leave her..don’t let him turn you into a mistress and someone you don’t want to be. If he won’t stop pushing tell him that you will tell Julie!
        I hope you are going out and having a good time too, don’t mope, get back out there girlfriend and show him what he’s missing and find your self a better guy!

        Tammy

    • lola

      at wat age do you consider a quy a cheater or a player like wat age do u think a quy wil never change

      • Tammy

        Oh Lola
        it is not about age exactly, but I don’t think men are as ready to commit to marriage and faithfulness as early as women are. Men want to date longer, they need to be sure in ways we do not always understand. There are 18 year olds who are faithful, and 40 year olds who always cheat, maybe somewhere in between…all I know is that when a man is ready he is well and truly ready!

        Tammy

    • Anonymous

      hi, my husband cheating on me for two times, he said sorry that will not happen again, but can i trust him for the second time? and it really hurts because his girl has also a family with two kids… what am i gonna do, can i give him a chance for the second time?

      • Anonymous

        By no means should you give him another chance!! He already messed up twice and trust me when I say this (Since I am also a guy who got CAUGHT cheating on his g/f twice), he will not change. The reason why he says sorry and hes not going to do it again is because hes on the brink of losing you. For anyone, when they feel like they are about to lose someone or have lost someone they always end up saying to themselves “You don’t know what you had until its gone.” The moment you give him another chance the only thing that will be going through his mind is…”How can I prevent getting caught now…”

        Do yourself a favor honey and save yourself from future heartbreak and find someone else.

        • Anonymous

          thank you for the reply…
          yeah i know its really hurt, but i don’t want a broken family, ill think also for my child…. and i don’t also expect that he will change…

          but what if he will change for the sake of our family specially for my child…

          • Anonymous

            The circumstances can change a person, but the likelihood of that is very low. Is your husband the only source of income for the household? How old is your child? How long have you been married? Has he ever been divorced before? How much time does he have available to do what he wants? How long has he been in contact with the other mistress? A lot of variables come into play to see if a man/women is viable to change for a situation. It’s hard to say if he could possibly change without knowing more about him and your relationship.

            • Anonymous

              yes, his only one who worked, my child is 7 years old, we’ve been married for 8 years.
              after revealing his affair with the girl, he resigned and then he find another job near in our home, because we’re long distance relationship for a year because in his job, now he decided to find another job, to be with me. do you think my husband still love me? i know in my heart that he already stopped his affair w/ the girl. but what if in his new job he met another girl then betray me again….

              • Tammy

                Ok I have been watching this exchange with interest…and would like to add my thoughts..

                Not all men stay cheaters..let us be a bit less cynical and YES I know that PEOPLE promise anything when they fear the loss of something important.
                1. Your husband resigned his job and the affair ended
                2. He has moved closer because he knows that distance is the temptation
                3. You have a child and that is important

                NOW – what can you do?
                1. Re-train, get a job, make some money, become more financially independent, your child is now 7 years old, you can do this
                2. Go to marriage guidance together – he needs and so do you, to understand WHY he cheats
                3. TRUST but VERIFY – yes he will have to tell you where he is, yes he will have to hand over his phone when you want to check it, NO he cannot have any email addresses that are password protected from you…etc…you LAY DOWN THE LAW

                All of this will take time, and you worry he will cheat again..only time and hard work on your part will tell, BUT, the one thing that matters is your child and your ability to care for them, so GET a JOB, any job, something to take you out of the house, make HIM worry you are meeting people, build yourself some support, and WH ATEVER YOU DO, DON’T GET PREGNANT!!!

                Let me know how it goes?

                Tammy

    • ale

      thank you so much and i was 15 when i started dating him and now turninq 18 almost and he says he wants to qet married and have my kid but he has some issues he can qet mad easily he doesnt trust me do you think he scared of bein cheated like he did to me but i dont plan on gettin pregnant any soon i think im still traumatized when he cheated on me i can never stop thinking about the days he cheated on me

      • Tammy

        Dear A
        simple statement from me…YOU ARE TOO YOUNG FOR THIS…by all means date him, figure him out..but build a life for you that does not depend on him being in it..get an education, get a good job with people who trust you and you can learn to trust..become YOU first before you become a wife and mother.

        Good luck, and take care of yourself…let us know how it goes

        Tammy

    • rosa

      do you think when a guy is a player and he says he has stopped all that hes really sayin the truth because everyone says once your a player your always a player plz help

      • Tammy

        Dear Rosa
        I think you have to be clear about “being a player”. yes there are some men, and women, who do not seem to be able to be faithful…sometimes ever. However, not being able to commit to someone when you are young does not necessarily mean that you are a player! Until your mid twenties, life is about experimentation, trying to figure out what you want and who you are. Decent blokes do not pretend to be in a serious relationship and will date several women, whether they sleep with them or not is, to an extent, up to the women!
        However, when a man decides to commit, they can very often change completely and never cheat again. It is unfair to say that a man cannot be faithful in the end…it depends on how he sees the relationship. If your man says that you are the one and he wants to commit, give him the benefit of the doubt. If he thinks you do not believe him and you keep challenging him, he will cheat until he finds a woman who does believe him.
        You need to use our motto sweetheart, TRUST BUT VERIFY
        In other words, stay aware, discreetly (do NOT let him find out) check on him, but try and assume the BEST. The other thing that men have told me is that TRUST BREEDS TRUST…in other words, if you tell him you believe that he has now grown up and you are so proud of him and do not care what others say, because you love and trust him…he will rise to that expectation, because he wants your trust.

        The absolute worse thing you can do is to keep nagging him about being faithful..men will cheat because they think you expect it so what the heck..he may as well cheat!

        I’m not saying be a total wimp, if he does stuff you don’t like, tell him, but if you love him, give him a chance!

        I hope that helps?

        Tammy

    • ale

      iv been with my boyfriend for almost 3years he used to cheat one and he would always come to me and saying to give him another chance but my dumb ass always did cause he was my first and i love him he has stopped now for almost two years do you think he still doing it or he will

      • Tammy

        Dear Ale
        two years is a long time for your man…give him the benefit of the doubt, if you keep asking him if he is being faithful he will get fed up of you not trusting him and he will cheat again..it is the “may as well cos she thinks I am anyway” syndrome.

        I am not saying you become a totally trusting blind to all faults girlfriend..but just try and believe him, as time goes by it should become clear that he means to be faithful. I sense that there is more to your question and I do not know how old you are?? I would say…DO NOT GET PREGNANT..until you are sure..and talk through what any big life changes may mean. Men are generally scared of comittment, you have to give them a gentle way into it..and make sure that you two have worked out how to tell each other unpleasant stuff without yelling before you are absolutely ready for the complete responsibility of a family.

        I hope that helps?

        Tammy

    • namitha

      I have been in relationship from the past 9 years. One year back i got to know that my guy was cheating on me. He used to care about me a lot and still he cares after what all happened. He assures me he will not do it again, but i really do not know how far its true. He used to date a gal, he also used to have phone sex and sex chat with other gals. He confessed all this things.the reason he gives for this kind of behavious is 1) long distance relationship of 1 year 2) Sexual desire not fulfilled 3) Friends influence for doing this 4) Freedom and money which he didn’t had before 5) Less of attention from myside. But i really loved him like anything. Whatever happened influenced my mind and body, now i am visiting psychatrist.After knowing from the doc, that his cheating behavoir has affected my mind, now he tells me he really doesn’t know about about my love for him.I am a bit shy person,i do not share my feeling with him. After after this incidence i couldn’t control my emotion and open my heart, i told him what i think about him.After knowing my feelings for him, now he keeps telling me whatever happened in someway it was good, at least i got to know you which i was not aware of from the past 9 years. Now he wants to get married to me, but m really scared now. What if he cheats me again?

      • Tammy

        Dear Namitha
        marriage is a partnership between TWO individuals who CHOOSE to be together. my dear, you are NOT ready for marriage…you do not even know who you are! You cannot commit to a man who cheated on you….sent you emotionally over the edge and NOW while you are under a psychiatrist and have not worked out yourself yet he wants to marry you!

        Tell him you DO NOT TRUST HIM YET..because that is the truth..but more importantly, I do not think you TRUST YOURSELF yet either, and that is FAR more important.

        I have only one thing to say Namitha….FIND YOURSELF FIRST BEFORE COMITTING TO SOMEONE ELSE

        Take care, thinking of you..let us know how you get on?

        Tammy

    • Fabuloussmiles4me

      I have been in this relationship for 4 years & everytime i ask him a question while we are having sex like How does it feel? He comes back with How does it feel to u… Or I can ask him U want me to go down on u? He says what do u want to do? Why is he doing this is he cheeting on me? Why can’t he just open up & stop being so mechanical??

      • Anonymous

        Oh dear Fabulous!

        this is not about him cheating, this is about your insecurity and a lack of communication..NOT in bed, but generally.

        STOP interrogating the poor man when you are in bed, he cannot handle it! Not all men are good at talking when they have sex my love…don’t believe the rubbish you read in magazines.

        Try this instead…DO WHAT YOU FEEL LIKE IN BED! Stop talking and start acting and you may well find that he starts talking to you…if you keep DEMANDING a response in bed he will become mechanical!!

        AFTER sex and BEFORE he falls asleep, is when you have the window of opportunity to talk to him. Just say…that was good for me, I hope it was good for you because I want sex to be wonderful for both of us!

        In other words, stop asking and start telling, take some control in bed, do what feels good and SHUT UP!

        When you are both feeling sexy but not having sex is when you talk to a man about sex and what you like…so make a nice meal, get some wine, get snuggly and THEN talk..and for goodness sake DON’T ACCUSE HIM OF CHEATING!!

        If you suspect infidelity because of OTHER things, ok, then you may have a case…but NOT because he cannot handle an interrogation in bed!

        Let me know what happens?

        Tammy

        PS – I am not a “sex expert” but I felt I HAD to answer this because so many times we imagine the worst for the wrong reasons!

    • Jessi_dutton

      Ive been with my man for 6years now married 2yrs. He has always had porn on his phone allot al least 60some pix. I never really thought to much about it figured it was just a guy thing. What are some ways 2 talk 2 him about it?

      • Anonymous

        Jessi
        tough one, I think I personally would just ask him straight out!
        If you feel brave enough why don’t you just ask to look at it and then try and find out what it does for him? Actually you could start the conversation with….”I guess it is a guy thing, but do all your male friends have porn on their phone?” see what his answer is and ask him why? Go for it!

        Tammy

        • Jessi_dutton

          I asked him why & he couldn’t really tell me he acted like he’d never really thought about it. But his dad also has it on his phone he also is fascinated with strip bars so I beleave and pray that maybe its just a faze ill be having our first child soon. And I pulled the memmory chip from his phone Im shure soon he will have 2 loose his nudey pix as he collects new ones of his daughter. Im thinking this is the best way 2 see if it is some sort of proublem with him that maybe we will have 2 work on.
          2 bad men don’t hav some sort of manual

          • Anonymous

            Dear Jessi

            hey if men had a manual they would be in REAL trouble! They say the same about us..they wish there was an easy guide to women!

            It would seem this is something your husband has learnt from his father, that soft porn is common..something to look at, after all, men like womens’ bodies..it’s that kind of attitude. I think you are doing just fine..letting him know that it DOES bother you..and yes once he has a beautiful baby girl smiling back at him, he will be taking a lot of different pics and showing them around to his friends, and his dad!

            Take it easy, take it slow..if it is a problem you have now raised it and he is thinking about it, if it is just a casual sort of liking, don’t worry, just keep an eye on it!

            Good luck with the baby, let us know when she is born!

            Tammy

    • jane

      i keep catching my husband looking up porn every chance he gets while he thinks i’m a sleep and always said “i’ve learned my lesson”  

      • Anonymous

        Jane
        depending on the LEVEL of porn, this is either the same as having some magazines in the house or it is an obsession…. TRY a different approach…NEXT time, be interested..ask him why he likes it..ask him to show you what turns him on!

        He will either open up and truly explain to you why he does it..or be so ashamed he will stop..or you may both find that a SMALL amount of SOFT porn does your marriage no harm..it depends on your level of tolerance, BUT you need to understand what is happening not just be upset by it!

        I hope this helps?

        Tammy

    • Freshbiz4

      I caught my boyfriend more than ounce texting his ex girlfriend telling her hi baby I love you and I miss you then we have this picture of us kissing then he sent to her and said “I wish she was you”! And next to that message was my friend he was telling her oh yea this is her man you can get at me any time I have so much love for you baby and next to that one was another girl and another one this has been going on for a while what do I do I love him but how do I know if he loves me please I need some advice.

      • Beatus

        Maybe it’s because you can’t spell once

      • Anonymous

        Dear Freshbiz

        your boyfriend is immature, mean and uncaring…… and basically, I do not think his behavior is that of someone who loves you!

        My advice??? Do you really want me to say it?? LEAVE HIM! Walk away, find someone who isn’t a player, and get out now while you still have some self-respect, he is not worth it.

        Tammy

        • Freshbiz4

          Thank You Tammy but the thing is. Is that I’m also pregnant by him me Nd him and i have been together for 2 years he says that he’s just not use to having one person ugh it fustrates me so much.

          • Anonymous

            Dear F
            oh my goodness, he had better grow up fast then! I hope you have a support system, family etc. Are his family helping you? The only advice I can give is that you lay down the law a bit, and make him go with you to ALL the ante-natal appointments so that he gets his head around the REALITY of a baby coming…do NOT let him “leave it all to you” because lets face it, if he cannot have sex for a while he is going to be worse!

            You need to make damn sure that he understands what his responsibilities are. If you don’t have family nearby then you need to get to know other women who are pregnant, do not get stuck in the house waiting for him to come home, and prepare yourself for being able to bring up this baby alone…I am not saying he won’t come round once the baby is born but for many men the responsibilities of fatherhood are very scary and they run! Just don’t expect it to be ok because you think it ought to be…

            I hope that you understand that as a single mom, I truly know what this means, and you WILL be tough enough to handle it, because we women fight hard to protect our young, just try to find some support…it is very hard to do this alone and I cannot say that his behavior so far inspires me to think he will be very helpful.

            Do keep in touch and let us know how it goes, it may not be much but sometimes being able to talk to people helps.

            Thinking of you

            Tammy

            • Freshbiz4

              Thankyou so much and yes his family is helping me etc… But he did get a whole 3 weeks off to take care of me I even asked for his boss to give me a letter to confirm that is was true and it was he’s been buying me pedia-light ensures fruit getting me pillows comforting me it’s confusing to me but yea the baby will be born on 12/22/11 it’s a boy which what he was hoping for it to be he’s been giving me his phone his iPod he’s with me 2/47 he gave every electronic that can call text and so on and I’ll be sure to keep in touch thank you so much Tammy!

              Sincerly
              Melody<3

              • Anonymous

                WOW!
                I am keeping my fingers crossed for you…well done for hanging in there and getting such comittment from him!!!

                Tammy

                • Freshbiz4

                  Thank you Tammy and like they always say women have to take control :) some time

    • Anonymous

      I was searching for more needed support on the net and stumbled over this.  It pains me to see the conversation going on here especially between the us women.  I am trying to rebuild my relationship with my H after discovering his double life only a year ago.  His double life consisted of 5 years of physical infidelity.  Starting with a lounge singer (10 years younger than him, who had a 5 year old son but never married) for almost 2 years; seeing her at least once a month during his consistent travel for work during that time in a another country.  Then beginning to pay for sex with other women in that country, then subsequently other countries he when he had to go there for work.  We live in Singapore (we are American) and he apparently never has had any physically affairs here in Singapore or in the US (we travel home every year for one to two months).  All the women he has had extramarital sex with are Asian, either Filipino, Malaysian, Thai, Chinese, etc… and of a particular status, uneducated, in the entertainment industry or prostitutes.  He is well educated, has his master’s degree, very intelligent, a hard worker and incredible public speaker. 
      I am equally educated to him, been married to him 20 years, 9 of those years we were a double income family and had no kids by choice, the last 11 years we have had 2 children, and I sacrificed my career to concentrate on the kids and his career path, something he very much encouraged me to do.  It wasn’t been easy for me to to change roles and I often resented that he continued as usual in his career and I gave up mine because WE chose to have children.  I worked on it my shortcomings on being a new mother and my new role in our marriage.  I seeked self help books, counseling, and role models for me to base my learning and growth on.  It was no picnic but I wanted it and knew I didn’t get good role modeling or support from my parents or family.  Children needed parents who didn’t resent them, loved them unconditionally because they didn’t choose to be born to us, we chose that.  I was their mother, I was the one who would be determining their happiness and feeling of self worth in the long run.  The way I had to look at my H was that he was making this possible for us by working hard and keeping the money coming in so that I could do so.  My husband choice of jobs and increase in traveling for work for was make up for me making sure the kids needs were met and that they were well taken care of.  I turned my resentment towards him to gratitude towards him for sacrificing his time with us to make our family financially stable.  I even felt sorry for what he was sacrificing because I began to enjoy having role as a mother and seeing my children grow and blossom. 

      Did my intuition tell me something was wrong starting 6 years ago, did I have any idea about the affairs, did I see any signs that my husband was hiding something, had a double life?  Would you be surprised if I told you that I did…somewhat…but I convinced myself that I was being unreasonable, unfair, simply over dramatizing coincidencies.  There were actually times where I did swallow my pride and simply asked my husband straight forward, actually apologizing for feeling the way I did.  HIs answers were always immediately, in horror of me even suspecting so, a heartfelt NEVER.   “I have NOT ever been with anyone but you and would NEVER even consider so.”  It was all in my head…simply put. 

      The reality is that he had been with 17 other women until I found out last year in a span of 5 years. He has had almost 200 extramarital sex encounters in total.  His preference was for unprotected sex, and what they call the girlfriend experience (here in Asia that means you get to pretend that the prostitute is your girlfriend, i.e…will go out to dinner with you, listen and talk to you like a counselor – mostly about your wife and children, spend the whole night with you making you feel good about yourself and tell you that you are a “good” person, wake up in the morning making you feel that she seek you out as a boyfriend because you are such a wonderful catch.  Even though you paid for her time…a lot of money…especially for the extra effort of simply pretending to be in love with you.) 

      Before you think that I am being unfair to Asians in general.  I am Asian-American.

      • Anonymous

        Dear S

        I think I am torn between admiration for your calm retelling of an appalling discovery, and horror at the practised deliberate deceit of your husband, an intelligent, “respected” public speaker!
        Let me retell your story as I see it, and then you can send me a furious message if you disagree, either publicly or privately, I do not mind either!

        Your arrogant, intelligent well educated husband decided it was time for a family, and his well educated intelligent wife threw herself into the role of mother, after a bit of adjustment, with total comittment.

        YOU worked hard at your new role, you had in your head what you felt children needed and deserved, having NOT had that yourself I figure?

        HE travelled even more, went around all these countries being famous and well respected and important…and SCREWING AROUND !
        Not , JUST having sex, but having the kind of sex that PRETENDS IT IS LOVE! So, he can dodge the guilt, and these girls just ADORE him, and back home he has a WIFE and children waiting “adoringly” for him!

        Let me ask you something, JUST HOW MUCH DOES THIS MAN NEED HIS EGO STROKED?

        He has had 200+ instances of “mostly” UNPROTECTED SEX with HIGH RISK WOMEN
        and this is ok?

        Please tell me that you have been tested for HIV and STD’s?? Please tell me that until you are SURE that he is no longer sleeping with other women that you will insist he uses a condom……….
        ………………actually..I can barely write..I am stunned that you would even contemplate reconciling with this man, your husband, I cannot imagine where you get this depth of forgiveness?

        I will be frank and honest, I truly do not believe that I could forgive a man this level of infidelity, nor accept the RISK he put me at of catching some terrible disease.

        No, I don’t think you are being unfair to Asians, I think you are being FAR TOO FAIR TO YOUR HUSBAND!!!

        Obviously I do not know the whole story, and I am amazed at what I know so far, but more importantly, I am staggered by your calmness, your lack of fury. Maybe it is because this happened a year ago?

        Perhaps, you are still unsure that you and your husband will resolve this? Are you working with a therapist, more importantly is he..as he clearly has an issue with how he sees women and sex, or what he wants from women…physically that is..

        What can we do to help you? The women on here are pretty amazing, and generally pretty forthright..we don’t hold much back, it helps if you can actually say the truth out loud about how you feel.

        Please keep me updated as to your progress, and write again, I feel that your story is so extraordinary, there has to be more!

        If I have upset or angered you with my opinions, feel free to write and tell me, it just seems to me that you are possibly being TOO forgiving!

        Write again, let us know how you are handling this?

        Tammy

    • Mcgoals

      Do women not realize that the constant bitching and me me me attitude drives men away!!

    • Leah

      i am married since 4 years and a mother for 2, me and my husband have no life together no sex and no friendship i tried to no why and be close to him but he was acting like there is no problem and everything is normal then i just noticed that my husband is dating a protistute woman, when i asked him he said it is a crisis and he feel sorry for it . he promise not to repeat it. but i am very hurt and i don’t what to lose him and lose my family life, i have lot of question in my mind why did he did this while i am trying to please him. Sorry for my english its my second language.

      Leah

      • Tishbabe1

        Hi Leah,
        I am sorry your going thru this ordeal. The truth is he is not sorry because he would work on your marriage. You need to make him get tested in 6 months for hiv, especially if she is a prostitute. You must use condoms to protect your self.remember your children need you. No man is worth dying for. He is going to continue to have sex with this woman especially if he is getting his needs met and not by you.
        Tish

      • Anonymous

        Dear Leah,
        I am so sorry this is happening, and it is especially hard when you are a mother. I have to ask you Leah, did you shout and get angry when you found out?

        It is just you seem so keen to keep your husband happy, and to please him, when right now you should be really furious!! How about him pleasing you?

        If he is really sorry, then he will go with you to counsling and EXPLAIN why he thinks i is ok NOT to sleep with his wife, not to spend time with his wife, NOT to be friends with his wife, and THEN sleep with a prostitute, because it is a “crisis”………

        LEAH YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS, STOP BEING SAD AND GET ANGRY!

        Once you two are talking again, STOP trying so hard to please him, he can buy that from a prostitute, he is supposed to be MARRIED to you, to want to be friends, lovers, happy together… there is something very wrong here Leah and you need to find out what is going on, and then you will feel better and able to cope.

        Do you have some support nearby, family, friends?

        I think you have to be very tough about this Leah, he must talk to you, it will not be resolved otherwise.

        Please, let us know how you get on..

        Tammy

        PS keeping my finger and toes crossed… :)

        • Leah

          Hi Tammy,

          I am trying to get an answer why is did it, he always answer me don’t make it a big story i told u everything. I get angry and tell him it is big. Still i have no answer.

          • Anonymous

            OK Leah, he doesn’t want to tell you anymore at this point and that makes you angry. Instead of asking him about it, tell him why you need to know, so come at it from a different angle.
            He is trying to forget it because he feels guilty but won’t admit that and you need answers.

            You can threaten him I guess, but frankly it is unlikely to work…your best bet is to try and get him to see that you want to move forward but NOT knowing is holding you back..

            Good luck!

            Tammy

    • Seafoam

      Thank you for this posting, it helped me figure out a few things.
      I am currently in a two year relationship. I like this guy because he’s much more mature than my ex, he’s very ambitious and he inspires me in many ways. What I don’t like is that he lies a lot.

      I noticed a girl on facebook that kept laughing at all his jokes, psting comments on all his pictures, and making herself very known on his page. So one day, he leaves his instnt message open. I read that not only does he like her and confides to her about his weight loss and his other problems, but he had sex with her without a condom and she just discovered that she is not pregnant. I’m hurt because I thought I was his cheerleader and I thought I encouraged him through his weight loss we even worked out together a few times.

      So I’m at a loss. I asked him if there was something going on, but he says she is “just a friends” and I should not feel “threatened by her” and I have nothing to worry about. I’m pissed because he didn’t admit it yet he didn’t deny it. I want to just drop him out my life, but I want to be his friend and his wife through out any type of stuggle he has, but he’s obviously not ready to settle down. So what is the best option for me to take?

      • Anonymous

        WALK AWAY
        This man is going through some kind of mid life crisis, he may be older than your ex but he is no wiser! He is enjoying the attention of women, he likes your support, in return he sometimes treats you well, but he is NOT commtted to you. You are younger than him so you make him feel good, he is losing weight to make himself look good..he has slept with this girl to flatter his ego, for the sex, it is casual, he is casual, he is NOT going to be your life, your love, your husband….

        Unless you are prepared to see this man as a fun interlude to help you get over your ex. you will get hurt. If you are thinking marriage, LEAVE NOW, he is NOT on the same page.

        This does not make him a bad man, it would make him a bad husband!

        Let me know how you decide to move forward, but move forward you must!

        Tammy

        • Seafoam

          Thank you for the speedy reply Tammy.
          Surprisingly, he is much younger than my ex! But he is very mature, people mistake him for 35 but he’s 25. What confuses me most is that he says, “I see only you as my wife” and “I want us to go on vacation together!” He says these nice things but his actions prove different. At this point, I just think he’s not ready for commitment.I’m not perfect either, I’m working on things to better myself now. But all I want is straight answer from him but he isn’t giving it to me.

          • Seafoam

            I gave him an ultimatum and told him if he respects, then be honest with me. I told him I know everything that happened and I would like if he could stop the “friends with benefits” relationship with this other girl. He said he “never wanted to hurt me” and “has never been this honest with anyone else” and is “unsure of how to handle things.” So I told him I am ready to settle down but to call me when he’s done bullshitting with me. Should I even be his friends or just completely drop him out my life? I was friends for 2 years before we dated, and it honestly will fell funny to just go cold turkey on him.

            • Anonymous

              Hey there
              thank you for letting us know what is happening..and power to you for being so frank with him!!
              Ok, so I got the mid life crisis wrong, LOL!!
              BUT, he’s ONLY 25, good grief, same age as my son! This is a time when he is teetering between having fun and making a comittment, and you are “probably” the one that has made him feel serious, but you are right, he is not ready. You can remain friends, BUT, not friends “with benefits” (great phrase by the way!!).

              IF, you think you can handle waching him try to figure out what he wants, dating other women and perhaps wanting to talk to you about it, then stay friends. I would suggest a short period of “cold turkey” as you are too close to all this right now…you need some space to get your head around this, it will be very hard to be friends with someone you love and want to marry. I also think that he needs to NOT have you in his life AT ALL, to understand how much he values you, so WALK AWAY for now….

              This is only my opinion…but I do honestly think you both need time apart to figure this out.

              Good luck!

              Tammy

              • Seafoam

                Tammy,
                Thank you so much. I feel so much better talking with someone about this. I understand what you mean by him not having me in his life so he could value me more, that makes a lot of sense. I’m going to try my best to not speak with him, or answer phonecalls for a while to see how things turn out. You have a gift for communication! I don’t know how things would have turned out if I didn’t google this website.
                Thank you Tammy! You’re amazing. I will keep you updated :)

                • Anonymous

                  Good luck!!
                  Come back and pass on your wisdom to some of the other women in this forum, we could always do with some good advice!

                  Keeping my fingers crossed for you
                  Tammy :)

            • Mims Ursula

              Leave him for good because he’s not going to stop cheating on you and the worst scenerio is he gives you HIV or STDs.

            • Mims Ursula

              Leave him for good because he’s not going to stop cheating on you and the worst scenerio is he gives you HIV or STDs.

      • Mims Ursula

        I am currently in a four year relationship with the love of my life and I just discovered a week ago, my fiance has been cheating on me with a 19 year old and she is pregnant with his baby. He’s in his middle fortys and he has no remorse for what he has done. I feel so empty because we were engaged to get married and he just asked me three weeks ago to move in with him but I just wasnt ready to move in.
        as of today we are nolonger together but i am terribly upset and confused due to him acting nonchalant about the whole situation. the most shocker is he also moved the 19 year old into his home a week ago on her 19th birthday. 

        • Anonymous

          My dear Ursula
          I think your ex is definitely having the mother of a mid life crisis! He has been having an affair with a girl young enough to be his daughter who has now got pregnant. Ok, two things are happening here,

          1. She makes him feel young!
          2…She has just proved how virile he is by getting pregnant

          Now lets look at your relationship

          1. 4 years in you are not ready to commit
          2. You are not pregnant

          Your man was ready to settle down, ready to start a family…you were not..he found someone who made him feel good and now she is pregnant, she needs him, he has a responsibility..he moved her into the house you turned down.

          You say he is the love of your life but you were not ready to move in with him after 4 years? I know that it is incredibly hard to understand how a man can go from a steady relationship straight into a full on living with someone he hardly knows, but it happens.

          It is similar to a woman’s biological urge, when men reach a certain age and decide they are ready to commit to a woman, they want to do it there and then, almost as if they are afraid it is their last chance. You weren’t ready, he was, and along comes a girl who then gets pregnant, and he has dived straight into a full on comittment.

          I would say two things to you, a) he is NOT the love of your life , you would be living with him now if he was, and b) NEXT time, a man you love asks you to move in with him, MOVE IN FOR GOODNESS SAKE!

          One thing, you absolutely HAVE to avoid now, is ANY contact with this man. If you keep in touch you will hurt yourself and if he has a panic about what he has done, the WORST thing will be that he will try and get you to help him..do not be sucked into that dangerous situation, he will break your heart again.

          You deserve a lot of ice cream, good movies and some good friends around you right now, and you need time to grieve over the loss of this relationship. Yes he cheated, but he followed through, he is with her now, not you..it is over and you have to start thinking of tomorrow, not looking back.

          One of the things about love is that once you HAVE loved, you know it can happen, you know how it feels. It will happen again, you will find someone, and maybe that someone will show you what true love is all about….this man was not THE ONE, that man, the one you will spend your life with, is still out there waiting to be found.

          Tell me when you find him, so that I can cheer you on, and be happy with you?

          Tammy

    • Leigh

      Dear Anon,

      So, just because men cheat it’s okay for you to sleep with a married man?  Yes, you aren’t the one who is married, but where is your respect for the promise he made to his wife? Do you ever think about the wife when he’s slipping it in?  How she is probably completely unaware of whats going on?  Has wonderful sex with her husband several times a week, great conversations with him, works out, takes care of herself, house home and their children….all the while you screw around knowingly with the husband-cause “hey, its not you who’s married.”

       Where is your respect for yourself?  How do you justify the careless and callous attitude? When you contribute to the distruction of a family with “men cheat”, so oh well…guess I’ll throw my dignity, self-respect and integrity in the trash and get some.   Karma is a dish that is usually served cold. 

    • anon

      and tammy62 it looks as tho you think you know everything bout everyone elses relationship but its not that easy to just say what is going on in someone elses relationship. its this simple men cheat and will always cheat period!

      • Anonymous

        Oh, and by the way… I DO NOT KNOW EVERYTHING about everyone else’s relationships, I totally agree with you, it is hard to know..you may notice that half the time I ask a ton of questions about the relationship????
        I am sorry if you think I come across as a “know-it-all” I am learning from all the amazing women who post on here.

        Yes, anon, men will cheat, some men, not all and not all the time..but then women do the same! people take risks with their relationships, and some always think the grass is greener..in the end, many of these people who play around all the time they end up lonely and still looking for that “perfect partner”.

        Anon
        sometimes it pays to be humble and learn from others..read what the incredible women on this site write about their pain and their fight..read and learn! That’s what I do!

        Tammy

    • anon

      i am actually messing with a married man right now and he surprisingly tells me that he is also happy at home.  sometimes it has more to it than just being happy.  sometimes i feel that a man just simply needs something new and yes we both feel guilty but we have so many feelings for eachother that over comes the guilt.  you can be doin everything possible to keep your man happy and he still might cheat. i believe that its just in a mans nature and it’s practically impossible to find a man that will stay faithful to you for the rest of your life.  that’s why i recommend not getting married.  just my opinion but marriage is a prison!

      • Anonymous

        Anon mistress

        I guess you feel better if you believe that all men would stray and that all men cheat…I think it is fairer to say that all married people (men and women) COULD stray, they COULD cheat… but it isn’t something hard wired into their nature, it is a CHOICE, that is what makes us different from animals.

        You go ahead, love your married man and ignore the guilt..but don’t justify what you are doing by saying that it is in men’s nature to cheat. If you are going to be this man’s mistress then TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for being so, don’t make excuses.

        You are entitled to think that marriage is a prison, and believe you me, I have been married, divorced, lived with, etc… and NO I would not get married again now, in my 50′s I have become too independent! However, I do not think it is a prison, it works for a lot of people and you should respect marriage as a choice.

        I am not sure if you are happy? I hope you are ok with your choice..and it is very interesting to hear the other side of things, so please keep writing if you want to?

        Regards
        Tammy

      • Annsfca

        Anon on that note even though it’s not right I feel that you can relate on half of what wants and needs to be known about why men cheat. Sometimes you’d have to have stepped in those shoes to know what it’s like. Some married men tells you there’s a problem at home and always got something bad to say about his spouse or wife to cover his guilt. When actually there’s nothing wrong at all. I like the fact that you’re being real and putting it out there that you are dating a married man. And further more what tops it off for me is that at least he didn’t lie and say she’s this and that. Girl you are speaking some real and true shit…U have the same thoughts as I do. No matter what you do for a man in all you do, and give him sex as often as he want it even tho U don’t feel up to it, he will still go out and cheat and for that matter which is well spoken by you “It’s a mans nature” We don’t and cn’t except it but it’s the truth nor can we find ways to control it. But remember that GOD recommend marriage because once you have sex it’s over, spiritually it’s call a “SOUL TIE” your souls tie together and become as one and that’s where all that lust and falling in love beyond our control comes in at. And it’s ok to feel like that with your husband because it’s what GOD create to happen. And the same thing happens when you have sex with a partner or someone else husband. But pray on that situation hard all the time and ask GOD to forgive you, because once this is over and it don’t work out you will find another man that’s special in your life maybe even get married and the same thing is gonna happen to you. And you don’t know how much suffering that causes until it’s you it’s happening to.

    • Anonymous

      hey im a married woman and 29 been married almost a year now.. im very happy with my husband for almost 7 years now.. and im working for almost 5 months now.. and started beginning of march… first week of march.. i met this guy who is a supervisor… and i met him.. blond and blue eyes… he was kinda cute but i wasnt into him when i first met him… but 2 months later i was working with him and he was making fun of me and throwing stuff at me just to get my attention.. i may he has some sorta attraction towards me.. i thinks he likes me.. he will smile and when i look back at him he looks away… he is constantly stares at me, dose this means i am attracted to you!! i like him but im married, he’s really nice but im afraid of rejection when i only want to be his friend without flirting… how can i solve this problem??? can you please help!!!

      • Anonymous

        Nicky,
        GET REAL! You are enjoying this man’s attention but THAT SHOULD BE IT!! For goodness sake get a grip, you cannot be friends with a man you are flirting with!!!
        DO NOT TAKE THIS FURTHER, STOP RIGHT NOW – you are jeopardisng your marriage, and I am NOT going to give you advice on how to be friends with this man.

        Go back and MAKE FRIENDS with your husband again!

        Tammy

    • John

      I have no respect and grant no credibility to an author who produces an article with so many blatant grammar mistakes. Educate yourself before you try to educate others.

      In other words, “Dis artcle is not help for people who cant read you’re rightings. the mis takes are to distraction.”

    • Tammikatatum

      I hate Guys .. I never cheated on Him… But he goes out Nd kiss my Friends .. Youu kno what Fyou!! .. 

    • Tammikatatum

      I hate Guys .. I never cheated on Him… But he goes out Nd kiss my Friends .. Youu kno what Fyou!! .. 

      • Anonymous

        ???
        Are you still with him?
        Tammy

    • Tammikatatum

      I hate Guys .. I never cheated on Him… But he goes out Nd kiss my Friends .. Youu kno what Fyou!! .. 

    • Tammikatatum

      I hate Guys .. I never cheated on Him… But he goes out Nd kiss my Friends .. Youu kno what Fyou!! .. 

    • Tammikatatum

      I hate Guys .. I never cheated on Him… But he goes out Nd kiss my Friends .. Youu kno what Fyou!! .. 

    • Tammikatatum

      I hate Guys .. I never cheated on Him… But he goes out Nd kiss my Friends .. Youu kno what Fyou!! .. 

    • Tammikatatum

      I hate Guys .. I never cheated on Him… But he goes out Nd kiss my Friends .. Youu kno what Fyou!! .. 

    • Pingback: Cheating Men – How to Deal With the Situation

    • Anon2

      Hi All
      From a mans point of view
      there are many reasons why we(men) cheat
      marry a woman and she becomes unfitting to the his eyes
      she becomes to bitchy or try’s to wear the pants in the house without regards to the husband
      lack of sexual attention “I have a head ache” “ im tired” or some other excuse…….
      But when woman want it we suppose to give in and get it while we can, hell no, life is a 2 way street give and take, and not him giving and her taking
      I know im being bias here but those are some more reasons why

      • Tammy

        Dear Anon2
        I am interested to hear these views,but would like to ask a question….what exactly do you mean by a woman becoming “unfitting” to the eyes? The too bitchy or wearing the pants comment I think I understand what you mean…something along the lines that you believe a man should wear the trousers..and I have to agree that life, and marriage is a two way street, a balance between give and take, but, I think you are doing a terrible disservice to men!
        Do you want us, women, to believe that men are unable to have a conversation with their wives about their marriage? Do you honestly and truly think that men are so wimpish and pathetic that instead of asserting themselves, saying “stop being bitchy”, or , “I am the man of the house” ..that instead of doing that, of being real men..they go and have an affair instead?
        If that is true, that instead of dealing with a lack of give and take, men go off and find another woman..well..it is a sorry state of affairs and very sad.

        I will be honest Anon2, I actually only really agree with one statement you have made, the bit where you say you are biased!

        Cordially

        Tammy

        PS – LADIES, PLEASE ADD YOU COMMENTS!

        • pitts234

          I am in a similar situation, but you know what… I have talked about it, do you honestly think that after being for so long with a woman we wouldn’t have the confidence/trust to tell them? But guess what happens… we are ALWAYS WRONG somehow. I am not going to cheat but I hate how women who have been hurt think their side of the situation applies to every scenario. Get some common sense please. You say ‘some women cheat,’ but I tell you go keep yourself updated. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1211104/Think-men-unfaithful-sex-A-study-shows-WOMEN-biggest-cheats–theyre-just-better-lying-it.html

          • Anonymous

            Hey there
            I know women cheat, and unfortunately more and more of them are doing so. I know men get hurt, and I would like to help them too, it’s just I guess in some ways I don’t know how to reach out to those men, do you have any suggestions?

            I am not sure if men would use a blog, or ask for help, although I think it is only fair that their side of the story is heard!

            Seriously, if you think that men would be interested, I am happy to start blog entries for them. Would you be interested in writing a guest post on the subject? I would be happy to publish your article with your views and give the male perspective. Think about it and let me know?

            Tammy

    • Daysha

      I’ve been with my fiance for over two years now. I moved in with him a nearly a year ago after he asked me to marry him and it wasn’t long after that I found out he was asking for nudes from several girls, some I knew and went to school with and others who were out of state. In a lot of ways, I knew in the back of my mind he was cheating before I moved in when he wouldn’t let me read the texts he was sending his “friends” and he got a text one day saying “I’m all squeaky clean now” from another girl. He kept most of nudes he got saved in his email like some prized trophy room. I was devastated and hurt seeing those girls posing nude just for my fiance. We had set boundaries and he had crossed it so many times. What also hurt was that when I confronted him about it, he tried turning it on me and told me I shouldn’t have been snooping around in his email. Then he started texting one of the girls who sent him nudes, telling her about what happened. I saw the texts the next day and she told him I was full of drama and bs just because I was crying over it. Some months later, he tried to cheat again. One of his ex gfs tattled on him to her bf that my fiance was asking for a nude of her. Her bf told me and when I asked my fiance about it, he said it was a joke and that I need to get off his back.

      I’ve been trying my best to work out my relationship with him because I honestly love him a lot. It’s hard for me to let this go and I don’t know why. I want to forget about it but somewhere in the back of my mind, I feel like if I forget about it, he’ll do it again. I just don’t trust him. I’ve developed a paranoia where I don’t want him to be friends with his exes or any girl for that matter because I’m afraid he might cheat again. I also don’t believe half the stuff that comes out of his mouth because he has promised me a lot of stuff and then I find out he had lied to me and broke the promise. I want to trust him and make everything work out but I don’t know how. He’s done so much stuff that involved cheating and infidelity. I even came to find he was a major porn addict and that he was hiding that from me as well which made me very upset and now I find porn repulsive because of the matter. He says he stopped looking at it but I don’t believe him on that either. I just don’t know what to do.

      • Tammy

        Dear Daysha
        I am afraid that I just do not believe your fiance is ready for a serious relationship! I feel that you may have to accept the fact he is likely to cheat again, and if he is talking to his ex girlfriends about you in such a disrespectful way, there is little to be expected from him. If I am to be brutally honest, I would say, LEAVE HIM. However, I understand that you believe that you love him, although I have to admit that I am at a loss as to why? You have not said one thing that indicates any nice thing he has ever done for you.

        In your letter, you say FIVE times that you either do not believe him or do not trust him. You did not really trust him when you moved in with him!

        I am going to suggest you do the following, and if you can be really strong and do this, you will know if this is going to work out or not.

        STEP 1 – Pack your bags
        STEP 2 – Make sure you have somewhere to go and stay, family maybe?
        STEP 3 – TELL HIM, THE FOLLOWING
        a) You want to live with a man you can trust
        b) You want to live with a man who respects you
        c) You will not marry a man who lies to you and then is as rude as to say it is YOUR fault
        d) You will NOT tolerate him discussing your love life with his ex girlfriends and disrespecting you to all these women
        e) You feel that he enjoys degrading women (PORN and the way he is rude to you and his love of nudes)
        STEP 4 – Tell him that you will be staying with family/friends and that your brother/father/friend etc will be round to collect the rest of your stuff in a WEEK.
        STEP 5 – TELL HIM HE HAS A CHOICE –
        DOOR NUMBER 1 – Nude pics, Porn, Childish teenage pervy relationships with a lot of silly girls – YOU WILL COLLECT YOUR STUFF AND NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN
        DOOR NUMBER 2 – A grown up realtionship, trust, love and a future with YOU – NO MORE NUDES/LIES/PORN

        Then, Daysha – WALK OUT OF THAT DOOR AND DO NOT LOOK BACK!

        If he is a man, he will choose door number 2.
        If he does not, then you are better off without him!
        Whatever you do, DO NOT MARRY A MAN WHO TREATS YOU THIS WAY, and for goodness sake, DO NOT GET PREGNANT!
        I add that because if he does not change and you are pregnant, you will be so vulnerable and miserable and YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS!

        Please, Daysha, take a deep breath, talk to your family, be brave, be strong and stand up for the right to be treated with RESPECT.

        Wishing you luck, and hoping it works out for you…let us know what happens?

        Yours
        Tammy

    • http://whydomencheat dru

      oh and to add to my post he cheated with her for two years

    • http://whydomencheat dru

      my boyfriend of whom i have known for sixteen years with children , been in a relationship with for little over three years since he came home from prison and we decided to start a relationship because we had children to gether , he came home in may 2008 . three weeks ago after arguing which we did for almost two years finally came out and told me he has been cheating off and on with another women who had known about me the whole time, six months ago i confronted them after seeing a picture of them and another guy on facebook but the picture got my attention of how close they were standing together , they both denied that they were sleeping together. i ask him why and he said he was overwhelmed about paying everything by himself cause i am in school and i did not show him any appreciation and cause i didnt get a job after school. he asked me if i want to work it out, but i dont know what to do because he lied for two years. He always came home everynight, he just had this attitude and started being disrespectful and that is why he said he told me because he felt like he was taking his frustration out on me. I still am in shock and i dont know what to do.

      • Tammy

        Oh my goodness Dru
        of course you are still in shock, but you need to slow down a bit and think. You have a long history with this man, and children. It does not sound as if it has been a very calm relationship, and there are a lot of pressures on the two of you. Your boyfriend has been in prison, that changes a person, and when he came out he went to you.He decided to do the right thing and be with his kids.

        In fact, although he has cheated on you, and I totally do not say this is an excuse, he has been extraordinarily honest and straight with you about why, and also why he told you.
        He has been trying to support you and the family while you were in school, and felt undervalued. You have not got a job yet, so he may feel that the school time has not paid off (yet). He has told you about the affair because he felt he was starting to take out his frustration on you, AND he wants to know if YOU want to work it out.
        My opinion would be that if you DO want to work this out, your boyfriend will work WITH you on this, and you have a good chance of saving the relationship.
        Dru, it is your decision, but you need to keep talking if you want this to work out. I cannot say if this is going to be OK, nobody can, but if you talk to him, and listen too, then you can come back from this, both of you and probably stronger.
        Have a look at some of the resources on this site, they are there to help you. Let me know if there is anything we can do to help you further, and keep in touch to let us know how it is going?

        Wishing you luck
        Tammy

    • Anonymous

      My husband cheated on me for the whole 2 years we have been together and I just recently found out about a week ago. He had sexual affairs with co-workers and patients relatives. We have a baby. He was cheating on me while I was pregnant. I forgave him now and said that I’d try to work things out. But I just keep on thinking about what he’s done to me everytime I’m at work, driving home, or just whenever I am alone. He said he would never cheat on me again and regrets doing it. I saw the effort and the changes that’s he’s made during this past week, but I’m still uncertain. What are the chances that he will cheat again? Isn’t the saying true that once a cheater, always a cheater?

      • Tammy

        Dear Anon

        It is only a week since you found out, you are hurting, and have every right to be! I cannot say whether he will cheat again, I can say that he must agree to see a counselor or marriage guidance therapist with you. I think your husband needs to say in front of another person that he will not cheat again. I also think that he needs to see a therapist himself, alone, to try and understand why he behaves like this? He has not just cheated once, but with several women, he has behaved as if he were a single man.

        A cheater can change if they learn WHY they cheat, and how to change that underlying behavior. You say he has cheated with patients relatives? He is a medical professional? He MUST seek help because his behavior could jeopardise his job, he is in a position of trust and has broken that trust.

        Do you have family to support you? You need that support, you have a young baby and you are in a vulnerable position, hurt and scared he will do this again.

        You need to understand, he will not change unless he seeks help, and you two agree very strict rules. He has to be home at a certain time, you have to be able to check his phone to be reassured, he has to accept this. Look out for some more resources, coming soon to the site, and check some of the ones already here, hopefully they could help. You do not deserve this, but realize it takes time to heal and you are still very raw from the discovery, and you will go through a lot of conflicting emotions.

        Let me know what help you need and I will answer as best I can, you can always e mail me if you prefer not to publish your comment.

        Thinking of you

        Tammy

      • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_62TGOZYCF4JZUEDXGL4BQYV5ME Ann

        Forgiving is a good thing and that’s something we all have to do and know that it’s very, very hard. Prayer and asking for the strength to forgive is the only way for me. I’m glad to know that you was able to forgive him, but where u messed up at is keeping him. You can forgive and telling him you forgive him is what makes it a possibility that he will do it again. Because a man don’t look at it as forgive or maybe not try’n to understand the meaning of forgiveness, they look at that as they got away with it. And if they feel they’ve gotten away with it once they will do it again. That is one of the reasons I learned why men cheat. So given that second chance I’d be on his ass testing him. Is in my own way I have done it. I wanna know if yo ass is sorry for what you did, or are you sorry cuz you got caught. So I made up a fake ass FB page and that fool failed the test 3 different times. But the first time I had already made my mind up that he was gone anywayz I just tried other harsh things with the fake one to hurt his feelings coming from her and waited a month and still with the fake one told him how sorry I was for doing it and he fell right back into her trap. He found out it was a fake but not by knowing it was me I put it to where as if her mother got on there inboxing him say’n that she was 15 and that her and her friends was playing games on FB. Waited another 2 months and tried him but this time he wasn’t falling for it cuz now he knows. But I used a tactic to see if he’ll break like “she wanted to talk nasty to him and within 2 days after he broke again”  I dropped his ass by not answering his calls and he don’t know where I live and til this day he don’t know Y.  And he will never know and won’t know it was me and I’m still lettin him talk to that fake ass piece of cardboard of a woman. How dumb can he be. So my thing is you try and play me you gets played….BIGG DUMMY!!!!  I’m not goin out like a sucka. We cn’t stop em or beat so join em and make him look like an ass. Some men have U walk’n around with the other women lookin @ U and know’n she screw’n yo man and u don’t have a clue. A nigga mess w/ my heart like that I will lite yo ass up and keep it move’n. So now who’s look’n stupid. Me and my friend just play with his head as that phoney broad on FB and laff our ass off @ his dumb ass. Yall can sit there and keep hurtin n cry’n if U want to and askin what to do. I got a solution fa they asses mess’n wit me.

    • Derek

      I cheated twice on the girl I love. And I am only 17. I dont understand why i did it. And then to get caught twice. All i did was sext but it is still just the fact. She is talking to me but I left her because I felt horrible for what I have done. Now idk whether or not i should go back into her life. I love her but I dont trust myself. can someone help me? Please?

      • Tammy

        Derek
        you are only 17, you are still finding out what you want from a relationship. Sexting is not harmless fun, as you have discovered, but it gives you a thrill. Try to understand what it is about sexting that attracts you, then deicide what you can do about this. You say you love this girl, but do not want to be with her in case you hurt her again. I could say that you are too young to decide to be with one person for the rest of your life, but many people marry their high school sweethearts and do just fine. Your girlfriend was REAL and sexting is FANTASY. Decide which you want. If she wants you back, and you want to be with her, then, go back to her, give her your phone!
        If you were using sext chat numbers, disable your phone so you cannot call those numbers. All of this Derek, is in YOUR HANDS. If you think that you have a serious problem with how you see sex, and are worried that sexting will become an addiction, then seek professional help.
        If you email me, I can send you some information. Take heart Derek, the first step to solving a problem is realising that you have one, you have taken that step.

        Let me know what I can do to help

        Tammy

    • Sheryl

      My boyfriend is now behaving weird, he is not the same again. I dont knw if he is cheating on me.

      • Tammy

        Sheryl
        what do you mean by weird? has he started to be secretive, and there are times when you cannot get hold of him? He may be having other problems, such as work or family, which he does not want to tell you about, it is not necessarily because he is cheating on you. Men are not very good at talking about their problems, they think that they are supposed to sort them out themselves. All you can do is try to get him to talk to you, don’t accuse him of cheating, if he isn’t he will be very upset, if he is, he will probably lie if you confront him.
        Try asking him if you can help in anyway because you have noticed he seems distracted. Let me know how it goes!

        Good luck
        Tammy

    • Sheryl

      Men cheat because they cant do without cheatind, they just want to cheat on their wives

    • sezza

      my boyfriend has cheated on me last year he says he wont do it age’s but he is always flirting with other people and getting to close he inbox’s lasses on facebook talking dirty all the time but then deletes them but because he has msn i can see what he is saying i dont know what to do anymore i dont know if he means it when he says i love you or not

      • Tammy

        Sezza
        It sounds as if your boyfriend is not ready for a serious grown up relationship, his behavior is very immature and hurtful for you. He may well love you, loving you and being silly, flirting and talking dirty, are not necessarily mutually exclusive, but it is not the way you want to be loved. You do need to have a conversation with him explaining how you feel. If this is a short conversation whereby he promises not to do these kinds of things again, I would not believe him! It needs to be the kind of conversation where you get to say why this behavior upsets you, and he gets to explain why he does it, and then understands, truly, that he has to stop. Understand something Sezza, you do not deserve to be treated like this!

        He deletes these conversations because he knows they would upset you, so why do it in the first place? He may say that it is “harmless fun” and you have to get him to understand that harmless it is not, it is hurting you, fun it is not, you are not laughing! You may find he is not prepared to grow up, and will not stop, then you have to decide whether you are going to leave him and find a grown up adult who will treat you with respect, or stay with this immature teenager who does not care much if he hurts you. It really is in your hands now Sezza, you need to take control of the situation.

        I wish you luck
        Tammy

    • Veronica

      My husband cheated on me he doesent care less, well I need to move on. Its hard because I keep thinking about him.

      • Tammy

        Hi there Veronica
        I understand, just because he cheated on you doesn’t mean you can switch off your feelings. Is there no chance of saving your marriage? Do you have children? If he has cheated and wants to leave, then you need to find yourself an attorney, quickly, but also find someone to talk to. Do you have family you can talk to?

        The next few weeks will be hard, and you will keep thinking about him, but first you need to be sure that there is no way of saving your marriage and finding a way to talk it though and see if you can forgive him. You say he doesn’t care less, is that your pain talking or has he said he is going?

        if it is truly over, then you need to find a way to heal, and if you let me know what your situation is, then I will do my best to help you, and put you in touch with others who can help too.

        Stay Strong

        Tammy

    Previous post:

    Next post: